[jamminpianogirl]

My boyfriend has been saying he needs some space for awhile now. Time to see friends, family, and be alone. With hard work and medication, I've been able to let him go a lot more lately. I used to panic, hurt myself, stay up all night crying, you name it, when he was gone - I had a ridiculous dependence on him.

Now I don't go through that anymore, but of course I don't feel perfect: Other than my relationship with him, I'm pretty isolated and spend most of my time alone. Lately, I've been feeling so lonely, depressed, anxious, and sick to my stomach from all of the emotions. Luckily their in control.

I haven't been telling him about how I've been feeling, because I know if he knows I'm not feeling well, he will feel guilty and will be unhappy. So he's been getting his time alone, and I'm proud of letting him go. But it hurts. I'm not telling him because I want him to keep feeling good and not feel guilty anymore, but we used to be so open in our relationship: we talked about everything we were feeling. Now I feel like I've closed up to him.

I know that in relationships, its really important to have open and honest communication about feelings and issues that pop up. But I've also heard that when men start withdrawing like he has (he used to be all over me, wanting to spend every moment together - gosh, it was even a little too much for me!), its important to give them the space they want. Not to give more time and attention to them than they are giving to you; because if you do, they'll feel guilty.

What should I do? It seems like these two things contradict each other.

[Rose3]

Try to get over being dependent on him.
I don't know about him feeling guilty.

.

[jamminpianogirl]

Oh dammit, tonight I blew it again. I always do this. I feel like I lost control and before I knew it I was telling him everything I've been feeling. You know how some people are compulsive liars? Well I feel like I'm compulsively honest. I have an anonymous online diary, but I let him read it because for some reason I have this need to have at least one person in my life who knows almost everything about me, and wrote some stuff about what I've been thinking and feeling. Well he read it and before I knew it we were talking online and he got upset I haven't been telling him my feelings and I told him everything... It ended up awful where we both felt terrible, I don't even know what's going on now, he used to tell me he always wanted me to tell him everything I'm feeling, now he says he doesn't even care, he just wants to trust what I say... What does that mean?

Ugh I can't believe I blew it.

[Rose3]

So now he says that he doesn't even care - what kind of a response is that?
Uncaring!
Maybe as you realize that you want someone to know all about yourself - he's not the right person for this. Maybe search for someone who is a bit more mature (or professional). Maybe instead of searching for one person - search for several (or many) and share a bit of yourself with each of them. Getting acquainted takes time.
And ask yourself - why do you want someone to know all about yourself? Maybe you want to be known? And valued.

[Behindthemoon]

i have had this kind of experience before . you try hard to give him some space but he is not able to notice the effort and let you down unconsciously. its hard to tell how badly depression deteriorates relationship,for both sides.
take up some positive habits and live more actively ...for you own sake

[kim_johnson]

It sounds like a hard thing... On the one hand to act maturely in the sense of giving him the space that he has requested and that you know he legitimately and understandably needs... On the other hand wanting to act maturely in the sense of having an intimate relationship where you can be honest and open about your feelings and thoughts that are so important to you... A little like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Do you have a therapist? I guess I'm wondering whether it might help you to be able to talk to your therapist about how awful you feel when you are alone sometimes. Sometimes talking about it will help us feel a little better. Then because we are feeling better we are able to be honest and open about feeling okay and that doesn't strain the relationship at all.

You know, I had a similar thing with my ex boyfriend. Trying to have a healthy relationship... Finding it hard sometimes. Not wanting to be demanding... But also wanting to be honest and open with him. It was hard. It really helped me to talk to my therapist about that.

It also helped to get some other things going on in my life. Other friends. Other hobbies etc. Is there anything you can do to meet other people so you have some more people to talk to and hang out with as well?

[CedarS]

When I was in a situation like yours what finally worked is for me to be in solid regular therapy. I had to slowly but surely reorient my focus to my own health.

I also read lots of books on relationships and communication from the library. I also read up on my own mental health issues that were related - such as having ptsd and also being the adult child of an alcoholic.

I wish you well, I sure feel for you, I remember experiencing that kind of pain. Somehow therapy, time, educating myself on mental health and relationship issues, and developing a focus on fun hobbies all helped me.

[MyBestKids2]

Hi jamminpianogirl

I think you should be so proud of yourself. You have come a long way in your relationship and that is wonderful. I think you are doing the right thing, however, if things get too uncomfortable or you are very fearful, it certainly won't hurt to drop a hint or two to your boyfriend.

Good luck,
Dee

[iknowyouhateme2]

wow this fornum has really helped me alot. this is basicly how i am.