Loseing Everything

Hi,

I here trying to get some advice. My spouse told me 2 months ago that he was depressed and needs some time to himself. He left for three days and came back saying he wanted to stay with me. Now he says he is emotionally numb and has no feeling what so ever. He's leaving again saying that he really tryed to fix our relationship and has no idea what he wants out of life. I would feel better if he was at least leaving with full intentions of coming back, but he says he doesn't know to everything I've asked. Am I just supposed to wait around hoping he decides to want me or should I just move on?

The last thing I want to do is move on. I've put 6 years into this relationship and now everything is just falling apart. I tryed to be as emotionally supporting as possible, but he says our current arragement just makes him feel guilty for not being there for me. Any advice on how to handle this?

Im kind of going through a similar situation. you can read " Help getting my wife back".

But I wouldnt say give up on him if you raelly love him, but let him figure out what he wants. Maybe start small and rebuild your relationship. Start with dates and stuff.

Start talking. There is obviously something missing, you need to find out what it is taht is missing and try to bring it back.

The problem with today's society is people just run away and divorce is always the easy answer. I guess Im old fashion and think you shoudl do everything you can to work on the problems together. And Im realizing more and more each day what it really takes to make a marriage work.
I myself just need a chance with my wife for her to see that I want it to be different, but I want her to work together with me instead of running away.

Falling Apart, is your husband getting any kind of help? He needs to see a Pdoc that will know what to prescribe for him. Therapy is also very important.

I wouldn't give up so easily, either. My husband also has depression that he gives into. I have it, but I've received treatment and am on anti-depressants. I can say I have mine pretty well under control.

Best to you.

Unfortunately he realizes he has a problem but refuses to seek help from a therapist or doctor. It like sometimes he acts that he can get through this on his own, and sometimes he says things like it may never change. He feels very strongly about not being on any type of mood altering meds. I talked him into taking some St. John's Wort, but he took it for less than a week and stopped.

Thank you for the reply.

Thank you for the reply. After the first time that he left for 3 days he came back and said he wanted to try to work things out. For about a month we did the casual dates and trying to build a relationship back. I thought it was getting better, but last night he said it wasn't. He said he hated staying in our house, that it just made him feel guilty for not feeling what he should feel. I don't know. . .

The last thing I want to do is move on. I've put 6 years into this relationship and now everything is just falling apart. I tryed to be as emotionally supporting as possible, but he says our current arragement just makes him feel guilty for not being there for me. Any advice on how to handle this?[/QUOTE]

I don't know anything about your situation other than what you've said here, but I do know men sometimes need to figure things out on their own. I'm not a big fan of therapy, I've had some good experiences but not with couples counseling. I'm not a fan of meds either. That doesn't mean their is no hope. You sound like you really love him and want this to work. I think, the best thing you can do now is to say something like you know he needs to figure things out on his own, and he needs you give him space to do that. Tell him you respect that ("women want to be cherished, men want to be respected" I read that somewhere) and you'll be there when he's ready. But not to take too long because you don't want to be left hanging. Hopefully all he needs is a little space and the permission from you to have it. Like I said, I don't know what his issue is, so I hope this helps a little. Having a good attitude about it helps. I also read "what one person represses, the other expresses" that as a couple we become like a glass of water with a separation down the middle with enough room at the bottom for water to flow from side to side. When one person is repressing their feelings, it's like he's pushing down his side of the water and it makes yours (feelings) rise up to the top.

Dr. Stosny has a blog on Psychology Today. You can google it. He's been on Oprah and he teaches compassion in relationships. He's not one of those break up and move on type of T's when the going gets tough.

Best wishes!!

That describes what happens to us perfectly. The more he closes up the more worried I become. I'm dieing to try and talk it out, but he doesn't have anything to say. What you say makes sense. I just really wish that he could at least tell me that he wants to be with me, or that he will do everything possible to work things out between us. He just shrugs or says I don't know to literally everything I ask him about us. He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said anything about staying. I just feel like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop and my heart is breaking into pieces.

