[concerned4stepkids]

I was so excited to be getting married, but after talking to my sister and kids, I am sad.

Sister thinks he is too young for me and doesn't make enough money (although it more than what I make and I have a good job) and I should date others. She thinks it's a mistake. She is my best friend and I respect her opinions. sigh.

Teen kids are still dealing with the divorce, although ex and I have been separated for over 2 years and are dealing with dad getting married last week. They keep saying I haven't asked them if it was ok... although it's been more times than I can count. One doesn't want me to ever marry, says she is not ready. Other says she wants me to be happy, but ... (???? never says what) Other is older, isn't saying much, but just doesn't seem like she is enthused about it.

And I still haven't told my parents. (btw- I am in my 40s) No one is good enough for me in their eyes.

This whole things is causing so much stress on me. I want to be happy, but everyone else is unhappy, which makes me unhappy.

Fiance is excited to be getting married, he has wanted to marry me for over a year now. He would be happy just going over to the court house today.

We plan to be getting married within the next 6 weeks... after my kids come back from visitation. I just want a quaint wedding, just us and family.

I think they are going to resent it because it will be right after they get back. They wont get to help plan. I have been trying to talk to them all week, they leave Monday. I am running out of ideas and time.

Postponing - I already have once. We were supposed to get married Sunday. But things just are a mess. We are on a time limit because his daughter will be going back home in another state after that date. The no telling when we can have her again as this will only be the 2nd time in 4 years she let him have visitation. It's bad enough that his son wont be there because mom wont let him come... (court battle now). I also feel that my fiance will see it as I don't want to marry him. He has already thought that in the past because I said we were not in any hurry. He gave up on me once.

Buying rings... Took kids with us. Didn't go well. Thought they would feel included. His ring, we found the perfect one (not traditional, but it's perfect and unique).. then the price went way up because it was marked wrong. Had our hearts set on it. Mine, having a difficult time finding anything within our budget and that will look right once sized for my small finger. sigh.

Ex wife who is bi-polar is driving us crazy.. either refusing visitation or calling to ask if she can help with the daughter clothes for the wedding. ?

Tick, tick, tick BOOM is how I feel my happy day is going to end up.

Why is this so difficult? I just want everyone to be supportive so I can be happy.

[bebop]

hon do you love this man? if so think of this. your kids are pretty much grown. they will be leaving the nest soon. I told my kids when they did not even want me to date that they would not always be around and I did not want to grow old alone. you have to do what is right for YOU. no one else. everyone will always have their opinions on your life. it is YOUR life. if this man makes you happy then to heck with everyone else. do what is right for you two! good luck hon

[blue_roses]

*giggles* you sound so much like me. i can hear my best friends telling me to stop over analyzing things and just enjoy the moment!!!

don't let others ruin this for you! this is a happy time!!

& remember you're kids are teenage girls!!! they're not going to be happy about anything... they're teenage girls! ten or fifteen years from now they'll be glad you married and are happy!

take care and best wishes!!

[concerned4stepkids]

Thank you so much for your posts. I needed to hear from someone who shared my views. Oh, yes I am very analytical to a fault.

You are right teen girls are never happy.

I have had many conversations with them about how in just 4 years they will be off to college and I will be home alone. And you are right, they don't even want me to date. They just want me to spend all my time with them. Which usually ends up in them going off with their friends and me sitting at home or being a driver for them. I guess they are just kids and really don't understand. They don't think I can love everyone.

I love him so much

I'm the type who tries to keep everyone happy. I guess I just have to press ahead and hope they can work through their emotions later.

My sis called, she didn't say anything about our talk, but I think she was just calling to make sure I wasn't mad at her. It was one of those calls that was no reason what so ever. a step forward

The stress:
I fear an ugly outburst on the wedding day.... my kids are like that when pushed to their limit. I guess that is where most of the stress is coming from. At times I just want to get married without them there... which I would never actually do.

