[sidony]

Okay this is a bit of a complicated story -- I hope you guys have time to read it!

My sister and I were thinking of buying a home together. My sister is married (I am not), and we were going to buy one of those styles of houses where an in-law apartment is attached (for me). So we'd be in the same house but still have separation. We talked about doing it for ages. Then we started looking. And we couldn't seem to find anything that worked for all of us. We really only found a couple of places with any potential and rejected all of them for one reason or another. There was one that they were really hoping I would want to get, but it just felt all wrong to me (house okay, didn't like neighborhood). And then there was also a HUGE problem of a time constraint (my sis is pregnant and wanted to buy a place before the baby came). There were plenty of places the two of them could buy without me. And I felt sick with stress at the idea that I was holding them back even though they wanted me with them. I finally said it was all too stressful and I couldn't handle it with all the busy stuff I have going on in my life right now (work, school, etc.). But naturally when they DID find a place I felt (and feel) really depressed about it. And my sis is all disappointed etc. I'm plagued by regret because I wish I'd just gone for it on one of the places I wasn't sure about (perhaps I would've liked it after a while).

But here's the really hard part: Because it's so upsetting to me -- because I'm so anxious and regretful, etc. about it -- I can't talk to my sister. If I even see her name in my email inbox, I become physically nauseated. I can't call her or email her. I dread seeing her. I probably won't even be able to visit her when she does move. I feel like this huge disappointment to myself and to both of them. I guess I am, but I couldn't handle the stress of it. Unlike my sister I can't make decisions quickly, and I had all these fears about the different places we had looked at. And started wondering if it was a good idea, what the ramifications were (would it be a hardship for them to try to rent my separate apartment if I ever got married, etc.). It scared me and made me sick with stress. Most thoughts of change do that to me. But I really regret this. I've now alienated us. I wish I'd chosen to just give it a shot and see if I grew to like a place after a while. But they all felt wrong to me.

And this is plaguing me, eating away at my consciousness. I can't think about anything else or concentrate. So upsetting. I think I have a little bit of a problem with anxiety in general. I haven't even been able to talk about feeling this way. It's difficult for me to even write it down.

Sidony

[sabby]

I think you did a great job of writing it all down, even though it was difficult for you...you got through it!

Sometimes things just plain don't work out the way we hoped they would. I think that things happen for a reason. Whatever that reason may be....I hope you can find the strength to email your sis. It sounds like she loves you and that you love her.

You must have had some valid reasons not to jump into a home that you didn't feel comfy with. I commend you for doing that. It's not easy to rationally think about the negative possibilities in things when we really want something badly. We can easily be blinded by the excitement of obtaining what we want that we don't see the negatives.

Take some deep breathes.....it's ok to feel badly for yourself that this didn't work out the way you had hoped. Know in time, life will bring you many opportunities for you to take....and you will


sabby

[sidony]

Thanks sabby, your response is really helpful. I do hope things happen for a reason. I especially hope that I don't go on to always think my own choices are wrong. Sometimes I do or don't do things just out of plain fear. I wish I were stronger and more decisive.

Sidony

[sabby]

((((((((((( sidony ))))))))))))

Fear can make us do or not do a lot of things in life. It's hard to live that way. Would it help when you have to make a decision to write down pro's and con's and do your research on it to get as much info as you can to make an informed decision? In that way you may feel more secure in your decisions. Maybe worth a try?


sabby

[crazybones]

it is hard when you have to make choices like that maybe it would of helped if you had more time but even though you feel bad dont let it ruin your relationship with your sister you both have gone so far together talk to her let her know how you feel she probably understands and maybe feels bad herself give it a shot ok dont wait to long she might get upset with you herself i dnk whats the worse could happen

[sidony]

Hey Sabby and Crazybones,

Thanks for the comments. I did email my sister just now. I hope we can repair any damage we've done to our relationship. Of course I'm horribly nervous about hearing back from her.

Sabby, yeah it would have helped to weigh the pros and cons. Problem was I just felt like there wasn't enough time to think any of them through. I think my sister and I are two different personality types -- she makes decisions super-fast whereas I take forever. It's hard. I think I heard that this is the Perceiver vs. Judger Personality Clash. I'd have to read up on that though.

Okay cross your fingers that my sister doesn't totally hate me. I'll be sick if she chews me out in her email reply.

Sidony