Boyfriend has been unstable for a loooog time

I don't know how to help or if I should. This is my first long relationship, I lack a lot of answers.

He and I have been together for a couple of years and he was only financially stable for the first little while. He quit his job and invested his time to a career he knows only a small percentage of people can make a living at. He was financially relying on another person at that time to pay ALL of his bills. Then...I took over the bills, nothing ever changed for him and he went from one idea to another. They were fine ideas, but he never stuck with one and he seemed a little delusional at times.

I took a few months away from him and at that time he relied on his ex-girlfriend for financial help, which included letting her move in with him, which allowed her to indulge in the idea that they would get back together.

He and I started to try to have something again, which meant that took over the rent payment (for a place I wasn't living) and she moved out. After a few months I realized it was hurting me financially far too much to do this. I stopped paying it, he didn't rely/couldn't rely on the ex for the money (she continues to pay his car insurance and cell phone bill to this day), he fell behind on rent and is being kicked out. He now feels that his only option is to live with me.

I have two jobs, one is as a live-in health aide. He would be staying IN someone else's home with me. Eating someone else's food, etc. etc. I think it's a bad idea, I feel like I need my own space and it would be too frustrating to deal with him, my job, my other job, school work, and trying to relax.

I know this isn't his ideal, I just wish he was a more realistic person. He never sees just how nutty he can be. He thought that if he could stretch the rent problem another month that he could go to a writer's conference, get a deal, and *bam*! magic, everything is solved. He has written a little bit before, never a book. He had a poem published once in high school I believe. He just started writing a book less than a month ago.

Am I tragically drawn to an unstable man?

Would it be wise to let him move in only with the mutual understanding that he is to get a paying job, stick with it, and move out in three to four weeks?

**also he just called me and will be asking his father for a temporary loan. He doesn't know if his dad will do it. My boyfriend is 29 years old with a bachelors in psychology...*

My strong suggestion: don't let him move in. Please don't.

You need and deserve your own space and life. You can be a great role model to him by doing so.

He needs to get financially stable. If that means he needs to crash on someone's couch (not yours) and work away at a low wage job - so be it. He needs to build himself up.

You deserve an adult boyfriend who can take care of himself. Maybe eventually he can do this, maybe not.

He also needs to untangle completely from his ex. That is if he wants to be in a full adult relationship with you.

He needs a job, he needs to find a job and keep it. If there are other things going on mental health wise then he needs to go through the experience of not succeeding in the work place, being properly diagnosed, and then maybe apply for something like SSI.

Unfortunately if you let him move in you are sacrificing yourself and not helping him any at all in the long run. And once a person moves in it can be difficult to get them to move out, no matter what they say initially.

I really feel for you in this situation and wish you well, sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know what is best.

It seems to me like you've done enough for him already. It's time for him to accept responsibility for his life and move forward on his own for once. I think letting him move in would be a bad idea. I understand that everyone has hard times and needs help sometimes, but we can't rely on other people all our lives, ya know?

At this point I don't think it is tragic DontSayIt...but I think it could very well be..especially for him...

There is a fine line between loving aid and enabeling...He has seemed to get folks to support his dreams as children do...The sooner he begins to support himself the better he will feel about himself and the more sincere his effection for you or another will be...right now that effection seems based upon what usefullness anyone is to him..

BTW,,,a great short story would be based upon how he found a way to "grow up"...

With care,

Lenny

I agree with MP and also with Lenny here. I have some more thoughts on this too.

It could be said that your boyfriend is looking for a sugar mama, a patron. You cannot be that for him and that is okay.

Money is tight and there aren't probably any helpful patrons available for a beginning writer. A sugar mama might be a different story but they are going to expect something back from him in return, and this is something he needs to go through on his own, if he is headed that direction.

You can't be his sugar mama or patron, you don't want to be. You want to be in a relationship with an adult man who has his own money.

He could choose to see his challenges as a hero quest, he is the hero in his own story, he can learn how to master adult skills. That would indeed be a great story.

If relationships to him are ultimately bottom line about how useful a person can be to him, how well they financially support and coddle him - this is something you want to steer clear of.

Thanks everyone, I sincerely appreciate the honesty. I've been hanging on to a thread with him and waiting for his "situation" to improve.

