Im happily married, mostly. The thing is, my wife has a few issues that keep us from being, well, fully realized as a couple and keeps her from being truly happy. I feel my life is almost complete, if It werent for this (minor) obstacle.She doesnt enjoy sex that often, as in, almost never.She has sex with me regularly but makes it painfully clear she doesnt enjoy it. Once every few months its good for her but thats rare. Even then she doesnt like it for more than a few minutes.
Its hard to get to the root of the problem because there are so many underlying issues she has. She has symtoms similar to chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety disorder, sleeping disorder, scoliosis, pretty deeply rooted back pain etc. She was also raped by her boyfreind years ago. These however are all things she doesnt complain about and mostly seems to be a very happy person. I dont know where to begin addresing these issues because she is complex to diagnose.I want very badly to help her(and us)becase as happy as we are, I know we could be much happier. she doesnt want to go to counciling(she said she went years ago and it was a big waste of time). part of her depression stems from not enjoying sex and feeling the pressure to enjoy it so she can be a better partner. She isnt sure if the pain from her skoliosis causes the sleep disorder causes the depression , which causes the lack of sexuality etc. or vice versa. Its multiplicity is quite confusing. I feel the fact that she was raped is part of the equation, but not sure where it all fits together and what order.

[Jason]

I do hope you and your wife get thru this, I wish you the best! Thank you for your help as well.

[johnx76]

Iam not a professional but will share what I have learned. rape is the ultimate violation of a woman. unless she get's the proper treatment for her particular situation, she will always carry the scars. those scars can often have effects on loved ones later. I recommend that your wife have an initial visit with a psychiatrist. he/she can discuss in detail the rape incident and, since a psychiatrist is a medical doctor, the scoliosis can also be talked about. perhaps this will help--I hope so. take care.

[Frances]

Hello folks,
I'm posting with a similar situation with a girlfriend. She too has multiple health issues one of which is a very lacking libido. Sometimes my heart bleeds for both her and her husband. He is a very loving man and extremely tolerant though likely very frustrated. She too is very loving toward him in all ways other than sexually and she has really tried. For a time she did drug therapy with the most wretched side effects including permanent hair loss ala male pattern baldness.

The guilt she feels in not being able to satisfy her husbands needs and desires is compounding her many anxieties. One of the most multifactorial pictures you can imagine. She is the most beautiful person and so is he. Recently she has considered she has been through the wringer enough and has determined she simply doesn't want to take the responsibility for it on her and he could consider addressing his libido as unmatched to hers and he can look for solutions that don't embrace infidelity! It's truly heartbreaking that an otherwise great couple have this anguish lurking behind the bedroom door.

Can I be bold folks and say I think the body mind and spirit can not be split into compartments to be measured and medicated in isolation. I have had many years of personal challenge and have not come through without a few scars. I have had the most benefit from embracing all aspects of my life when seeking better outcomes.

Study and investigation have shown our sense of wellbeing is relevant to our own scales. With conscious effort we can recalibrate our scales, a bit like we can adjust statistics to suit our purpose!! So take what you like from the data, I'm hearing that our recovery from any trauma is greatly enhanced when we have a healthy dose of love. Also our sense of being loved is by our own perception of being loved. Perception is heavily loaded by our experience, which is held in our memory by perception and.... if you get my picture? Get this, measured data indicates you can go to gym for 3months, not lose any weight and yet you will feel better about your weight than when you started? Fabulous stuff eh?? Since wellbeing is coloured by our perception lens surely the lens deserves some attention too.

Clear as mud?! The way we look at life is perhaps the least considered path to healing. Forgive me for saying so I hear a lot of anxiety in your letter and you speak much of your partners ills and deficits. A whisper too of conditional love and happiness on your part in that things would be perfect if only she was this or that. Considering the therapeutic effects of love you might measure yours as you express that your happiness and satisfaction are leveled at her. This is onerous on her and so it goes into the misery mix. It sounds as if her feelings are subordinate to yours. Her perception of being loved will be tinted maybe tainted by her feelings of inadequacy to sustain your satisfactions.

Please forgive my poor communication if it reads offensively. I simply want to suggest nothing exists in isolation.

I have been the novice in my own life many times and am learning to take opportunities to broaden the aperture coz it's such a big picture isn't it!?

I pray you find firm ground along the way and the travelling becomes easier for you both.

In best regard
Frances
Eat right, sleep right and play hard.

[Zenobia]

Frances has a lot of wonderful points. I will add a few of my own...

I am a woman who has trouble with sex. I have been raped twice, have talked through it in therapy, have worked hard on pleasing my man. It is hard when I don't have sexual desire and am told that in order for my husband to be truely happy, to really know that I love him I have to show him through sex. It hurts to have it pointed out again and again that I am a failure in this area of expression. Is it fair to be told that performing the act is not enough, that I have to ENJOY it as well in order for it to count? These are difficult obsticals to overcome. At times it felt as if SEX was my only purpose and that all the other things I did to show my love meant nothing. My hugging him, my touching him as I walked by, my gentle carressing when he was sad just didn't count for anything. This hurt. Sex was painful for me, but I had to give him sex or I was the abnormal one, the broken one, the one who will be left because I just couldn't give enough. The pain runs very deep. I am getting better. I understand that humans are sexual creatures and psychological health can often be determined by sexual desire but sometimes can't touching without sex be enough?
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

[mon]

I've been raped as well...
But I do not allow this experience to affect my sex life because that means that this person still has power over me. So, instead I (s)explored my very own sexuality and I LOVE and ENJOY good sex because I have chosen to do so.

It's not about what happened to you, it's how you digest it...(and poop it out!)

Sex is an import ingredient of relationships, in many forms.
It is nice to discover together as partners and share deeply connected moments...

Relationships without sex can be fulfilling as well, but to me they are more what I would call a very close friendship.
I believe partners desire each other...

Balance...

Sorry for my short and maybe 'direct' reply to this, I do wish you strenght and much love!

*M*

[Frances]

You know folks I think a key ingrediant here is vulnerability. For most the bliss available via a sexual union is harnessed to one's capacity to surrender. Please note this is not a submission induced surrender more a total expression of being safe type surrender. Post rape/sexual abuse/abuse it can be very difficult to achieve that safe place. If the the victim [possible the perpetraitor too] has not been to bliss prior then it can all seem like a lot of hype and they might not even feel inclined to seek it, heavens knows they are not likely to encounter it without a sense of total well being.

While recovery is available, a specific criteria perhaps is needed to sustain the venture. Pressure to perform is not within the parameters of that criteria. Unconditional love may well be a prerequisite whether it comes from self or other.

Evident here is that one size doesn't fit all. The cross fertilization of thought is though of benefit to all.

Love and healing is available when we seek it.
Regards Frances.