I don't have friends and am lonely...

Hi all,

New member here.

Anyways, the topic title is pretty self-explanatory. I have pretty much no friends and am constantly lonely. I'm 23 years old and should be enjoying my youth but rather, I’m upset all the time and feel like I have no one.

I wasn't always friendless. In school, I was in the 'popular group' and then I had some personal issues and started to use food as a sort of therapy. As I put on more and more weight, I started to become a different person and lost my self-esteem and confidence. I started losing contact with people because I became kind of boring and by the time school finished, I didn’t really keep in touch with anyone except one person.

When Uni started, I only found out news about the group through this one friend. She was pretty much my only connection to them. I mean, when we all went out as a group, we would talk and have fun but it’s not like we would call each other or do things alone. If I ever saw the others, it would only be because of that one friend.

After more and more time, people started to change and we drifted further apart. I did however, become closer to that one girl and we became sort of best friends. In my eyes anyway. We had tonnes in common and I felt we were like peas in a pod. However, I was often lonely back then too as sometimes, I’d be left out of outings. I’d find out about them later and cry. However, things with that one friend were generally good. She was fun and we had good times together.

A couple of years ago, I did her over pretty bad. I betrayed her in a big way and she never spoke to me again. I was destroyed. I don’t know why I did what I did. It was definitely not just one thing, but a mixture of things and emotions. Anyways, we haven’t spoken since.

For a while, I was deep in depression but then I just seemed to get out of it and felt a lot better. I got a job and started meeting people. I became much more outgoing in order to make new friends and was invited to things etc. I was often happy.

Thing is though, now I think those ‘friends’ I met at work are sick of me. They don’t really speak to me that much anymore and sometimes I find out that there were parties on that I wasn’t invited to and that they do things but don’t include me. And again, I get hurt. I don’t understand why this happens and why they get sick and tired with me? I’m a fun and outgoing person but it seems I can’t seem to really make and keep friends.
I don’t know what to do?

My weight issue has gotten MUCH worse since I’m often lonely and have no social life. I feel very self-conscious and get intimidated by people and situations a lot of the time. I have tried to work on my weight but I keep failing and it‘s so frustrating because I want to change so bad! I feel like I am in a really bad place in my life right now.

I have to mention that I do have one friend that I keep in regular contact with. She’s a good person but we don’t really mesh that well. We’re different in a lot of ways and like different things. I enjoy her company but NO way near as much as the other girl I was friends with before. We don’t really see that much of each other either. Maybe once every 2 weeks or so.

I still regret what I did to my friend and keep dwelling on it and it’s driving me nuts.

Also, I have problems with holding conversations sometimes. For example, sometimes I find I have nothing to say to the other person and then it gets awkward between us and I hate it.

I don’t know what to do. I’m in a bad situation and I need help.

Can someone please offer me advice in terms of making and keeping friends and possibly tell me what I could be doing wrong when I end up boring them?

Sorry for the HUGE amount I’ve written but I needed to explain it all and get it off my chest. I hope someone has some advice for me!

Thanks.
Vanessa

Hello laquina99, and welcome to PC!

I think we all go through that stage where we are at a different place in our life than our friends. Sometimes we reach a stage where there is common ground again and we reconnect.

I don’t have a great deal of friends, but a few very good ones. When my best friend is here silence is not awkward at all.

Are you still at Uni? If so, is there a club on campus that you are interested in? If so join that. Do you work? Any connections with co-workers? If you do not work, volunteer somewhere that means something to you, hospital, disabled children etc. You’re likely to meet people there that has similar interests as you.

Hi Laquina.

I just want to send you hundreds of hugs!!!! I'm not very good with the on-line symbols, but I think it goes something like this {{{{Laquina}}}} Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!

