[wubba118]

Dad died 5 years ago. Mom's been a handful ever since. At 1st, she was just seriously emotional (understandable). But she relied on me very heavily. Eventually, I moved 2 hours away. We've had our ups and downs. Two weeks ago, we had another "down," & I've hit the breaking point w/ her. Went to a wedding. Had a few drinks. A great time. This was dad's family. Mom was NEVER comfortable around them. Liked to show me off thruout my childhood. That was her only way to compete w/ these people, I guess. On the car ride home, I was talking family stuff w/ a cousin - the only one on dad's side I've ever been close to. Yeah, I had a few drinks. Was pretty tipsy (but not falling down drunk). However, now I can't get my mom to talk to me. This happens whenever I'm not her version of the perfect daughter in public. She won't take my calls. Leaves messages that we shouldn't stop by when we're in town, etc. If I don't make dozens of attempts to get her on the phone, I'll hear about how I don't care enough to apologize for my behavior. If I call her, I just end up talking to the answering machine for weeks on end. I have gotten the silent treatment one too many times @ this point & my ability to remain patient in these situaitons is gone. She used to pull silent treatments on dad whenever they'd fight. And I resent that she uses the same argument strategy on me that she used on my dad. I hate that I have to be perfect for her and no matter how hard I try, its never enough. And if I confront her, she's throws herself this enormous pity party, and lays the guilt on BIG TIME. If I confront her, she says some very hurtful things. Its like this ugly side of her, thoughts that she can't control, come flying out of her mouth. When her dog died, she called to tell me. She phrased it as, "another person I love has left me." When we're out w/ people, she talk about the long years of my father's illness in detail. It makes me so uncomfortable. But if I ask her not to talk about it, then I don't care to remember my father. Getting back to this wedding, my relationship w/ my father's family is not perfect. My mom wants to simply attend functions, show off her successful soon-to-be son-in-law, talk about how successful her daughter is, how attractive, how slender, what a beautiful car my daughter drives, blah-blah-blah. She wants me to smile & pretend that everything's perfect. Well, I'm not that person. I'm a straight shooter. I don't BS family on my feelings. So, when my cousin started talking about some of the family situations that had occurred in the past, I was honest. And even if I really laid out ALOT of feelings I have about my family, so what? We had left the reception, it was a private conversation in the car & I was being honest. I am a grown woman & how I interact w/ family is none of her business. So, I feel she has no right to be angry @ me for any conversation I have w/ my family or whether or not I have a few drinks @ a wedding reception. Problem is, whenever this stuff happens, it takes WEEKS to find out exactly WHY she's angry w/ me. And its always something minor. And by that point, I'm so furious & having to take time out of my schedule for WEEKS talking to her answering machine, that I'm furious and there's no hope in resolving anything. I don't know how to handle this situation. If I let her finally call me, then I'm a bad daughter & I don't care. If I call her, its just more frustration talking to an answering machine. And now I'm so angry w/ her that we can't possibly discuss this rationally. But the worst part is that I don't know how to stop her from acting like this again in the future. She's immature, controlling, jealous & lonely. And I've lost my patience. When she get's over emotional she always said, "I'm just an emotional person. That's just my nature." She allows herself the ability to act however she wants. But as her daughter, I have to meet HER CRITERIA on how I'm allowed to openly feel. That's not fair. At this point, I don't like my mother at all and I don't know what to do. All I know is that we have our wedding in 4 months, I've had 3 funerals this week, the company I work for was sold, I just got a promotion, & we're dealing w/ some family issues on fiance's side. I do not need this from my mother right now. Please help me. How do I approach these communication issues of hers???

[umotard]

I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is: was she this bad before your dad died? If not, has she had councelling because it really sounds like she has not dealt with this properly. She takes her anger out on whoever is closest to her and that would be you. Most likely she doesn't realize what she is doing. Could you convince her that the both of you should go to councelling (just so, you know, your not "a bad daughter").
I am sorry to hear about your losses lately. The best of luck to you!
Hugs,
umotard

People know a little about everything and alot about nothing.

[wubba118]

I did try to suggest counseling. She's old fashioned (had me late in life - I'm 31 now) and doesn't believe in that stuff. I tried to recruit some family members to convince her. The response I got from them was "the only person you can ever change is yourself." Obviously, that wasn't a big help on their part.

It used to be much worse. When I decided to move 2 hours away for a job, it just happened to be near my fiance's hometown. My mother was exceptionally verbally jealous of this. When I did live w/ her for a time after my dad died, she'd clean my bureau's & my closets while I was in work! It was ridiculous. Fiance & I went hiking once & got home an hour later than we said we would, she flew into a rage...she thought something had happened to me. Don't I know that she's lost enough already?! All these are reasons WHY I took a job 2 hours away.

Since the move, our relationship DID improve. But, I've noticed in the past year or so that she's funny about my social life. If I tell her I'm going out after work on a weeknight, she reminds me that I have to be up early for work the next morning. When we're out visiting her, if I make plans to go out w/ friends in the evening, she'll corner me & my fiance before we leave and remind us not to drink too much (I get a hangover about 3 times a year...I'm NOT a frequent drinker).

When fiance & I moved in together my mom started this campaign...came up w/ a million excuses to tell family as to why we decided to live together w/out getting married. I couldn't even buy my godfather a card for Father's Day this past weekend? Why? Because my mom has been known to by cards FOR ME, forge my signature & send 'em out. So, w/ her not talking to me this past week, I didn't know if she had sent him a Father's Day card in my name or not! Didn't want to show up @ his house w/ a card if I had supposedly already sent one.

And no matter how much I ask her to stop this stuff, she doesn't listen. But I digress. The main issue here is her silent treatments. Her tactic for punishing me (like she used to punish dad) whenever she's displeased with something we do. I don't respond well to that strategy. Right now, I'm in patient enough to keep calling her to talk this out - it would just lead to an argument.

But when we do finally talk, it is NOT going to go well.

I love my mom, but I really don't like her much. I just wish I could find a productive way to sit her down & talk to her. But she takes everything tremendously personally. To the point that if you make a criticism of the town she lives in, she looks at it as a personal attack on HER. If I may a criticism of a pregnant lady I saw smoking @ a bar, she feels the need to detail how careful SHE was when she was pregnant.

Umm...mom? I'm not talking about You. Talking about someone else.

Yup. There's a couple sentences I say pretty frequently.

[umotard]

Oh my god, it's a mirror image of MY mother. Unfortunately, I'm not over 18 yet to get away from her. But you are, and she is treating you like you are still seven. On the card thing, I would say, your an adult, you can buy your own cards. Even if she thinks you can't and you've talked to her about it. Just buy one and put your own name on it. I'm sure your family knows what she is like and knows her writing. She needs to SEE that you can take care of your own business. And don't worry, I highly doubt your family will look at you funny when they get two cards. It's obvious which one is from your mother.
And I would tell her straight out on her answer machine: " I know you want me to chase you and that is what I've been doing all this time and you try to give me guilt trips when I don't, but I refuse to anymore. If you want to hear from me you can act like an adult and return my message."
I know that sounds harsh, but just think about it: what is chased will run. You are chasing her around like a child after a bunny. But, if the child sits patiently, the bunny will come.
She may not talk to you for a long time, but she will. In the meantime, it's way less stress on you. Because when she actually does call, you are going to have to be the adult in the situation and realize that she will not be. Even if you're 90, it doesn't mean that you don't have alot of growing up to do. And it sounds to me like she does have alot of growing up to do. Good luck!!!!
Hugs,
Shannan

People know a little about everything and alot about nothing.

[menorot]

Wubba, there is good news and bad news for you! One day you will be able to handle your relationship with your mother. The bad news is that your cannot change HER. You can only change yourself, and that means maturing into a fully responsible adult.
I have had the same experience with my mother. It has taken years for me to understand her. She still causes me a lot of pain, but I know that the bad stuff she says and does is part of her condition: she has a personality disorder. I have learned that the only way forward is to forgive her, but at the same time be realistic about her problems. No mother is perfect, some of them are worse that others. You and I got stuck with a couple of bad ones.
You need help from another adult who understands what is going on - your boyfriend/ husband is the best person to help. You need someone to talk to who will support you and help you laugh about it, and get things in perspective.
Don't let her games upset you. She is trying to manipulate you. Act like a responsible adult and you will be one, even though she isn't.
Try to believe in yourself. You know, Christians have defensive weapons that can really help. When she attacks you, hold up your shield of faith (believe in yourself), so that she can't stick knives in you. Don't let her get you involved in arguments or manipulate you. Say what you mean, say "I love you, mother, but I can't cope with you right now," and get out of that fight.
Have someone with you when you talk to her (no private phone calls), so that you can talk over what happened, and decide how you could have handled it better.
Above all, don't hold any grudges against her- that will make YOU unhappy. Forgive her, and try to separate her bad behaviour from the mother you really love. As Christians say, hate the sin, but love the sinner.
Behave like an adult; don't get caught up in her twisted thinking, AND take lots of time out from her.
While she is grieving for your father, she may be behaving even worse than usual. She is a widow, and you are an orphan. You can't take her whole world on your shoulders, make sure you share the burden with others (brothers, sisters, friends). Allow yourself to grieve for your father, that's very important.
I hope this helps you.