[Rachel]

Hi, I need some advice.
I will try to keep this short. I am married for 11 years and 3 children. I was at the WTC on 9/11 and my family went through the horror of not knowing if I was ok or not until I finally returned home later that night. 3 weeks later I found I was pregnant with my 3rd child. It seems like these two events set off something in my husband that put him through some type of a mid-life crisis I'll call it. We were both very nervous about having a 3rd child, unsure if we were financially stable and of course, what was going on in the world at the time. I was going through the trauma of seeing first hand what happened on that horrible day, but yet I was trying to be understanding to what he was going through.
Well, I said I'd keep it short, so I'll jump right to it. The wife of one of his friends told me he cheated on me. He denies it.
I can't get past it. I would never think he would do anything like that, but he was going through something and all of it fits.
It's been a rough year, and he hasn't validated any of my feelings. Things are now back to "normal" and he is himself again. I am very confused, hurt and very alone. I will never know the truth, and don't know how I will ever have closure.

[darkeyes]

I don't know if there could be complete closure to something like infidelity, I'll spare you the details but it is almost 3 years now that I have tried to put closure on a similar situation, time,therapy, and medication have helped but I still wonder how much is still a lie to the fullest, he traveled on business with this ***** co-worker, things got too close for comfort for me when I came upon something I was not meant to know and that is when I went berserk, I never had a major problem when I knew they had to travel to Europe, it was understood there were others from the company too, but later I found out about him and the secretary who also was a friend of this bimbo, what a pair these 2 were, I better not get started, ha!ha! I'd like to believe nothing happened, but really when you lie about where you were and who you are with when like I said it was always an open understanding and I had trusted him till I discovered the lies, etc. that's the moment I knew I was being made a fool of. I would advise couple's therapy, if he refuses to go I suggest you go alone then, besides working through this with a therapist you may want to work on the WTC 9/11 trauma too, it may help. I have a cousin whose daughter also was one of the lucky ones that just missed it as she was approaching the first tower to get hit, she had worked there. She was so traumatized by the horrible devastation and loss of her co-workers, at first when counselling was suggested to her, she said "I'm fine", but her family saw there was something not right, she may have been in denial, like a defense mechanism had kicked in but as time went on she realized she needed to have someone help her through this. The cheating thing, that I wish I could give you more positive info. but I myself am still "healing", we've been married for 25 yrs. and knew each other since we were about 13 yrs. old. The trauma that you went through with the WTC was horrible but you had visual proof of what happened there and then, confirming in your mind, but I think it is more of a trauma to ourselves and relationship when you find out the person you always trusted has not been trustworthy..
Also as advice in choosing a therapist I'd go with a woman, I get along well with men but found that they sometimes lean towards defending the cheater if the cheater is also a male.
But that is just my opinion only, and if possible I hope my 2 cents can help save you further anguish. Please take care and always remember your kids are most important regardless of what happens with you 2, I mean it matters too but the kids are what we live for
"darkeyes"


In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Rachel]

Your message brought tears to my eyes. How are we supposed to heal, if we never really know the truth.
Regardless of the possible infidelity, it's the lies and deception that go along with it that makes me sick. It's like the person you thought you knew best in the world let you down. It really hurts and he would never go through counseling. He thinks it's not true, he is over whatever he was going through so that's it. He honestly believes he wasn't hurting anyone through all of the lies. Then of course there is that little piece of you that wants so badly to believe he is telling the truth.
Thank you......it helps to hear of someone with similar feelings. This really starts to take a toll on your sanity.

[darkeyes]

My present therapist said studies show men "get over" stuff much sooner than woman, sometimes even forget they upset us, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ! She also said that woman (studies shown this too) brood over stuff more readily than guys, and this may be why they can't understand why us woman get upset and take a while to cool down. Studies, studies and more studies, let's face it someone gets hurt regardless and it is not natural to just quickly "get over" it. I do not have the answers but if he doesn't want therapy, you still go if you think it could help you personally, it can't hurt
Maybe it is not "healing" that takes place, maybe it is more like growing callous and moving on?
Wish I knew how the hell to "fix" what happened to me and this nightmare, but I don't know yet so I keep with my therapy appt.s and see my pdoc, keeping track of my progress.
Funny how things work out, "they" go on in the world like nothing ever happened while I am still working at it
Lots of luck with this, it is hard but the children give you strength towards whatever decision you make rather to stay or leave.
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON