Have you ever issued an ultimatum/laid down the law with a mentally ill spouse?

Gordian,
There is so much here that you have shared, and I can't really add to the valuable advice already given. I just want to compliment you, and encourage you to continue the excellent care you are showing to your wife and children.
I do agree with you that your assessment of your wife's contention with the therapist who confronted her may be misdirected energy that she needs to be focusing on her recovery....which you so eloquently analyzed already. After all, she needed to be confronted!
As for your 13 year old daughter, I see a lot of kids at my middle school teaching job who act out as a result of home dysfunction. I think it is a very positive thing that she wrote the long note to you...and probably NOT too dramatic. She IS experiencing what she related, but it is so good that she felt she could share that with you. Many kids have NO parent to whom they could turn to, and you are a shining beacon of hope in all of this. You are very wise to keep watching and helping her.
So glad you posted an update to all of us here, and thanks to LMO for writing the intitial note to you. I was concerned, but, like many here, I was reluctant to bother you.
Patty

You have probably already done this; tell your 13-yr-old you know this is a hard time because of what's going on with her mother and if she ever wants to talk about it, you are here to listen.

And don't forget to do fun things with the children. You and they deserve to have some down time.

Oh, sorry, I guess I spent all that time posting & didn't help a bit. Probably because I'm bipolar & didn't understand the previous posts well enough. Happens a lot. Meds have affected my thinking--but I try. Sorry.

Absolutely no need to apologize, Suzy. I appreciate your input, so don't worry about it.

Doh2007 said: And don't forget to do fun things with the children. You and they deserve to have some down time.

Yeah, I know. Ever since my wife was released earlier this week I find that I've been spending too much time worrying and keeping an eye on her, and as a result I haven't been spending as much time with my kids. I need to fix that.

Thanks very much for your encouragement, seeker. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And it's never a bother. I like coming here.

i understand where gordian_knot is coming from. I am in a very similar situation as him. I love my wife. I want her to get better. Yes i get walked all over. Yes i feel unappreciated. but there is something in me that just seems to plug along and think (outside of all the BS) that there has to be a silver lining somewhere.

am i being conceited, over-zealous, fatalistic, or even just malignant in my outlook on the situation? perhaps.

my even bigger question is this though..... if i were her what would i want? if i were that person that needed help and didn't know how to ask for it how would i react later in life if someone actually did?

now...... for the next bigger question..... what if you could help someone you loved (even though in later posts we have established that love isn't enough) for better or for worse? what do those vows actually mean?

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LMo said:
My heart is really going out to you, especially after the 2nd to last post. But, you have your head on straight, and that's a good thing. You're doing the best you can.

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gordian_knot said:
Sometimes, it's like asking a sales clerk the cost of a shirt, and he answers "Elephant" and then burns down the store. I never know what words or actions will set my wife off.

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Good one... I'd laugh, but honestly, to you and me, it's not really funny... just sad...

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ok.... i read this too and i had the same reaction. its a VERY well put statement. However, i did kind of laugh. its just amazing what people can put up with when they really apply themselves to a situation - and the last i heard, humor never killed anyone - or burn down a store.

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LMo said:

...... sharing the details of my problem with my real-life friends has caused me little but judgment and alienation, some of which I brought on myself. Most people who have never been through something like this do not have a clue how hard it is. And worse, I feel as though *I* am the one being judged as being a doormat.

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i really don't know what else to say about this other than 'amen.'

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CedarS said:

You may feel like you made a huge mistake, your wife may do everything she can to make you feel like you made a huge mistake, but you did nothing of the kind. ........

.....Remember, you are not causing all this chaos. Your wife has reacted with lots of turmoil and chaos. You are not making her do this, even if she says you are. This is her choice or if nothing else, this is her responsibility, even if mental illness currently pretty much prevents her from doing much else.

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I can immediately relate to these statements. and at the end of the day its so very hard NOT to think that i had on some way been the root, or cause, of something - even though when i try to put my finger on what the cause actually is, i can't. this just adds to the confusion.

whats worse is that when it comes down to actually thinking about what to do, and why, i get lost in thought. i think about her two kids and what they have to look forward to if they loose the ability to live with their mom becasue i leave her. their father is less than a human being and it just breaks my heart.

and GK i understand totally about her being candid about everything in front of the kids. its not necessary and its a shame that it happens, i heate to see their hearts broken as much as they are because they have been through so much already.

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gordian_knot said:

When I got home, my 13-year-old had cleaned the house and had laid out pajamas for my wife and I on our bed with little notes for both of us. I cried my f-cking eyes out.


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i feel this one.. i really do. its so hard not to involve the kids in things like this. i can remember nights that the kids were in their rooms crying, listening to my wife yelling at me throwing things, trying to kick me out of the house.

it tears your heart out when they try to make it better any way they can, unable to understand all that is going on. i'm sorry that you have to go through all of this i truely am.