I just wanted to let you know that I've been there. I could have written your post myself. Just to sum up my own situation in "micro-sentences": Been depressed most of my life. Recently diagnosed. Used to have lots of friends. Lost all friends from high school and uni. Couldn't control mood swings. Was mean a lot. Overwhelmed by guilt. Ashamed of self. Gained over 100 pounds in last 10 years. LOW self-esteem. Still can't always control mood swings. Almost impossible to keep friends. Almost every 'friend' since graduating from uni 5 years ago is from work. Sometimes invite me, often leave me out. Always find out. Feel hopeless, defective, guilty, worthless sometimes.

There. I hope that made sense. Anyway, the point of my post isn't to make you feel worse. It's to reassure you that I, and I'm sure many others on this board, can understand how you feel.

As for advice, all I can say is to go to therapy. I've shared all the above feelings with a psychiatrist and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Why? Because I was taught that my symptoms (ie. self-hatred, pessimism, etc...) were consistent with a treatable illness, not evidence of an inherently flawed individual. Secondly, therapy can help you identify and correct patterns of thinking and/or behaviour that may be leading to some of the interpersonal issues you mentioned. Of course, therapy is a process, so it will take some time to adjust to your new insight and coping skills.

If anything else, I recommend getting involved in whatever you can. Take some classes, join a book club, volunteer. Don't be afraid to invite someone out for coffee after work.

As for how to hold a conversation, I try to ask the person something about them, or I ask for their advice. It could be something like: "My parents' anniversary is coming up soon. I was thinking of taking them out for dinner. Any ideas?" Look for follow-up questions and make sure to ask open-ended questions-- it forces people to give a longer answer than just yes/no questions.

To sum everything up, just remember to give yourself permission to make mistakes. Remind yourself that you are on a path to healing and there WILL be bumps in the road.

If you want to talk some more, don't hesitate to PM me.

Good luck!

I also started to isolate myself when I got into a bad depression & I just couldn't relate to people anymore. I always wanted to cry & thought negative thoughts & they were going out to lunch & shopping. I could cry at inappropriate times & embarrass myself.

I also gained weight as I stayed home & soothed myself with food & then became more depressed & isolated myself more due to the shame of how I looked.

I also would recommend individual therapy, group therapy if possible as well (I attend a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group). I also attend a support group through the local mental health assoc. for people who have depression, bipolar or anxiety. We can talk about our difficulties, get feedback, brainstorm & practice our "social skills." I've made some good friends there who understand when I stuggle with communicating or get embarrassed.

I've also MADE myself be around people to work on my social skills. When I find myself isolating too much I'll go to a coffee shop with a book just to be around other humans. I sign up for classes like knitting, am in a book club at the local library, take computer & exercise classes, anything that is interesting to me & puts me in contact with people. It is easier to talk to people when the focus is not just on you & the other person.

You can talk about the stitches you dropped (knitting) or the book & why you liked it or didn't, discuss the stuff you are learning, etc. Then you just gradually get into talking about more personal stuff. I, too, have done some incredibly stupid things to blow relationships out of the water. I just have to forgive myself for not having the skills at that time to keep a relationship in good working order.

I'm learning skills to communicate more effectively in my DBT group & my support group as well & through reading. I'm also learning I have to figure out what my core values are, what my beliefs are & to get some self respect so I'm not walking around feeling like I have to apologize for being alive.

Learning to like yourself & having things you enjoy doing when you are alone helps, too. I like to read, write, knit...

Also, I am taking a diabetic educ./weight loss & nutrition class at the local hospital as my weight gain has now caused me to have high blood pressure & cholesterol & pushed me into the blood sugar range of diabetes. Both my parents were diabetic & I don't want to add another condition to my list & more meds to my "rap sheet." So I'm also investigating a yoga class (for help in stress reduction as I'm a highly anxious person) & then one to help with weight loss to hopefully get the blood sugar levels down.

