[mary knightly]

I'm new to the forum. I need some help to move on in my life.

Two years ago my son was born with birth defects and had emergency surgery one day old. He stayed in intensive care for two weeks before we could take him home. It was an extremely traumatic time in my life and as a result suffered with post natal depression. I could not see it at the time and it took me four months to reach rock bottom before I sought help. I had a very sympathetic health visitor and with discussion with my GP decided to take anti depressants. My husband did try to be sympathetic, but I felt that I was last on his list of priorities. After a few months things seemed to improve and the most valuable thing I did was see a psychatrist for CBT therapy.

Six months later I went on holiday with my husband + family and another couple and their 2 kids. One night my friends husband and I stayed up drinking whilst everyone had gone to bed. He knew I had been suffering from depression and that night I felt a connection (maybe as a result of having someone pay me interest?). We had a (drunken) kiss and although he strongly indicated he wanted more we stopped. (not realising anti-depressants don't work when you drink I had been drinking a lot)

The problem is, it didn't stop there. I craved the attention he gave me and enjoyed the rush of excitment I had when he was near (nostalgia for the feeling I used to have with my husband). We texted each other constantly and met up whenever we could. I never intended to leave my husband, nor he his wife. Our affair lasted a few weeks.

Things ended when my husband found a text on my phone. I knew I had left it there being careless. Had I wanted him to find out? I never had sex with this married man, but I still was unfaithful to my husband.

My therapist felt this man had taken advantage of a situation, but I can't shake the feeling of guilt. My husband and I have worked hard together to rebuild our relationship (he admits he played some part in my actions by paying me little attention).

We moved away to create a new start. All my (mutual) friends turned their back on me and we lost contact. I admit it was a terrible mistake, but I'm left feeling bitter and angry. I want to move on, but I find it hard to forgive myself for what I did.

[darkness89]

Dear Friend Mary...I've been in your shoes. I had an affair on my husband about 4 years ago. I agree the hardest part has been forgiving myself. That feeling that came along with the affair was intoxicating....but in the long run bittersweet. We have survived through it and if anything it has made our marraige stronger. My husband was very forgiving and doesn't throw it in my face. Dealing with myself is hard because with my MI I don't have a lot of inner strength. I have had to tell myself that I am better for the painful growth that I went through and have to let myself go on.

[sarah milne]

Dear Mary,

I understand your need for forgiveness to move on, but it is only yourself now who holds the key. You mention your husband has shown a willingness to forgive you, but it is also important for you to do the same.

I'm guessing you have a low self esteem which requires you to seek absolution from strangers. If you had negative a response on the forum would it have made a difference to you? Were you wanting to hear that we are all human and make mistakes?

Focus on the fact that you must mean a lot to your husband for him to want to make your relationship work. If you learn to love yourself then perhaps the need for other peoples approval will diminish. Perhaps the affair made you feel special? We all have our insecurities, but by loving yourself you can give yourself the opportunity to move forward.