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gordian_knot said:
And what else can I do to help her?

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I've been working on my step-son for what seems like an eternity. his father has been on and off drugs (meth) and phsycally abusive of his mom (ex-wife) and his girlfriends now for years. his sister and him both have witnessed much of it first hand.

his sister defines us as 'bad daddy' and 'good daddy' - she's 6.

he however is much different and going to turn 13 in a few months. and no matter how much i work on him - he is a master at pushing things and people away from him in an effort to 'sheild' himself from further harm (at least thats what i perceive it to be)

and what amazes me even more is this - no matter HOW BAD a kids parents are, they willingly seem to overlook the worst things just to be around them again.

its quite unfortunate really that they don't understand. whats worse than that is the adults don't seem to get it either sometimes. but again we are talking about people with disabilities - is there an exception? i think we've made it clear that there is to some extent - but it is up to each individual to draw the line as to where enough is enough.

Its nice to know that there are committed people out there. GK you're a great example of commitment and love. those two alone put you at least SOMEWHERE near sainthood (dont let it go to your head).

ok... i guess i should have lumped all of those together..... i was at work reading this thread bit by bit, and then i hit my 'daily post limit'

not having kids of my own, and helping to raise two of hers, i see something as a kind of 'outsider' that i appreciate in kids... and i may have said this already, but i hope only to reassure in all that has happened.....

kids are some of the most resilient people i have ever met. they can look past anything their own parents have done, and love seems to be almost completely untethered with them.

the danger i see is when they become less reliant on their parents, and more independant. without something concrete to operate from they become very lost - this is something i can see they are definately NOT lacking from yourself.

watching my step-son battle his feelings about his dad has been tough for me, and worse for him. the only thing that is going to temper his feelings are time. and it sucks to watch him hope beyond hope for his dad to quit being a dirt-bag (my words) and understand that his own son's faith in people is being whittled away. his mother (my wife) having been through what she has been isn't much more of a help.....

I've mentioned before that I have a 21-year-old stepdaughter, my wife's daughter from a previous marriage. She's become an awesome, remarkable adult... but for a long time, she was a train wreck. Her dad was a physically abusive drunk whose infidelities ended the marriage. She was 5 years old at the time. After the divorce, her dad moved in with his mistress, fathered two kids with her, and mostly cut off his daughter, my stepdaughter, from his life. He barely called her, usually forgot birthdays and Christmases, and on the rare occasions when he brought her over to his new house, she was treated like a leper.

And yet, she craved his phone calls and defended him to the hilt. It took her over a decade to trust me, or anyone. She developed emotional problems, depression, drank and partied to excess, and got in numerous troubles with the law. My wife and I recognized that the best thing we could do was support her, try to help her, and through our actions let her come to understand for herself the kind of people we are, and the kind of person her dad is.

It worked. Today, she still loves her dad, but knows he's always been a dirtbag. And she understands that my wife and I stand by her no matter what. She needed the clarity of adulthood to appreciate that.

You're right - time is the only thing that'll fix this for your stepson. Don't try to force it... but if he's willing, try to get him into counselling to keep things from getting worse.

Um... hi. This is upsetting, overwhelming and somehow exhilarating, all at the same time.

I was Googling borderline personality disorder to deal with issues affecting my stepdaughter, and it led me to psychcentral.com, which rang a faint bell, so on a whim I sent a reset password request, in came through, I logged in, checked to see if this was the place... and here it is. This thread. This horrific, catastrophic chronicle of the single worst time in my entire life.

I re-read the whole thing. I couldn't help it. My God. Six years ago. I'd forgotten so much of the details.

Are any of the people who commented in this thread, the people that gave me advice, still around?

In a manner of speaking, I believe so. Although I still think it was the right thing to do, it still stands is being one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I just read through the entire thing, and OMG, it definitly was a catastrophe!

2 or 3 of those members are still around, maybe more if their usernames have been changed.

I hope things have improved at home for you and your kids since the last time you visited this site.

Things are much, much better. At the time, I never thought there'd be a way back, but somehow we found a way. My wife stabilized on medication and - maybe even more important - realized that the only way to have a meaningful life is to keep taking her medication. And she has. And we're happy. We love each other a tremendous amount.

There are still challenges. Although her bipolar disorder is mostly managed and her psychosis is gone, she's on about 11 different medications. Her energy is low, she sleeps about 12 hours a day, and she's much less independent than she used to me. She has troubles with anxiety and finds it difficult to go shopping, make phone calls and deal with stress. But she's trying. She challenges herself to confront those fears, and I encourage her too.

I'm so incredibly lucky that we came out the other side of her mental illness and have found a happy equilibrium. Thank God. I never want to go through that again.