Is only concerned about winning

My ex has several problems that has affected many aspects of his life. He is a compulsive liar, a closet drinker, a stalker and an emotional, psychological and financial abuser and must win. It took me 22 years to gain the inner strength, swallow my pride and divorce him in attempt to find happiness and save my 3 children from the abuse.

He has never bonded with our oldest which is now 18 and out of high school. She will be continuing her education in the fall and is still eligible for medical insurance under his family plan, this does not cost him a dime. When I gave him the school paperwork needed for the insurance, he had a fit with his attorney. No, he doesn't have to provide insurance for her, but I would think he would care about the health of his daughter. Evidently not...

Even when we went to court about modifying the child support because her age, he lied about what he makes a month by approx. $2,000. I had to have the judge force him to give us 1040's and paycheck stubs.... there is still a 2nd job that he makes 1-2K a month. The judge agreed to allow me time to investigate with right for a hearing, forced him to turn over a Section C from his taxes and set the child support, upon my agreement to the correct adjusted amount for his main job. (2nd job is gravy money, not needed for survival) Ex had kids for visitation, told them that the child support was reduced by $60. actually was $25... followed with the statement "So technically I won".

Everything has to be his way all the time it's all about winning. Even when he is not ?

I could care less if he wants to believe he wins all the time, but he is not being a model parent and this behavior is affecting the kids.

Anyone have any suggestions? Kids have resorted to making up excuses for his behavior.

What a loser and a dead beat Dad... I hope things will get better for your family
Lily

Thank you, Lily. I hope so too, for the kids sake. He has already lost his oldest about a year ago, she won't have anything to do with him. It saddens me for her not to have a father she can have a good relationship with. The other two are twin girls. He spoils one giving her everything, she see it as love. Lets just say the other twin is about to give up on him. She loves her dad so much, but sees right through him. She has been going back and forth with her thoughts at times making up excuses for herself as to why he does what he does. I don't think it will be too long before she no longer talks to him.

He just doesn't seem to care about the damage he is doing.

((((((((((((((((((concerned4stepkids))))))))))))) Wow, that's tough. I'm so sorry he can't even see what he's losing. You are a good mom for getting your children away from the abuse. He may never realize what he's lost and that's a shame. Are your children in some type of counseling? I hope things get better for all of you.

No. I suggested this to my kids during the divorce, but they were adamant about not going.

At one point I started to get some help with the "spoiled twin" as I believe she may be bipolar. (Her father may be as well). She is the one I believe is the most hurt by the divorce, will do anything to support her dad, even if it means following his bad suggestions in hurting me. When she does, he rewards her with buying her things. She often excuses his behavior and her own with the statement "he was just mad" She is 14.

The sessions didn't go very well. I had to make a decision to force her to go or to find an alternative way. The Psychologist she did see was unable to determine anything, as my daughter resented being there. She even became verbally abusive to the psychologist.

I decided to find my own way to handle her drastic mood swings. More attention and more love has improved our relationship, but find I am walking on egg shells a lot. I control her anger, by controlling my own. She has since become very clingy to me. Perhaps in time, she'll also learn material items cannot replace love.

I can understand that Concerned4stepkids. You can lead a person to therapy, but you can't make them accept help. I'm glad you've found a way that works for you guys to help each other through things. I understand walking on eggshells too. It's a hard way to live. I hope things improve for you guys. Maturity helps a lot of things. Keep us posted. We care.

My oldest commented on her father. Comparing him to her boyfriend's dad (his parents divorced also). She asked my why her dad couldn't be like him. Boyfriend is 20 and his dad is still there for him. Gives him money for food while he is taking college courses, bought him a car. Pays for his visits.. lives in another state, has him fly in every few months and much more. My kids dad lives near by, but has only had the twins for 8 night in the last 7 months.

Her response was because he doesn't care. (She maybe right) Have no idea what to say.

My son's father doesn't do anything for him either. My son is an adult now and he's told me that he's not going to try encouraging his father to have a relationship with him anymore. Sad, but ultimately my son's father is the one missing out. My son is a wonderful young man.

I also have experienced that speechlessness in the face of it all, including the possibility that these guys maybe really don't care. They just very well might be self involved and fully unable to parent.

I guess ultimately the only thing we can do is to be a good role model of taking good care of ourselves and to be a good parent. I had to learn to live in the present, find joy in whatever the day brings, even in the face of challenges.

Well he is still at it...
Last week he made one twin mad for taking and reading her text messages each time she received one... I believe he thinks she was talking about him. Then the other twin came home very upset, because he told her that next week should have been our 20th anniversary which was the 18th.
The frustrated twins came home taking it out on everyone. I asked why they were mad at me for something their dad said and did? They both then started protecting their dad and said hateful things to me. They do this all the time, those that have witness them doing this are baffled as to why.

