New Relationship

Okay, my coworker and I are completely in love, and i'm incredibly excited about it. We just mesh in a way that I never have with anyone before. She's one of only a couple people in my life that I can be myself around.

Problem:

I seem to be obsessed with her. Every time i'm with her, it's like heaven, but as soon as she leaves, there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me it's too good to be true. That either she doesn't feel the way she says she does, or there's something wrong with her that I don't know yet.

Plus, when we can't spend a night together, i'm just depressed as heck because I can't be with her. There's other reasons I feel obsessed too.

I just don't want to ruin this, because I think she could be the one. Things would be perfect if I was comfortable spending time by myself, and was secure enough to realize that she doesn't lie, and says what she means. And she says she's madly in love with me.

Rambling, I know. Basically, I need to learn how to de-obsess so i'm not miserable when she's not around and so I don't drive her away.

Ohh Jeff, I think you are thinking way too much right now.
I felt the same way about my hubby when I met him, more than 8 years ago. But relax and go wiht the flow, don't worry about big things.
Think that when you miss her is good, becuase you'll enjoy it more when you see her next.
~best of luck to you~

Thinking way too much has always been a problem. Well, negative thinking at least. Usually, I envision the worst so I won't be surprised when it happens. Not smart, I know.

Is there a button to shut off the brain?

Hello..... and ((( hugs )))

Might I suggest that you look into your self and see at what your own heart wounds may have been in the past (old g/f, family, friends, ect..) and see if what you are feeling is not so much about this relationship, but rather resonations coming from old wounds that have really never healed?


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

You are perfectly ok and normal. what you have described is called being in love. Lots of people ask - what is love? and what is being in love like?

you now know what love is and what it is like to be in love. -

its wanting to be with some one, caring about someone and feeling good when with a person and feeling absolutely miserable without that person.

Relax and enjoy your time together

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Rhapsody said:
Might I suggest that you look into your self and see at what your own heart wounds may have been in the past (old g/f, family, friends, ect..) and see if what you are feeling is not so much about this relationship, but rather resonations coming from old wounds that have really never healed?

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Rhapsody,

You're completely right. The feelings that i'm having as far as too good to be true, etc., have nothing to do specifically with her, other than she's just too fantastic for me. They're all about self esteem issues i've had for a long time. Definitely old wounds trying to get me

Thanks!

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myself said:
You are perfectly ok and normal. what you have described is called being in love. Lots of people ask - what is love? and what is being in love like?

you now know what love is and what it is like to be in love. -

its wanting to be with some one, caring about someone and feeling good when with a person and feeling absolutely miserable without that person.

Relax and enjoy your time together

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Being in love is a lot of work, and way too consuming!

It's positively amazing when we can spend time together, but with her schedule with her kids, and mine with my son, we don't get to spend much time just the two of us. When we do though, there's nothing better.

Oh jeff, I wish there was a "shutting off" device; if that was the case, I'd be asleep most of the day, lolol
Just enjoy hon!

The positive thing jeff is that you asre spending time together > The feelings that you have are normal ..

Think of things in a positive way like this -- Darn I have a flat tire but the other 3 three are still good-- In every negative there is a positive and if ya know math a negative times a negative makes a positive -- well we hope lol

Good Luck

Tymber

Being in love is a wonderful thing, a feeling that consumes your every move and thought.
I know you were unhappily married, however, and deprived of these feelings for a long time. This may be why you feel you're obsessing right now, and have fears of whether or not it's real.
I recommend trying to relax. Enjoy your time together and try calming yourself when you are alone. Recognizing you are obsessing is not a good feeling (believe me, I KNOW!!!). If you reveal this to her, you may scare her!
Patty

Well, I talked to my therapist today, and he put it in a little different perspective. Instead of "too good to be true," it is more that I have very low self esteem when it comes to relationships.

Last night for example. Everything is fine. She'd been running on lack of sleep, had drank some wine, and instead of us having sex which is what we were planning, she fell asleep.

In my past marriage, waking her up would NOT be a good thing, and would lead to a fight. So, i'm lying there, and my mind starts snowballing, what does this mean? Just brought me back to those type of thoughts.

I ended up sleeping on the couch, and had decided to just let her make all the moves in our relationship so I wouldn't have to deal with the rejection. All that from simply falling asleep.

