[psyco1]

I am a father of two children. One male and one female. I did everything I knew how to do to build a relationship with my son when he was young. I spent time with him and provided him the money he needed to get a good education and let him choose his own career. In his first year of college he hooked up with a woman. He went on to add several advanced degrees which I helped him afford. Along the way, they married and he changed his name by blending their two names into one to form a completely new last name. It embarrased me and humiliated me. I can not get a perspective on this and seem to think about it all the time. I need help in leting this go. Can anyone help me? Now he has a daughter and another one on the way. He has never told me why he did that. I recently sent him an email asking him to explain why and he now will not reply to my emails or talk to me. Any ideas will be appreciated.

[seeker1950]

OH, I'm sorry you are feeling bad about this, Psyco1. It is admirable that you provided for your son's education, including advanced degrees. Perhaps your son and his wife chose to blend their names purely as a way of compromise. Many liberated women these days don't want to change their names when they marry....just a thought.
Other than the issue of the name change, how would you describe your relationship with you son? Do the two of you still communicate otherwise, see each other? If so, then you should not dwell on this, as it is wonderful to have a good relationship with our children.
patty

[gordian_knot]

Although this is not very common, some couples choose to move away from the tradition where the wife adopts the husband's last name. In one case I'm familiar with, the host of a film review podcast I listen to got married. He combined his name, Sam Hallgren, with his wife's name, Carrie Vandehall, and they now have the common last name of "Van Hallgren". Here's how he explained it on his blog:

When Carrie and I first started talking about marriage last fall, I told her that I personally felt uncomfortable with the idea of her changing her name. Not because I didn't want her to take my name, but because I felt like the whole notion of a woman automatically taking her husband's name was a pretty archaic concept. But we talked more about it and we decided we really wanted our family (if/when kids came along) to have the same last name. Mom, Dad, Kids and Pets. The whole family. Same last name. So Carrie was prepared to become Carrie Hallgren. And then this Spring we were joking about combining our names. Just kidding around. Sam and Carrie Halldeest. Carrie and Sam Deestvanhall. Sam and Carrie Vandehall. Carrie and Sam Van Hallgren-Deest. Sam and Carrie Van Hallgren. "Wait a minute," we said. That sounds pretty cool. Sam and Carrie Van Hallgren. Like "Van Halen" but "Van Hallgren." "Why not?" we asked ourselves. Carrie gets to keep the "van" handle that she grew up with, and I get to keep "Hallgren" unsullied.

Here's a USA Today article from last year with interviews from other couples who have done it, including one husband who adopted his wife's full last name.

There are many reasons a couple may choose to do this. Maybe his wife is a devout feminist and wants to keep all or part of her last name. Maybe they're both irreverent and they want to thumb their noses at tradition. Maybe they want to do this as an expression of their love for each other.

The key question you must ask yourself is this: regardless of their reason, is it worth all your pain and worry, and the risk of jeopardizing your relationship with your son, just because he chose not to follow an old marriage tradition?

It's really not. He's your son. You'd still love and accept him even if he decided to have a pagan nudist wedding.

On a related issue, you said you were embarassed and humiliated, and that you think about it all the time. Did those feelings come out in your e-mail to them?

[BalishBun]

I took my husbands last name, it did cross my mind to blend our too last names together and turn it into something else, but I didn't. I see nothing wrong in it, he still has his last name parcially, and so does she. Thats just an opinion, theres no wrong or right answer to that.

[Wants2Fly]

This is important to you, and it is clear that you have deep feelings about it. It is challenging for me to enter into your perspective about it; I kept my later father's name when I married and throughout my life. I agree with those who say --love your son who is still the person no matter what name he chooses. What if he were an international celebrity, like Cher or Bono or Sting, who had chosen a public name to be known by? Would that also be hurtful?

[kim_johnson]

As a potential academic... I'll either keep my last name or have a hyphenated name when I marry.

I am female... But that is what I shall do and I'll admit that if I hyphenate then it will be on the understanding that my husband does the same.

I think hyphenated last names (that are the same with a couple and with the children of the couple) help reduce complexity for the children since some people aren't very understanding about this... It seems to help things go smoother if the parents and the children have the same names...

I would expect... That that is why he did it. I'd imagine that he would have talked to his wife or his wife to be about it and thought that it sounded reasonable. He might be surprised to know that you feel badly about it... I'll admit that I hadn't thought to bring it up with my father at all... Just was planning on going ahead with it (if I marry).

- edited to include:

Ah... Sorry, I just got what you meant with the 'blending' names thing rather than hyphenating them. My one concern about marrying someone and hyphenating the last names is what will happen if hyphenated kids go on to marry hyphenated kids. I think... My father might feel badly if I did that... But that being said, I'd say they did it maybe to avoid that situation for their kids...

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Dear Psyco1, we all have different belief systems, some people believe that there is an order to life, a structure or a plan that works best, and they go with it...others don't. Some people cast off the customs of their society because they see them as somehow restricting or that they don't represent who they feel they are and rebel against them. When we do that we usually open up a Pandora's box of trouble we never anticipated. First, it's taken a toll on your relationship by driving a wedge between you and him. Your son may someday come to find that there's a reason why he's supposed to be the head of his household, all teams have a leader otherwise you end up with chaos...someone has to steer! make decisions etc...having said all that I also believe that if a man is the head of his household, his wife is definitely the neck! and a full partner to the man (the head). Your son is a fully grown man,and beyond your influence (apparently) just keep loving him AND his wife and family despite whatever feelings you might have about what he's done. focus on the love instead of the dis-respect

[altonwoodsdrphil]

also, you can "let this go" by understanding that you played a role in it.

((((((((((((Psyco))))))))))))))))

I don't believe he did this out of disrespect at all .... i think the other posters are correct in saying it is a modern day thing and personally I think it will begetting more popular ... women are more independant and don't believe we should always have to take a mans name just because we get married ..... some don't agree, we are all entitled to do what we wish as adults ... I can see you are hurt about this and my heart goes out to you, but love is more important than a name .... we are here such a short time, I hope you work it all out, sincerely, Jinnyann

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[bonaire]

It's about the man/woman, not parents. My roommate in college got married a year out of college and took his wife's last name as his Married name. His parents were ok with it. The issue is "culture" vs. "options". I think you stated you were humiliated by that. In my personal view, my mom used to get humiliated and embarassed by many things. I feel most were due to her cultural conditioning and her "feelings" developed through her younger years. Cultural embarassment is a reactionary conditioning sometimes caused by fear of unknowns.

Names are simply labels. Sure, the demarcate the family tree. But in the big picture, they mean very little. A person's true label is his "character known in the community" and not his hame.

Not sure if all this made sense. But my feeling is he/she did it as a way of showing each other that both were important to each other - a form of melding families vs. the cultural tradition of "the man's surname is the law". Each culture is different and one thing I find interesting is evolution exists in our culture - here in America, we enjoy freedoms which may be a little upsetting at times but an open mind feels a whole lot better in maintaining a stress-free life rather than living by the training our parents and culture have tried to "condition" us to believe is the "right way to be."

The only right way is Love.