Problems of ending friendships

How do you get over the guilt of dumping someone, or rather two people?

Yesterday I had to send a Dear John emali to tow people for the good of my health. I have severe ME/CFS and this is made worse by any stress and bother these people had put me under extreme stress and well i could see there was no way to stay in contact with them.

Number 1 I had told months ago that we could only be friends, he did not take it well and pressured me about it, I stopped being in contact but then stupidly answered an emali he sent after I had not talked to him for nearly 2 months. I hoped things were settled but not really I tried to talk ot him aboiut this chap who wanted to meet me, I was very concnerend cos the man (Tim) wanted to shell out alot of money on me and I thought this was werid as he did not know me. So I emailed No.1 more to show concnern. All I got back was him telling me how jealous of my best friend who is a guy, but it wsa ok as he was a friend, but more jealous if I was talking of a relationship woith someone. And he asked if he could be more than friends again. Well firstly I was not talking of this tim really as a boyfriend I was worried, Tim has gone I said if he come he had to expect to get nothng but my company. Anyhow I am not well enough to cope with No !'s jealousy or his pressure on me to once again say no we have to be friends.

I knew then that I culd never meet him again cos no matter the fact he said he'd not say anything again he is so keen that there would always be this pressure for something more form me and I could not live with his level of jealousy, I am not well enough but to be honest I find someone telling me they are jealous puts me off wantring to know them even as an acquantaince.

Well I sent him a let saying how we could not be in contact anymore, explaining how I culd not deal with his jealousy or his wantig more from me and I signed it not in the familiar with my name but just first intiial and surname. That I do feel guilty about as it was a bit cold, but I wanted to distance myself from him and ensure he got the message and well that seened tge best way.

Number 2 is harder to explain as it is more involved, I will start by saying he live in USA and I live in UK, I believe he found me via this site and so to avoid being contacted by people again I have removed my alternative email address, I do not know his username here. This chap is married and well although I accepted his saying he'd be my online boyfriend I saw that more as something innocnet and that there could just be a bit of fun in knowing him. But also that he maybe able to help me when I had problems, and at the time I knew him I was dealing with another man online who seemed to be messing me around, that guy I dont hear from much anymore.

Well thinks with number 2 went fine and then he decided to send me money as a gift and alot of gifts for my birthday. The money I thought ok I will accpet as at the tim eI did not know it was a large amount, he had said it was gambling profit (I am not too approviing of gambling to be honest but well ok I thought) well to me that is like £10 (@ $18), as it is the most I have won in a lottery. But I thought well it maybe a bit more well he sent it by Western Union and I found it was £300 (@ $542). I was shocked he had sent this much.

Well from then on he changed, firslt he pressured me about how he could send more, and I could not understand that he had sent me alot already. There was pressure to find out about using eurois, useless to me and so on. He sent me £100 (@ $181), once again unasked for.

But not only that he also seemed to change towards me. Over an incident the called me a 'Little Sh#t' well that was offensive to me but when I complained about that his first response was basically to tell me off for complaining and that he'd pay it no mind as I was under duress from my mum. Well I told him how this upset me and sure he apologised. But still it left a bad taste.

He had also started to call me his 'online mistress' which I let slide but wsa offended by, I felt what the hell is this all I wanted was friendship online and someone to talk to. Then I told him about this Tim guy once again cos of concern and well I got back emails that were upseting joking about my having someone to have sex with (well when I first read it I did not see it as a joke but he said it was) and how I should wear perfume. All inappropriate as he had not checked anything about what I was saying about Tim.

Well this was a big bust up and I was very upset. I was upset as he had not learnt from the 'Little Sh#t' thing which fine maybe something jokey with him or sweet to say but well here you'd be careful who you said it to and personally I would never say such a thing to someone online or even to my best friend. Well I thought he would have learnt that want is a joke with him can be offensive with me. Anyhow it just got huger to be honest, in the end he told me how he was envious of Tim, so more jelaousy thing, and well he'd not checked the facts and this sex thing was a joke.

I asked him to give me time, it could be aweek or a few weeks so I could calm down, stop feeling so angry and get better this angre and stress had made me very ill. BUt like a dog with a boe he'd not let go, he would not give me the space. He pleaded with me to talk to him and how he could not sleep and so on. Well that suddenly felt that so much pressure I did not need it and I did not need it then cos I was still angry and his pleas feel on deaf ears. At first my step was to say I was blocking his email, stupid I know and I suspect he tried to phone me (stupid I know to have given him a phone number). I was talking to my mum about this and well someone tried to call me while I was talking to her, when I got off the pphone I checked the number and I was told there was no number available, now of that could have been a sales call but it was after 6pm and it seemed a bit of a conicerdence with teh email I had sent.