[thelostone]

if your ages were reversed most people, with the exception of your children, wouldn't have any problem with it, sad but true. as long as he is not trying to come between you and your kids, or is not good to have around your kids, go for it. they will forgive you when they realize you still love them and are there for you.

lost

[sabby]

I married a man that was 21 years younger than me. Because of extenuating circumstances the marriage is ending. Not because we don't care for or love each other...but it's a long story that I won't go into.

My kids had some difficulties (and they were in their 20's when I remarried) but they soon got over them. When children see their mom happy, they tend to step on the bandwagon. Being open to discussion and giving them a chance to voice their concerns and feel validated is important. I would insist on everyone being respectful within their discussions. You can validate their feelings and still marry the man you love and be happy too. While most family and friends want what is best for us and may not always agree with our decisions, as long as their is not abuse in the relationship, then take their opinions with a grain of salt, validate them by accepting how they feel while standing your ground and going for what you both want. Sure beats worrying what folks will say and having issues with them as well. At some point, they will get over it. As long as they see the happiness between the two of you...they will back off

Wishing you well!


sabby

[AAAAA]

You’re walking a tightrope. I know you want your family to approve and be included, but in the end, only you know what’s right for you. I don’t think I’d have as great a problem with my parents and siblings as I would with my children. Since they are the most important people in my life I don’t know what I’d do in your situation.

If you know that this man will enter your home (or his) and be kind and considerate to your children, then things should work out fine. And if he’s willing to join your family knowing that the kids are going to give him grief and he’s willing to take it on with eyes wide open things should level out after the initial declaration of war by the teens.

I’m assuming (based on his age) that his children are very young. You’re going have to deal with his ex for a long time to come. And the first thing he should do is go to court and get set visitation.

I don’t envy your position, but I do wish you both the best of luck.

[concerned4stepkids]

Sister called again.
She said she had reservations about him. Thought he was only looking for a new mother, since I have guided and been there for him in the past. (His parents passed away 7 years ago) I said no, his older sister took on that role. She reiterated that it was my life and she would respect my decision and keep quiet if I choose to marry him. Followed with prodding of questions, which I quickly became quiet.

Okay, love her but... why should I have to explain anything to anyone? It's my life.

His kids are 4 and 5. One is a special needs. but his kids are another story. I love them both and would love to be part of their life. Visitation is set, ex wife just doesn't think she has to follow anything (has no respect for authority)... she is already gone against the judges direct instructions for visitation... but she'll have to answer to him when they go back.

[vetswife]

I think your family will get over it and except it. So will your kids.

I'd be worried about the ex. My husbands ex is like that, has no respect for authority and will lie, cheat, steel do anything she possibly can to get her way. She even had a Judge kick her out of the court and ordered her never to step foot in his court house again (she filled harassment papers on him to a circuit judge). They had to go to a different county for all their court proceeding which there was one every two months. A number of lawyers dropped her (filed papers to drop her) They're are some wacko's out there. My husband wound up surrendering his visitation rights, she started to say they we were abusing him. Now he's 11 and giving her a hard time and she's begging us to take him. He comes over when he or she wants and that's what she wanted all along. In the long run it only hurts the kids, my poor step-son is a mess. My ex-husband and I are good friends, what a difference it makes with my son. I hope you're ready for the long hall and you really, really, really love him.

I bet you any amount of money the judge slaps her on the rist and sais "don't do it again".

I'm sorry this is so frank and negative and I didn't mean to get into all of that, this really brought up some bad memories! I also think you should know what a nightmare it can be and your relationship is going to have to be super strong to get through it. My husband and I are still together (8 years) so we made it, so far! If you ever need to vent, I'm here and I definetely understand.

Good luck with everthing (what a ruff start!)

[concerned4stepkids]

I hope so with the family.

My ex is bad also. abusive and controlling. saying that as if there is a difference.
His ex has multiple mental problems, which I feels sorry for her in a way, but she just doesn't take her medication like she should.

Sis also mentioned the kid thing. sigh