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#1
Nov 07, 2008, 07:22 PM
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Hello all,
This is the first time I've ever talked about this, so bear with me. My Husband and I have been together for 14 years and married 10 and we have 3 wonderful children. When I first met my husband he was in the military and I new that his family seemed to always be in an arguement. It's almost like they enjoy it. On the other hand, my family is sooooo not like that. We get along pretty good. Not to say that we are perfect, we have our issues, but all and all, we are a happy family. Well a few years after I had been married to him I started to see him changing. I thought it was because he was discharged from the military, and he missed it. He was having a hard time findind work. His moods were up and down. Now, to make a long story short, he is VERY short tempered. He will snap in no time. This morning I was leaving for work, and I woke him p so he can be awake for our two year old, and he said that I was nagging him and that I needed to stop, then started SCREAMING at me. Not a way I rally want to start my day, and I really don't want my kids to hear daddy screaming at mommy that way. I tried to quiet him, but I couldn't. Basically he said "If you are so tired of me then you know what to do" It killed me inside. Today has been misserable. I love him so much and he is hurting me so much. i know he loves me too, I know that sounds crazy, but I know he does. I have suggested to him to go to Anger Management, but he shoots the idea down. I really don't want to leave him, but I don't want my kids growing up listening to him yell at me, and I don't know how much more I can take. Any advise? Melissa |
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#2
Nov 09, 2008, 07:44 PM
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Hi, Melissa, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). Does your husband have any friends that you know/trust? Or maybe some guy in your family he likes/admires? Maybe another guy could see what's going on or help advise you.
It could just be the effects of having trouble finding a job; is he working very hard at that? It might be he'd be "better" once he gets one but doesn't sound great that he's screaming and not apologetic about it, etc.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#3
Nov 10, 2008, 01:23 PM
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Melissa,
My DH is the same as your husband...he has always had a temper, is quick to anger, and doesn't fight fair (he calls me names, blames me, etc.). He would also throw out the "if you don't like it you know what to do" card and would rarely acknowledge that he was out of line. He would later say that he was sorry, but if I wasn't so such-and-such, or if he wasn't so stressed, whatever...there was always an excuse. I have to disagree with the other poster that just because he is stressed from not finding a job doesn't give him the right to be mean or be so quick to anger. That's abusive and it rarely gets better on it's own, at least that's what I"ve been told. My DH lately has tried to be better, but it didn't happen by anything I did or said...he found out (through his ex) that his kids were upset by the way he was talking to me one day during one of his "episodes"...he felt awful and has since tried harder. I don't know if it will last, I've seen some signs of his old self...but we'll see. My advice is to let him know that you understand his anger and frustration and that it is ok for him to feel that way, but it is inappropriate for him to take it out on you and that his behavior is unacceptable. Every time he yells or screams or says something hurtful, call him on it right then and there, tell him how much it hurts you and that you will not tolerate it. Then walk away and don't engage until he is calm. I would also recommend looking into resources on abusive relationships and how to deal. Hugs!
__________________
 butterflytobe "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." |
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#4
Nov 10, 2008, 01:54 PM
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What is it about all of us,,men and women,,that makes it easier to trust those we Love with our anger,,rather than our vunerability.
Why do we view anger as strength? Why can't we see that anger never solves any problem? Why is it so very hard to admit being afraid? Anger is fear...dressed as a knight readied for war... I know it is frustrating Melissa..governments are perplexed with the very family problem you wrestle with... When he yells tell him you Love him no matter how difficult he tries to make it... Ask him how he would handle you with such a display? And when you are afraid,,like now,,,show him how to share fear without anger...tell him all you know about it... With care, Lenny
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I have only one conclusion,,and that is things change too quickly for me to draw them.... Sobriety date...Halloween 1989. I was plucked from hell...and treat this gift as if it is the only one... |
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