[seeking]

What criteria is used to analyse a relationship?

I've got love, sex, communication, trust, activities, sport. Surely there must be more?

[Myzen]

Hi Seeking,

I echo Ozzie's question, why are you trying to analyse it?

My experience has been that analysing relationships is fraught with problems, and even sometimes creates problems that aren't there.

I am a verbal and quite intellectual person, and these skills have done me no good at all in personal relationships. My best close relationships have been a complete mystery to me; people have just locked onto me non verbally and proved to be firm and reliable friends. But they are never the people I expected, it's amazing.

Also, in my firm relationships the idea of analysing is comical, I know they are there as sure as the sun comes up. The ones I have 'analysed' have been the flaky ones, and they have invariably fallen away.

One thing you can do is observe your feelings when your with someone, and listen to how that person relates to you. In the good relationships the signals are loud and clear.

Of course, this is only my experience, and I may be oversimplifying, but that's how it has been for me.

A final thought - if someone really likes you, they can be as different from you as chalk is from cheese, but they will still be a good friend for you.

I once worked in an office, where I wasn't very happy. I fnally left rather abruptly. I went round and said goodbye to everyone, and it was a pretty cold experience, as I obviously hadn't fitted in there. But one person, an older lady and quite senior, actually cried as I was leaving. Only later did I remember our conversations and realise that she had been my friend all along. It's a funny old world.

So again, maybe it's just noticing that matters.

Cheers , Myzen

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Seeking --

I believe that there is research available about the successful ingredients for a relationship. If you are "shopping," you might want to look into it. I'd avoid the "Cosmo" and "Glamour" magazine articles, which can distort the research, even while citing it.

I also think you are wise to think about this. Sometimes people get so caught up in the dizzy rush of "falling in love," which is mostly a pheromone rush, that they forget about the long-term factors that ensure compatibility. Our culture idealizes *romantic love."* And we have one of the highest divorce rates in the world.

Sometimes the person who will make a good life partner is not the one who sweeps us off our feet. "Slow and steady wins the race" as the old saying goes.

The idealization is a recent development, and is culture bound. Families who chose the spouse, to better the family's position in society or to make a familial alliance, still prevails in some countries and cultures.

The idealization of romantic love is especially strong in pop culture. During the period last year immeiately after end of long term relationship, I could not listen to popular radio because all the tunes are about falling in love with some idealized partner. And country rock is about breaking up with the idealized love partner.

Read Marianne Williamson for an interesting spiritual perspective on loving relationships. She has 2 titles out, but I can't think of them right now.

[shaddix]

a relationship is born from the two people that create it, analyze the people not the relationship, If the people have good concepts of love how a loving relationship works then the relationship will be healthy and allow the two people to accompany each other in personal growth.

[Junerain]

I would pay attention to body language, how you are spending time together doing what, what you are talking about, what you aren't talking about, how you feel, how the other person feels, the down time and the up time, each person's family, each person's friends.