Now who is writing the long post?? Try some of the ideas of the others & maybe some of mine & report back. I don't have a huge amount of friends, but I find the ones who do share my values, are comfortable with my dx of bipolar (2 of them are bipolar as well--from my support group), 2 are therapists (!) that I do volunteer work with in the local jail (I assist them in a support group for the women there). I will never be a "lady who lunches" but I do prefer my involvement in volunteer work in mental health organizations, my very part-time job at a tennis club, my book club, etc. They are satisfying to me & I do like my alone time.--Suzy

Most of what you have written I could have written myself! I think you did a good thing in joining this site, as I've found a few people to talk to.

Like you, I was not always friendless. This seemed to happen over a period of time. Now I feel I don't have any "real" friends except my boyfriend, whom I love dearly and feel more comfortable with than with any guy in the past. But I need more than that. The people I thought were my "friends" were always "busy" when the chips were down, when I was in need. Their true colors showed, and they're not pretty.

One "friend" I knew over 15 years suddenly decided not to talk to me anymore. I did nothing to her. If I did, I was never informed of it! One day she just ignored my phone message, then my e-mail. I attempted a snail--mail too. Nothing. Because I needed closure, I sent a second e-mail. I finally get a response that said she's still alive and well, but she's not talking to a lot people now. She said, "My life has changed a lot and old things drift apart. There is no reason. The only things that last forever are marriage and family. " Whose life hasn't changed? "Old things"? That's what 15 years was?! And how about divorces? Marriages don't last "forever" all the time.
NO goodbye, no nice knowing you all these years and good luck with your life.

Another person asked me to be a witness in a court case. She knew she was asking a lot of me, and I was willing to do it, thinking she was a good friend and I wanted to be one to her. Once the case was settled, and she got a new full time job (as I was still out of work), she no longer had time for me. I always had to call HER, she did not call me. I decided it was one sided and no longer call.

Then there was someone who I thought would be a new friend. She even suggested meeting for lunch or shopping sometime. When I called her on it, we made tentative plans. Then she cancelled. I attempted a couple more times to reschedule it, but she gave me the run around too. I decided the ball's in her court.

Around my time my 15 yr. old friendship died, I was depressed for weeks. That was painful and cold, the way she went about it. A few days later I joined online dating site and met my current boyfriend.

Now I joined this site to interact with other people and to make new friends I hope. Even though it is annonymous, it is still interaction and I've found it to be better than none. Like you, I had gotten too isolated. I live alone, do not have a close family, the turnover of neighbors in my building is VERY high, and my "friends" turn out to be anything but.

I agree with other members who said not to isolate yourself. It'll be more lonely. Volunteering is a good idea, as it will get you out and around people, even if these are casual acquaintances and not close ones. I do a little volunteering myself, and since I'm out of work, it gives me SOME contact with humanity. Even saying a simple "Good Morning" to a neighbor or a customer in a store witll give me a feeling of connecting with humanity, even if briefly.

This site also has a forum for stuff you enjoy, like a book, a TV show, etc. That could be uplifting too. I also joined a beauty website where I can talk about cosmetics with other women. I've really missed that "girl talk", and as you see from above, there are no women friends in my life (face to face friends).

Exercise helps work off that stress and feeling of frustration. You don't have to go to a gym. A walk around your neighborhood, if it's relatively safe, will get your blood going and calories burning!

Like you I gained weight for using food as comfort for feeling so deserted. I ate mostly candy. Now I'm trying to lose 10 lbs.

If you can afford a therapist, that may help. Mine has helped me tremendously.

If you're in a position where you can get a pet, they'll be a great boost. They love you unconditionally.

Whew, I needed to get THAT off my chest. If you need to vent more, you can PM me. Hugs.

Just wanted to say-- you're not alone... I'm feeling like this a lot, too. Of course, everything about my situation is not the same as yours but I know what it's like to feel that way.

Good luck with everything.

I don't have friends and am not lonely. Kinda weird, I know. However, I do have 2 kids that I put my all into, so thank goodness for that!

I can relate to this in a few ways and I really wish I could give you great advice, but I'm in a similar situation. I just want you to know that you can always come here when you're lonely and down. I know it's not the same, but there's always support.

(((laquina99))) I wish you all the best. You're never alone here