He hasn't left yet, but he hasn't said anything about staying. I just feel like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop and my heart is breaking into pieces.[/QUOTE]

I've been there! The hardest thing to do is relax, calm down and not worry. Sounds like you are a lot of the control in the relationship and he has all of it.
Sounds to me like you could use some of it back. Have you considered how just this one aspect is effecting you? I know you are ready to explode probably and scrambling for something you can do to save it. Maybe the best thing to do is start looking at it from your angle and deciding that if he is in limbo still, what steps you might want to take. What kind of relationship is he providing for you currently? How much are you really able to give to a situation like that? You need to take care of you right now until he knows what he wants. No attitude, you can still say nice things, but at least this way you will take the edge off, release some of the pressure. Be kind and loving but assertive. Letting him know you are ready, willing and able and reassure him that youre life would be so much more with him in it than without. But you can take a small step back and give him space. Guys like that, they process quicker when they don't have to worry about hurting us in the process. But be firm and tell him what you expect. A timeframe maybe or more clarity at some point. Maybe set a check in time with him and let it go until then, just have fun and enjoy and be grateful for what is working in the relationship and in your life.

Btw, how long has he been undecided for?

Saturday is when he told me that he was still unhappy in our home. It had been about a month since the first time he told me that he was unhappy and needed some space. I've tried asking him what about our home or situation makes him feel so bad and again I get I don't know.

What really worries me is he's not sure what he wants, he just doesn't know. I'll ask him if he even wants to be with me anymore and just says I don't know. He says he is emotionally numb and just doesn't know anything anymore. When he first left for 3 days at least then he told me that he did want to be me, he just needed to work through this.

Since Saturday things have kind of fallen back into our old routine and I don't want to get comfortable thinking he is okay when he is not. Our relationship has been on the back burner for a while. I know that he needs to figure things out for himself before we can try to start fixing things between us. I'm trying to be supportive and positive but it's driving me crazy that he doesn't even know if he wants to be in this relationship with me. I'm willing to do almost anything to try to save our relationship and it just feels like he is ready to throw it away. If he could just say that I don't make him happy and he wants to move on at least I would have closure and I could move on. That is last thing that I want but it is better than I have no idea if I still want you or not. Thank you for the advice. Just typing all this out is helping relieve alot of stress.

He could be thinking of leaving, but then again, it could be nothing and no sense in getting yourself all worked up either way. I know, easier said than done, believe me I KNOW LOL But I've learned through little things that came to pass that weren't as bad as I thought they were, to not stress about things before you need too. That way, if things work out, it's all goooood! and you didn't waste a lot of tears for nothing. If it doesn't work out, you are in a better place to deal with it. ((((((falling apart)))))

What happened in the months before this all came about?

The sad thing is I thought everything was fine before he told me a couple month ago that he was depressed. Last winter he mentioned that he had been feeling really down and didn't say anything else up until then. I just want to understand what he has to be depressed about . . . we have a beautiful, healthy 2 year old son . . . a nice house . . he has a good paying job. I know his job stresses him out sometimes but he says that it everything in general that has him depressed and won't go into any details.

I was pretty upset this morning when I woke up and he told me that he wanted to be with me. I want to believe that but a part of me just thinks he saying it just to make me happy. Last night he told me he was going to be home around 7, so I cooked supper and he didn't show up until about 10:30. I called him on his cell like 5 times and he never picked up. I called his work and they said he left at 6:30 . . . so he finally gets home and says he phone turned off because he battery was low so he didn't know I called. He says he just drove around for 3 hours because he was stressed out and didn't want to come home. I'm trying to believe him and be supported but it's stuff like that that just makes me want to scream and beat him with a stick.

Have you asked him if there is another party involved in all this "depression" and indecision on his part? I'd be wondering.
Patty

Yeah that was the first thing that came to mind when all this started. His response is that he can't even make me happy right now, what would be the point of trying to make two women happy. Which I suppose is either the truth or damn good lie. He is a good man beside what is going on, and I don't think he would do that to me.

I hope you are right, honey. If depression is the cause of this, then he should be seeking professional help.
Patty