Well, his parents will be giving him the money that he needs. He'll be okay for a very short while and when it runs out and *if* his latest dream doesn't work, then I'll once again encourage him to get a job. I already pushed for that earlier today.

Sometimes I feel like I've worked too hard to be with him to give up. Aid and enabling....

One of my employers thought my boyfriend was a bit of a "drifter," meaning that he had sooo many ideas and no focus. She said she just wouldn't want me to get caught up in that. It's scary, I've always had bad taste in men.

Can I be totally honest about his career prospects?

When you said that "He quit his job and invested his time to a career he knows only a small percentage of people can make a living at," you weren't specific, but immediately I knew you were talking about writing...later on in your post you confirmed my suspicions.

It seems like a lot of folks these days cling to this fanciful dream of being a writer. But you know what? I was a freelance writer for a short time, in between having a full-time job and going back to school. And let me tell you, I can tell just by your description of your boyfriend that he's not going to make it.

I worked hours a day on lousy assignments and got paid peanuts. I plugged away at short stories but never got one published. You know how hard it is to get a short story or a novel published? Just think about how few people read short story magazines (next to none) and novels (only bestsellers mostly)...now, think about how well such an unsuccessful industry pays. In case you haven't guessed it, the answer is: not much.

I knew some guys who were making a living solely off of writing, and it is hard, hard work. I can't stress that enough. It's hours of toil and little reward. And most people simply aren't good enough to make it...a sobering fact, but a true one.

Okay, I think I've made my point. The thing is, if your 29-year old boyfriend still harbours these boyhood dreams, he has to wake up fast. It doesn't mean he has to be miserable...I transferred my love for writing into what will hopefully be a successful career in academia (I'm still working hours and hours, but even my scholarship money pays better than freelancing). All your other problems with him aside, this is an issue that needs addressing.

Don't mean to be blunt, just want to spell things out clearly.

[quote=digdug;841846]Can I be totally honest about his career prospects?

When you said that "He quit his job and invested his time to a career he knows only a small percentage of people can make a living at," you weren't specific, but immediately I knew you were talking about writing...later on in your post you confirmed my suspicions.

Thanks for a realistic perspective, it's refreshing. His idea just became writing, it's been painting, canvas stretching, frame building, home-based mycology, and that's all I remember at this point. There have been a lot of problems with every idea. He tends to lie to himself about what the outcome will be, blame others when it doesn't work, waste time with people who can't help him (but he thinks they can,) and move on to something else, never fully committ to one idea, and he hasn't been willing to work and support his ideas like ALL the other artists do in this town.

I won't let myself get sucked into his delusions any longer. I won't let him think that I believe them either. I wanted to be supportive, but when will this ever end???

It will end for you when you decide to end it...

It will end for him when no one continues to support his childhood.

IMHO.

Lenny

No problem. I'm glad my bluntness didn't offend you.

This is just something I feel pretty strongly about. Society tends to encourage us to "follow our dreams" without giving serious pause as to what kind of work those dreams will entail. You seem to know what I'm talking about, if you know other artists around town.

Some people think that my school work is easy because all I do is write papers. They have no idea about all the agonizing research and thought that goes into them. Maybe that's why I get so worked up about this sort of thing, lol.

Anyway, it sounds like you know what you should do, but that it's a matter of actually doing the right thing. We've all been there. Good luck to you!

I'm going to stick around through it, encourage him to be independent, and not allow him to rely on me financially. If that one day ends our relationship, than that has to happen. I do deserve a partner who is responsible, independent, and at some level of satisfaction in their life. I know

Thanks to everyone for the time and thoughts!

As someone who has been where you are I am truely sorry that you are going through this! I beg that you make your happiness your choice! You have stated that you have been with him for a while...I did the same! I kept dreaming and thinking and hoping that he would change, he did not! After 20 years...he is still the same person! Now that does not mean that your mate will not and cannot change, but it does mean that you cannot change him.....

You do deserve a responsible, indepeNdent, pardner that you can LOVE AND RESPECTAND WHO LOVES AND RESPECTS YOU but it appears that he does not and that he is looking for someone to take care of him! Do yourself a favor, take care of yourself and move on because if you don't you will find that you have wasted your youth on A DREAM because he is showing you over and over and over again, WHO HE REALLY IS! You weren't there to take care ofhim so he found someone else who would....that is what it is about for him!

TJ