[curley]

I am sure this question has been asked. But I have never been privy to the answer, if there is one.
Men, if you meet someone you really like, get along with, laugh with, have great sex with, why would you be so stuck on "not wanting a committed relationship" Especially if you are not the type of man who goes out with his friends all the time or does much of anything but stay home or watch sports.
What if anything can a girl who is on the other side of this equation do to get any kind of commitment. I am not asking for a ring or a life time. Just to know that there will not be other women dating my guy! (or the man I want to be my guy)! I would appreicate the men's honest feedback! Please

[Malachite]

Dear Curley,

Monogamous relationships, are best when they exist without formality. You enjoy each others presence, and pleasures, in the present, without pressure of a contract.

Once, you formally commit to each other, you are engaging in a contract, putting constraints on the future. The two of you, are conceding a liberty, you both once had. Regardless, if one would ever exercise this liberty, there is a sense of loss. Some of the excitement of living in the present is lost, and replaced with a duty to the future. This may be particularly hard, on someone, with atypical, mood-reactive depression.

Commit to your man, tell him you are his exclusively, and unconditionally. Tell him, he may have any other woman he wants, any time he wants. Reject, any reciprocity on his part. Most important, please, be sure you mean it. You can't make others commit to you. You can commit to them. The security you seek, will be a function of your commitment.

Your unconditional commitment, is far more powerful, than any verbal contract for maintaining a monogamous relationship. Please bear in mind, your unconditional commitment, is yours to rescind at will.

I wish you the best,

Larry

[bebop]

what kind of committment are you seeking exactly?

[nowheretorun]

imo the secret to a successful and dynamic relationship depends upon several factors... discovering each other is an enriching process where two souls are concerned... patience, love and safety for selves and the other will determine the pace of the typical mile-markers we look for (first eye contact, first smile, first handhold, first embrace)

for a relationship to really work personal honor for self and other really matters.. feelings of security, trust, companionship, etc. take time to nurture in a safe way for each...

setting safe and respected boundaries are key.. start off on the right foot.. be true to yourself always and allow your mate the same.... follow simple rules like 'never go to bed angry' .. this will compel each to settle differences before the end of the day and allows the next day to begin less stressfully.... let each other feel and express.. mostly, dont bully each other and you should be fine .. the commitment will take place when the time is right for you both.. hope this helps some..

[Musashi]

What does he see the relationship as?

You can't do anything to force a commitment, you can only give your love.

Maybe he really just doesn't want a committed relationship. He may have been hurt before or any of a million reasons. Even committing to being exclusive can a big step. If he's not ready, he's not ready.

You know better than any of us what your relationship is like. He may never commit. He may. Who knows? But if this is something that is extremely hurtful to you, you would have to let him know and possibly have to end the relationship.

But from what you posted, it seems like you feel it's a relationship that may go somewhere and it just may take time. Sometimes it's all about communication. You can talk, just be open and don't force it.

[digdug]

Perhaps he has a negative conception of commitment, even if he has no intention of straying. There is a lot of pressure on guys in their 20s to not commit to anything, be it a relationship, career, whatever. It's a favourite subject of sociologists these days.

Even if your boyfriend doesn't overtly act out, he's probably absorbed a lot of ideas about how guys "should" behave...in fact, if he watches a lot of sports, that's practically a guarantee, given the advertising beer and car companies use these days.

I would advise trying to get him to open up in as low-pressure a way as possible. It doesn't sound like he's at risk to cheat, so take things slow and try to understand why he's so non-committal.

[Direction]

As much as it pains me to say it...I don't think I could marry again ...pains me...I believed in marraige...and committment

Larry's words ring in my mind...

I've been hurt...and through the financial devastiation of a divorce...

as for committment ... I would be with only one person... I would want to maintain my own home...so I have a safety net... I'm scared ...so scared...time does heal wounds...though the scars are just too visable...

This was not the person I was 5 years ago...I would have had a very different answer.

[Musashi]

Direction...
just as your answer now would be different than five years ago... well, in short I'd say that one of these days you will answer as you would have five years ago, more the wiser and more the merrier for having been pained but learning and growing from that unfortunate experience. That's my hope for you. Wish you all the luck with love in your future.

Curley...
I'd add that ever man is different (and to Direction, too). If he's the right man for you, you'll stay with him and the both of you will make it work. If not, we all know how painful it is to separate, but we've all been through it and we've all survived.