[iamtwilight]

heh. the other night i started talking to my partner while we were waiting to fall asleep. stuff about how i think i have no purpose in life, i don't want to work, i don't know any work that interests me. he asked, maybe you'd just wanna lay in a hammock? nothing wrong with that and i said, sure, that'd be cool for a little while... then i talked about my dog and about how she gets bored because my parents don't take good enough care of her.

and then i said..
- ok, i'm talking crap that couldn't interest anyone, i'ma go to sleep
- it doesn't matter
- it does to me. i don't want to talk to someone who isn't interested in what i say.
- but.... it doesn't annoy me.
- well i don't wanna talk if it isn't interesting. nite.

in the night i decided i would never talk to him again. i would stay silent, never draw the attention to me. never again.

in the morning, i started analysing. all i could hear was the "it doesn't interest me" (that wasn't said) before the "but it doesn't annoy me".

interest. to me, that means interest in me. me, includes what i say, everything that is related to me, my dog, my mother, my father. if i was talking about, for example, my bladder stones (which i don't have yet), and he said he wasn't interested, i'd take it as he isn't interested in me.

don't ask why. i hardly know myself.

for him, interest means interest in a specific thing. my dog, as was the case in the conversation we had. he has seen my dog three times. how could she interest him? and that "but it doesn't annoy me" = that doesn't mean i don't want to hear it

being blind? crazy?

maybe, maybe. BUT at least it doesn't bother me anymore.

twilight

[myoasis89]

I think your bf cares about you....I'm going through the same thing...I don't feel I have a purpose in life...at least right now...Your bf just wants you to know he likes you for you and you don't have to change. He doesn't care if you don't have anything figured out at the moment...he just wants to be with you. My bf says the same thing...he'll support me in anything I want to do...I say..."I'm going to quit school and become a stripper" he was like "sure, but only for me" and I was like whatever "I won't get paid" I know he wants the best for me because he always pushes me to do well. I say I don't want to do homework...and he's like well you have to and that i have no choice....realise the love your bf has for you and start from there...he will be the rock you can lean on when you are lost

[iamtwilight]

((((oasis))))

thank you. it is exactly like you said - i told him about that conversation and that it kinda bothered me (i told everything i wrote here and more wow, proud of myself now), and he explained that he was tired and didn't have anything sensible to say so he didn't really think of what he said and didn't realise that it bothered me.

opening up is good. it's hard sometimes, but it's worth it. maybe it will not ease your pain right away, but eventually it will.

thanks for your reply. best of luck to you and your bf, he sounds like a wonderful person


twilight