Here is what gets me about his anniversary statement.... He got married the day before we did the 17th, this week. (If I was the bride, I might not be too happy on the choice of date, but that's her problem) Why would he say something to my twin about the anniversary if he was getting married? Why care? I sure didn't.

The story continues... He tricked my oldest in talking to him by calling on her sister's phone, he asked to to come to the wedding the morning of it. She was angry at first but we talked and I told her that if she chose to go, it would be ok with me. She thought about it and went. Which is another story that will follow.

So I thought my ex would be happy and focused on his new life and bride.... I felt a sense of relief, that maybe he will just stop all the nonsense.
He had the twins for three days, they came home telling their older sister "dad" was talking about my fiance, saying he sees him all the time at the store with other women. Again, why would he do this? Does he not realize the damage he is doing to the kids or now with his wife? And even if he did, what concern is it of his? I think he was just trying to get a reaction out of me... again.

The wedding according to oldest...
Her dad only came up to her once, telling her he was glad she came and that she still had insurance, that he has the card and would give it to her... (so far no card) I have no doubt he canceled the insurance on her, after the fuss he made with his attorney.
She also said he gave a speech... that he was so happy to be with someone who loved him so much... basically on and on about how much she loves him and not a word about his love for her...
Dang it.

Yes, he has been VERY hung up on me in the past, even after he was engaged and not so long ago he was still begging for me back. What a jerk. I had to avoid talking to him because of this. Never missed him for a second. The comment about the anniversary makes me wonder if he is still hung up on me. Thoughts? Should I be worried he is going to continue? If so, how sad for his wife.

Oh btw- new brides sister called me days before the wedding... Asking me questions about him and telling me she had been checking him out.?!?!? She said they are in that honeymoon stage of impressing each other and really don't know each other very well. (everything he has done.. If she even knew the half of it) I said next to nothing as I didn't care or see how anything I said would be any good to anyone. The only thing I said was that sometimes people are different when they are with someone else and I hope that this is the case. She was a very nice woman, however, it makes we wonder if she is seeing through him. Not that I care any.

Just wanted to add my support. I hear so many stories concerning separations and demanding ex's. I too am glad you got out of an abusive relationship.

Thanks

Thanks for your support. I kind of feel sorry for her and her kids. I just can't believe he wont be abusive to them too. Oh, I didn't mention that new wife looks a great deal like me. Almost like twins or close aged sisters.

At the risk of sounding unsupportive (which is sincerely not my intent), is it possible that you’re sending out mixed signals without knowing it? I understand that you share three kids together and it’s natural that your daughters would come to you to talk about their relationship and problems with their father. But, and perhaps it’s just the mode of communication, but it sounds like you’re pretty fixated on his fixation on you. You seem to know pretty intimate parts of his life that would be unnatural for him to share with his children. Could this possibly be contributing to the problem? Could you be an active participant in this battle without realizing it?

Thanks for your support. I kind of feel sorry for new wife and her kids. I just can't believe he wont be abusive to them too. They don't know each other very well. I'll pray for them.

Oh, I didn't mention that new wife looks a great deal like me. Kind of freaky.

He has already made bad comments to my kids about her girl. Then later says he wants to adopt her. He has a very low tolerance of kids. I am guessing he only wants to adopt her so he doesn't have to pay out as much in child support... yes, he thinks like that.. and usually tells me. Whatever, I wouldn't expect less from him.

I just don't feel like I'll ever get away from him. We separated years ago and he is still in search and destroy mode.

"I guess ultimately the only thing we can do is to be a good role model of taking good care of ourselves and to be a good parent. I had to learn to live in the present, find joy in whatever the day brings, even in the face of challenges. " -CedarS

Your right... Thanks cedar

I am getting married.... different thread... a bit nervous looking for advice

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AAAAA said:
At the risk of sounding unsupportive (which is sincerely not my intent), is it possible that you’re sending out mixed signals without knowing it? I understand that you share three kids together and it’s natural that your daughters would come to you to talk about their relationship and problems with their father. But, and perhaps it’s just the mode of communication, but it sounds like you’re pretty fixated on his fixation on you. You seem to know pretty intimate parts of his life that would be unnatural for him to share with his children. Could this possibly be contributing to the problem? Could you be an active participant in this battle without realizing it?

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I really don't know much about his life, nor do I care. I only know of the stuff that gets thrown in my face.

There are no minor emotions with him... Yes, I am very afraid of him. He was abusive.
When there is someone you fear, you keep your guard up at all times. And I will protect my daughters anyway I can.

I must have misunderstood, and for that I am sorry. In my own experience these people have a way of roping you in.

AAAAA, it's ok. Yes, you do get roped in for your own protection.

He usually finds someway of informing me of his next plans on destroying me. That's one of his creepy way of getting to me psychologically.

Then there are the times he acts on impulse. I have to watch for the signs that he is about to do something again.

As far as the wife, I am actually glad she is good to my kids, it makes me feel better when he has them. He also behaves most of the time when she is near.