[Typo]

I am so confused. I have a close friend..well a close ex-friend. We where so close..and now I dislike him so much. I guess there is a need for background information so I will give some. Me and this ex-friend..who's name is Cody where extremely close. After he graduated last year he moved to west mephis with his cousin and was working a really good job and about to start school. Then he met this girl who is bad news all over the place. After he met this girl he quit his job, moved from West Memphis and has yet to go to school. I saw him yesterday at graduation..he looks horrible..I know he is doing drugs and drinking all the time. They both look so guant and sick. My mom talked to me about it and said I was a horrible friend for not caring anymore..that I should do something.

Is she right? I can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved!! I can't help someone who repadeltly removes me from their lives and then shows up ever 3 months or so and tells me what a great friend I am and then disapears without saying anything!! I'm tired of being burned and hurt by him and I'm tired of trying to fix him. Plus I don't want to be around that stuff..and he gets mad at me for not coming and seeing him or staying with him and his roommates when he calls and invites me over. I wouldn't want to hang out with him or stay with him and his roommates for a multitude of reasons. Plus hanging out with him could get me in big trouble with the law..and compromise my dreams of being a police officer.

I feel horrible but so apathatic at the same time. Am I horrible friend for not wanting to stay in touch or to try and tell him what he is doing is deystroing his life?? I would do it for another friend..my best friend who is like a sister to me..but I won't for him..why?? Should I feel bad about it?? I don't know and I wanted someones opinon..I am so confused!!

[magasanguis]

I don't think you're a horrible friend. I always had the same problem where if I see something I don't think is right, I'm compelled to fix it. But I have to remind myself that other people, even my friends, aren't my responsibility. I can only control myself and my actions.

There are times when I find it easy to step in and lend a hand. Other times, it's just not fitting. I can't decide which case yours relates to, because I'm not in your shoes.

It's possible his new crowd has more influence over him than you would. In that case, it's likely that if you confronted him about things, he'd meet your opinion with some dispute. But if he values your friendship, like he apparently says he does every once in a while, maybe just giving some advice would be appreciated.

Bottom line, you're not a horrible friend. It's obvious you care about him as a person and your empathy is causing you grief. Even if this guy doesn't know it, he's very lucky to have someone thinking about him like you are.

[bonaire]

Choose for yourself, but look closely to see if you want to help them "for yourself" or for them. You may be a "fixer" - you could make yourself happy if you fix them but then what? Do you want to continue the friendship? Do you want to just know that they're ok?

Sounds like you're young. As you get older, you get to the point where you say "you know, they really need to fix themselves and if they want my help, I will be there for them." I've helped one person help themself and I felt good about it. That same person isn't in my life anymore - but she's now married and in a much better place than when I knew her a few years ago. She was a horrible alcoholic, had some job issues and need to get her life straight after a failed marriage. Hard on me at the time but I wanted to "fix her" - the only way it really worked was when we worked to help her fix herself.

Good luck with you - but people come into your life for a reason and they leave for a reason. You should think to yourself if you really need everyone in your life to be ok when they come in and when they leave - or if you are ok with letting them go down their own dark-path in life without trying to fix them. You're still ok even if they're not. Your strength in yourself isn't reliant on how you fix others (at least that's how I'm thinking these days).