Well I then realised that I had to make my decision and that i had to say we could not be incontact. But I also realised he had snet me alot of money and sometimes people want that money back so in the email I informed hi if he wrote to me (i know stupid he has my home address) requesting it I would return the money I had been given via Western Union as soon as I could. This time I started the email by very formally calling him Mr and his surname and ended with first intial and my surname.

But then later I felt guilty about having been so formal, I had wanted something formal sounding to send to him as I was talking about in my view alot of money. I also wanted to put distance between me and him, but well after calling him by hte familar for so long until now I feel a heel for doing that. I fel a heel for saying he can have the money back which could offend him as he had given me a gift and I feel a heel for dear Johning both of them.

How do I stop feeling guilty. I know in myheart that I could not continue being in contact with either, I have to think of my health and protect myself, but still I feel guilty. I also feel scared, I dont think either one will do anything in revenge but I fear they might, what I dont know. I dont know why I feel scared but I do. I also feel worried about posting this as no. 2 I am sure contacted me after reading some of my posts on the site when I was in other problesm with some other bloke I knew online and so he could see this and that worries me to. How do I cope with guilt and fear in this circumstance?

Dear Angemoon:

Fear not, cause you have your rights, girl.
After reading your posts, it sounds like you did what's best for you, bravely and consciously; I'll just say well done.
You have the right to not want to mess up with your heart and it's healthy that you've decided you don't want that anymore - therefore, you should be able to lose the guilt in a second.

Stay cool and rest assure you're doing the right thing by protecting yourself from the stress and pain and doubts.

Be well.

Dear Galadriel -- I understand your feelings of guilt. I agree with those who say that you have to do what is best for you. I found "friendships" with men very challenging to navigate during my younger years (when I was more attractive), and I found that there were few men who could accept that my idea of friendship did not include sex, nor sexual flirtation. Often, there would be the insistence, such as you encountered, that my answering something equivalent to a friendly email, as a gesture of friendship, constituted in the man's mind, a "flirtatious" behavior.

Online relationships with a man can be especially risky -- because it is difficult to know if the man is even telling the truth. Plus, it strikes me as possible that a predator -- and I don't even mean a predator who might act out a rape if one met in person -- but an emotional predator who likes emotional dominating, or getting positive strokes for the ego -- might find some of us on these forums "easy prey."

It is a place where people come for support and help from an online community; so we are vulnerable, and that includes vulnerable to the mental/emotional manipulations of a user.

If a man was establishing a genuine relationship with one in PMs outside the forum, one would still have to take in account that he came here to deal with his own issues, so now one will be dealing with one's issues plus his.

In short, I think you did the right thing. I think the guilt is probably a good sign. You didn't act to hurt anyone, but to save yourself; you're aware of the negative implications for the other people. That shows sensitivity and integrity.

Hope the guilt vanishes soon!

Thank you for the support, it is nice to know I am right in what I am doing. And Wants2Fly your post really helps nad makes me think clearly. It will take time to get over the whole thing, I am gradually seening how much pressure both of them had been putting on me and ofr a while and well it is hard to get through.

In the end I think my expereince with men is not too good, I get scared when I dump anyone that there will be trouble as two boyfriends I had caused me trouble, not physical but emotionall bullying when I dumped them and one man who was an acquantince forced himself on me. And well alothough I had had good expereinces the bad seems to come back when everything goes wrong.

I do feel alot more wary of the internet now though, I realise that people can be lying and well that they can, without my wanting them to, put pressure and sort of suck me dry of energy. I dont think that this guy who contacted me by gettin gmy email from here was concsiously an emotional predator but he did have alot more problems than I relised and sadly he focused all his needs on to me and that was unfair and added to unseen pressure and in the end meant the friendship was unviable. But of course I was shouldering two peoples problems, sadly when he contacted me I was emotionally at a very week ebb. He said he wanted to help and be a support and well who doesnt want support, but I got through the troubles and by that time was sucked in to a friendship and so could not see what the truth was. Thank you for oppening my eyes to that. Time will heal but hopefully I wont forget and from now on the interent will be a tool for information, contact to trustworthy friends and if I need support or advice I iwll keep it within the coinfnes of this forum.

As to new friends, well only if we meet in the real world then I can check them out first and will have the chance to see quicte quickly that they are not good fro me in my circumstances, not that I can meet new people much as I am ill, but well better no new friends than new friends making me ill.

Glad to hear you are feeling more positive about yourself and your decision.