Seems stupid now, but perfectly logical at the time. This morning, she said well just wake me up, because i'm up for it any time.

It just brought me back to my self doubt, self esteem issue, and actual resentment that was actually coming from my last relationship.

I need to work on realizing that I am worth it to her, that it was simply a miscommunication, and not make things bigger than they are.

So now, i'm at work freaking out that this is the end of our relationship, which is completely illogical.

I think I just need to let her know where i'm coming from, let her know that it was NOTHING she did wrong, it was simply a "button" that triggers my low self esteem, and see if she's willing to stick it out with me while I try to somehow fix my esteem issues.

Relationships are tough for me, and are probably the main trigger of any self esteem issues.

Doesn't help that she outclasses me in every way!

Sorry for the rambling, and possible TMI!

Really in a bad mood today. She gets her kids back today (week on, week off). I love her kids to death, but she wants to spend as much time with them by themselves (plus it doesn't help that I have my son, so one set of kids would have to hang out/sleep at the other's house) so for the next week I will see her rarely outside of work. Work doesn't count, because we have to be all professional and pretend it doesn't exist.

A week is forever.

I am just not good at being alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are my mortal enemy.

Plus, now her sister is complaining that she doesn't spend enough time with her, so i'm left with even less time. So, I invite her sister to come over with her, but she's 20 years old and completely needs to be the center of attention.

Life is just frustrating, and i'm having trouble seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

I refuse to preview this, so if it's incoherent, disregard

So, it's been 20 minutes, and my mood is worse. Doesn't bode well for the rest of the work day.

So basically I told her that I have conflicting emotions. On one hand, I love her dearly. Truly love her, and want the best for her. That tells me I should let her go so she can find someone not as screwed up as I am.

On the other hand, i'm a selfish prick, and I can't bear the thought of not being with her.

We'll see how that turns out. I have a feeling I should have stayed in bed today.

I'm talking to myself in here, but just to clear up something, she's not making me choose what to do.

When i'm depressed, I love her so much I feel like i'm holding her back from finding someone that's not crazy. She doesn't think i'm crazy, and says she's in with both feet, and loves me more than she's ever loved anyone.

It's just tough though, because I want to lean on my best friend, and not lean on her, so I don't end up pushing her away. Problem is, she IS my best friend, so i'm kinda screwed

ya know jeff.....i think this relationship is going to work out just fine....just keep the lines of communication open......sounds like you two may have a real good thing here...

Thanks Julia!

Hey, new twist in the story.

My boss decided after a month of knowing about our relationship, that we are no longer allowed to see each other, or one of us has to quit! We've been completely professional, and it's a small company and everyone (except him it seems) is very happy for us.

We are the two most dedicated employees to this company, and my boss I considered a friend.

So, drama continues...

I had a friend and she and her husband had that problem of the company (it was rather large) making them quit (he was an executive). I was dating the boss so didn't have as much problem :-)

I like how you're giving your girlfriend "room" but I think you're overblaming your self esteem for problems when you merely have to "ask" her what she likes/wants and get to know her. It was thoughtful of you not to wake her, even though she says you may -- you didn't know that until afterwards! One shouldn't assume one relationship will be like another but I think you put too much emphasis on knowing your previous wife and being "afraid" you'll make this girlfriend angry. My husband had a little trouble with that too in spots; he was married before me. His ex-wife use to complain often that he wasn't making her happy (not his job to make her happy, that's her job) and didn't like some things, thought they were "dirty"/perverted (lingerie, which he likes :-) but we talked about things and he told me some of her reactions, etc. so in the future I was able to help him by supporting him and what he likes and erasing his feeling badly about those things. Being honest and talking things over is the best help and just seeing how your girlfriend reacts to things. Her reactions aren't about you, but about what she likes/dislikes so should be taken as information, not indications that what you like or think are "wrong" or bad.

I totally agree Perna! Since I posted that, a lot has happened, and we have had many heart to heart conversations about what she expects, I expect, and how I can fully express to her how i'm feeling without repercussions.

It's like night and day with my ex! I think i'll be good if I do do the exact opposite thing my ex would have wanted.

Since i'm higher up in the company, in more of a niche position, she has chosen to be the one to quit. She will be able to find a job with roughly the same pay with no trouble, and she frankly doesn't want to work for someone who would act the way our boss has acted.

