[villagesmithy]

Hello, I could use some support right now. My husband and I are having some real problems -- we've been married for 20 yrs. as of June 25th, but we didn't celebrate it because I found out he took a vacation trip to Myrtle Beach with this woman "friend" who has haunted our relationship ever since I've known him.

He said he's know this woman since he was 13, and he doesn't want to stop being her friend, even though he knows I don't like her, never did. I see her as a very sneaky person, very manipulative.

Anyway, when he returned from his vacation, his cell phone rang, and although I left the room, I could still hear his side of the conversation. It was someone telling him they made it on the train o.k. A few minutes later, another call. This time, he tells the caller, "Oh, so it's like, welcome back from your vacation."

When I confronted him about the calls, he lied and said it was a friend from work. A friend whose name he had never mentioned before. This was on a Sunday night, about 9:00 p.m. Later, after talking with a friend of ours who is a Clinical Psychologist (she recommended that he tell the truth and accept the consequences), he admitted it was this woman friend who was on this vacation with him. He told me he spent $300 a night for a room at a resort hotel.

When I checked a joint account where we have quite a bit of money which was to get repairs on the house, he had hit the account several times, just before the vacation. I immediately took out most of the funds from that account. Later, he came along and took out all but $5 of what was left.

This isn't the first lie he's told when it comes to this woman. He has lied many times before. I ask him why he lies, and he says because if he tells the truth, I get mad. He doesn't realize that when I catch him in his lies, I'm even madder. It seems as if he WANTS to get caught in his web of lies. Yet, he says I treat him like a little boy.

He says he loves me, that I'm the one he married, etc., etc., etc. But still, he can't or won't see that this woman has drained a lot of energy from our marriage. I'm fed up now, and I'm contemplating a separation. I've told him that his actions speak way louder than his words. I found out recently that my name is not on the deed to our home -- his brother was the original owner, but we lived in the house and paid the mortgage. When his brother died, he willed the house to my husband. I am now working on getting my name on the deed to the house. I am burnt out by this marriage and I've told him this.

He now says we shouldn't throw 30 yrs. of our relationship down the drain. Funny thing is, he wasn't thinking of that when he told this woman she could come along on this trip!

I'm angry, I get depressed (I suffer from severe depression -- I'm taking Wellbutrin and Lexapro daily for this); I'm in recovery, and have been for 13 yrs. now -- alcohol, cocaine abuse. I've been in therapy many times, both individual and group, and I went to see a therapist who helped me about 2 yrs. ago when this problem reared its ugly head.

Sorry to ramble on, but I can't eat or sleep, this is really bugging me. I feel like I need to get my financial/legal house in order and leave this man. I've supported him through several illnesses related to his diabetes, yet he says we shouldn't "keep score" because we've both helped each other. While this is true, I feel that somebody needs to tell him the score because he doesn't seem to know it.

Any support would be appreciated!

Thanks!

[wanttoheal]

Wow, sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Yuck!

I was listening to a radio show a few months back and this lady was talking about separations and divorce. I wish I could remember the name of the book she was advertising, but it was about how often women don't get what is rightfully theirs in situations like this because they don't realize what is available to them. I'm sure it happens to men as well, but this radio show was concerning women.

My advise before doing anything is to learn exactly what your household is worth, etc, in the event you decide to go your separate way. The fact that the house is in his name doesn't sound good. I would definitely talk to someone about what to do there. I don't know that I would let husband know at this time what you are doing in that area until you get all your bases covered.

I don't know what you plan on doing in the end, but please take care of yourself and talk to people. I'm glad you have a T that you can discuss this with. I guess bottom line is what can you handle. I couldn't handle that, but I'm me. My first thought is Eff that. But, I do also know there is more to it than that, especially after 30 years.

If I can remember the name of that book, I'll let you know, but you might be able to do a search and find some information about how to keep yourself financially safe in situations like this.

Take care and please keep us posted.

[Perna]

He sounds like a great "friend" but not the greatest husband. I agree with you that you should get your financials in order and start something that is better for yourself. I didn't hear anything in your post about why you would want to stay with him.

[Doh2007]

What a shock! An unbelievable amount of betrayal. I hope you can talk to the Psychologist some more. I'm so very sorry you had this happen. It's a terrible thing.

[sunrise]

What a c**ppy situation with your H. villagesmithy, I'm glad you have a therapist for support. I think going on secret vacations with this woman is way over the top for just "friends." If you are just friends with someone, you can have lunch with them occasionally, or invite them over to your house for dinner, etc. Sounds like he is invested with her in a longterm affair. Is that what you think?

I think it is a good idea to get your financial house in order, and yes, definitely get your name on the title to the house--top priority! Try to do this stuff without rocking the boat too much, as it will be much harder to do if you separate first. While you are getting this all in order, you can think about what you want to do, if you want to work on the relationship (go to couples counseling?), get out, or what, and use your therapist for help sorting this out.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel that somebody needs to tell him the score because he doesn't seem to know it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That person should be you, but hold off until you have done the financial stuff you need to do to protect yourself in case things fall apart.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I immediately took out most of the funds from that account. Later, he came along and took out all but $5 of what was left.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">What did you do with the money you took out? What did he do with the money he took out? Be sure to keep track of where all the funds are going, and don't be surprised if he wants to do the same (know what you did with the money you took out). Remember all your money right now is joint property so you each have a right to know where it is. You might want to agree with him to put it into a frozen account that you each agree not to touch until you work this out one way or another (if you can trust each other to not touch it). If you can establish that you do have some trust right now, it will help the divorce go more smoothly, if indeed you decide to divorce.

Here is a book I have found useful for understanding the settlement options available (might be too early for you to make use of this??): Fair Share Divorce for Women.

Best of luck. Protect your interests no matter whether you stay or leave.