[shuis]

I don't know what to do. This time last year I was just starting to build a relationship with a guy I knew little about. I was scared. He was my first "real" boyfriend. I shared my first kiss with him, and later shared many other fun moments. We never had sex- but our relationship took us very close to that. He ended up leaving me. He broke up w/ me on voicemail with no reason. I asked him so many times to at least explain why and I had no idea what happened- never got any "closure". This happened in June- over 6 months ago!! I still can't get over it. He said he just wanted to be alone- and 2-3 months later, he found a new g/f. I was pissed. It's his own life, and I realize that- but I hate that he's so happy, and I am never going to get a boyfriend. I still don't know why he dated me to begin with. He ever told me in the message he's sorry he ever dated me to begin with- that it should have never happened. He said he'd still try to be friends w/ me- but he tries to control the way I'm supposed to be his friend. I only talk to him online now once in a while. I ask him how his day went- and it's like he tries to make me jealous. He tells me how wonderful it was and how his new girlfriend is the best thing ever and I will never be as mature as she ever will be. But then when I see him alone for a few moments when he sees me at work he acts differently. Like he really cares. I don't get it. And why do I still care so much? why is it so hard for me to get over? It's not like we slept together- so why is this such a big deal? It only lasted 6 months. He was never my type to begin with either. It hurts so bad. I'm not confident enough to feel that I deserve something better and I don't know how to get a boyfriend and it kills me.
I wish I could get over this obsession of what he does every minute of every day. I wish I could stop thinking "what is he doing now"
Yet it's so easy for me to avoid him when he comes into my place of work- I'm royally confused! Please Help!

[nothemama8]

First loves are the hardest to get over, be thankful you found out he can't commit to a realationship, YOU will find another, just take your time
Angie

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Shuis --

Welcome to the forums. First loves, second loves, all loves are hard to get over. Especially if a person has emotional depth.

Good for you for not taking the step of becoming physically intimate. After our "energetic bodies" intermingle, the bonds can become even stronger.

Some men like to keep another woman in one's face -- my ex-husband does this. I'm no psychiatrist, but I guess it feeds their egos in some way. Do you think he is putting you in the face of his new gf? Perhaps portraying you as this clinging X who just can't let him go to ramp up her interest? I mention this because this is the script that my X uses.

He keeps you jealous -- and he uses your jealousy and pain to show the new gf how desirable he is.

Perhaps a period of time when you stop emailing will help? As for work, I don't know what to say. It will take time until you see him as emotionally manipulative.

What he is doing may be passive-aggressive: other members who know more about psychology may chime in on this, as the thread develops.

Six months is not so long. It takes as long as it takes to recover. Please be gentle with yourself and protect your heart from him.

The forums are a great place to share what you are going through and to get support.

[JessF]

A voicemail break-up, sounds like he’s the immature one, Shuis.

This happened to me and the first girl I dated. We'd only gone out for a short while, when she dumped me and quickly found someone else. We tried the “friends” thing. It was hard to listen to her talk about her new b/f, in such favourable terms. We also worked together, so I saw her for at least 10 hours each weekend. Every once and a while she would do or say things to make me think I was once again in her favour, if only for a short while. It became a very addictive situation for me. I talked to a therapist at my school and he helped me realize that I wasn't going to get what I wanted from her, a loving relationship of any kind.

What's worse is I may have overlooked other relationship possibilities because my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of her. I wasted an entire year of my life thinking about someone not worth my time. Sounds like he's treating you much in the same way I was treated, whether he realizes it or not. DON’T LET HIM MAKE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF, OR BELITTLE YOU. No relationship of any kind is worth that.

This is a learning process. You’ll find that you have more to offer the next boy, AND THERE WILL BE A NEXT BOY.

A therapist was a great help to me. Talking to a therapist is the best advise I can give. And keep talking to the folks on this forum.

Best of luck, Jess

[shuis]

u are all wonderful!
Thank u for ur support. It's difficult; because I see everything u are all telling me- and know he's not worth my time- unfortunately, something in my head goes off and I'm once again sucked into his manipulative ways. Probably because all I was is to feel loved.

[Wants2Fly]

Of course, Shuis, everyone wants to feel love. Cats and dogs, children -- and grown-ups. That is why it is so hard to "get over" a love. We gave our hearts.

[JohnShaft]

I've been trying to get over my first love too. She dumped me in March and here in January it still hurts me. It was very hard, there were LITERALLY billboards of her around the city. It seemed like I could never get away from her.

We haven't seen each other in a long time. It hurts me so bad to see her, so I decided just to break everything off. We still care about each other and we'll never totally lose track, but I just can't have her in my life. I need to move on. Maybe someday we'll be friends again but that isn't today and it isn't going to be tomorrow either.

Don't worry too much. You seem like a strong person. It hurts but things will get better.