We were planning on moving in together much later, but instead of splitting us up, my boss has moved the plan forward, and we have moved in together. Too soon? I can certainly see how some would think so. I personally would give advice to anyone asking me that it is too soon, so I completely understand.

Our kids get along great, we are able to communicate and are truly happy together, and it just seems weird to me to put an artificial brake simply for a time issue...especially since i've known her for over a year now.

In any case, i'll have to see how I handle working here after she leaves. I may just have to show one of our competitors how we've gone from 10th largest to the largest company in our industry in the 5 years i've worked here, where we were languishing for the 20 years the company has been around before. Okay, that's pride and spite talking, disregard.

Update, for anyone who cares.

Living together for a week, i've run into a problem of my own making. I've been living so long with my ex wife, and her reactions, mannerisms, attitude, etc. are all ingrained in my brain. When she doesn't talk to me, I know it means she's mad about something, etc. and I grew tired of trying to fix things.

Now, the problem. My girlfriend has some of the same mannerisms (we really all do), but they mean different things when she does them.

What do I do? It's so ingrained, that when my girlfriend doesn't talk to me, I automatically assume it's because she's mad, and i'm tired of running to try to fix things, so I pull away. Then she notices that, and not having been mad, wonders why I pull away. What I should do, is simply talk to her at the time instead of assuming.

So, to the point. I've got to realize this is an entirely different person, and just because an action is the same, it doesn't mean the thought or meaning was the same. Very hard to do.

We've talked it through, and she understands though. She has some of the same problems from her last relationship (not wanting to always be the "fixer"), so we're going to have to compromise.

If anyone actually made it through that, thanks for listening!

I'm leaving for Europe, pretty bummed because i'm going by myself for work, and there's just way too much stress in my life to just pick up and leave. Besides, my stress is in my head, so i'm carrying it on the plane with me. I'm missing my son already.

I'm kind of getting freaked...Panic disorder, et al.

Somebody say something!

(((((FNcrazy))))), i think is great that you guys talkd the thru, Keep an open comunication and if I may sugets, don't assumed, ask instead.
Best of luck~

UPDATE -

So, my girlfriend is now my fiance, and all of the initial troubles we ran into with communication took work, but we finally communicate on the same level. I'm madly in love with her, and am no longer insecure about how she feels. I know she's madly in love with me. We see a counselor together once a month or so, but it's less for fixing problems and more for figuring out how to make our already great relationship even better.

Biggest problem now. She had her two kids every other week, I have mine every other 3 days. Now, she's got hers all the time. It's hard to handle a household with constant noise and chaos. Her sister lives with us and watches the kids during the day, but at night, when we'd like to have time to ourselves, she's understandably worn out from watching them all day. Oh well, it's so much better than when I was worried about the foundation of our relationship, and whether I moved too soon from my ex-wife!

Just thought I would post a followup!

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FNCrazy said:
Hey, new twist in the story.

My boss decided after a month of knowing about our relationship, that we are no longer allowed to see each other, or one of us has to quit! We've been completely professional, and it's a small company and everyone (except him it seems) is very happy for us.

We are the two most dedicated employees to this company, and my boss I considered a friend.

So, drama continues...

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Forgot to update this. My boss had her train 5 possible replacements, couldn't find anyone that could do nearly the job that she does, so he reluctantly "allowed" her to stay. Since then, my position of being #2 in the company has slid to the point where there are trust issues, etc., although the things that I do, he readily acknowledges that he couldn't replace, he would just have to reorganize how his business runs.

So, pending final details being worked out, she and I are quitting our jobs and going to work for one of our competitors. This competitor wants us bad enough, that he is willing to allow us to set up a location where we are (since I can't move because of my son) and run all sales/customer service etc. through our office, and order fulfillment through theirs. In addition, we're looking at a bare minimum of a 25% raise, before commissions. On top of that, instead of driving 30 miles to work, we can walk to work!

The problem though, is that I feel their products aren't as good, and it's going to be tough to do what I do without changing a bunch of things around. In addition, my title will be CEO, so basically everything, good or bad, is now on my shoulders. At least it will be just her and I in the office, and we work so well together. Her strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa.

So, aside from possibly being Bipolar, and the stress of having 6 people depending on my abilities to turn around a competitor, things are looking up!