[Cherreen]

I am in such a predicament right now and I feel so alone. My best friend is a gay guy and I am attracted to him in every way. I started having feelings for him though before I knew he was gay. He started dating a guy back in August and they're still together, and since then I've just been having the strangest feelings. We used to spend so much time together but now that he has a boyfriend I don't see him as often. People think to seem my situation is funny or completely ridiculous because my friend is gay and nothing is going to ever happen between us, which is completely true but I am having an unbelievably difficult time accepting it. I remember him telling me once that he didn't want me to ever get a boyfriend because he was afraid I would spend more time with the boyfriend and less time with him, and now, ironically, I feel like he is doing this to me. The other night I told him that the reason why I was upset was because we used to spend so much time together and now I don't get to see him as often, so my solution to this was to spend less time together (I actually un-invited him from an event I am going to with another friend this weekend). It was incredibly hard to do because I care about him so much, but I really think I should try to separate myself from him a little. We are also graduating from college soon and going to different medical schools and everytime I think about this and not seeing him, I get so sad. I don't know if this has anything to do with my desire to be apart from him or not. I'm just incredibly confused as you can all probably tell and I can't get my mind off of him. I'm a pretty easy-going, laid back person and I'm not really emotional, so I just don't know how to handle my feeligs for him and how to handle this entire situation. Does anybody have any kind of positive advice??

[Rhapsody]

As hard as it is going to be I suggest that you give the two of you a little more space and take a well needed emotional break from all these feelings.... then before you to go off to different medical school I would recommended that you fix the friendship and enjoy what life has given you with this very special mam - so there are no regrets down the road.

BTW - I have been in a similar situation where my gay gentleman friend was in love with me and as hard as it was on him we still remained friends (after a separation period) for some twenty years.... may he R.I.P.

[sabby]

Hi Chereen and Welcome to PC.

I think what you are going through is a grieving process. You are grieving over a relationship that never could be what you feel you want it to be. Maybe there is a bit of jealousy mixed in too since you've not been able to spend as much time with him since he found his mate. I do think that by involving yourself with other folks, other plans and keeping yourself busy will help. It doesn't mean that you won't have that connection, just that you have both moved on in your lives. I think it's quite normal to be happy for him (I'm sure you want him to be happy) and hurting over having less time with him at the same time. Quite confusing isn't it?

It's ok to be sad.....but it's also ok for you to move on in your own direction and to make your own happiness

Wishing you well!


sabby

[skymonk]

I went through the same thing in high school at least 3 times. I didn't know they were gay until I expressed my feelings. I got called a "fag hag" because I hung out with a lot of the gay kids at school even though I'm straight as an arrow. Confusing&painful-definetly. But I did learn what qualities I wanted in a partner&also found that gays have the same sorts of relationship problems that straights do as well as the stigma of being gay. I'd say stay friends-friends, gay or straight often get wrapped up in their new found relationships& tend to not spend as much time with you as they used to. Maybe you'll see that in yourself when you do have a successful relationship. It's silly to throw a friendship away because he's gay&has a boyfriend&it's now clear that nothing will happen between you two. Remember the good times of the relationship&keep in touch even after you change schools-during college is when you make some of your best lifelong friends. Also, I agree with whoever said you were grieving over what will never happen that you wanted-you'll find that happens whether the person you like is gay or straight&their feelings don't match yours. I think the attraction to gay men is that they aren't just after you for sex so you feel safe with them&they do tend to be a little more emotionally in tune w/the opposite sex even though a intimate relationship is not what they desire. You're not alone!

[Cherreen]

Wow, this is amazing. I can't believe how quickly people responded and how supportive you all are. I do believe that I'm in the adjusting process and that's why I'm hurting so much. I never realized how deep my feelings were for him until he started seeing this other guy. I am extremely happy for him at the same time though, because he was always afraid that he would never find anybody (he's not the flamboyant type, more introverted, and really the guy he's with is perfect for him). The three of us had dinner together tonight and it was actually pretty enjoyable. It bothers me though when I've tried to talk to him about it and he just drops it. I understand that I may be acting childish and that he may see me as blowing things out of proportion, but I think it really does help to talk and he's not willing to do that. I do believe that we'll always be very good friends at the very least. I just want to be able to be happy for him without these feelings of jealousy and hurt. How long does a grieving process like this take because I really don't think I can take it anymore. Again, thanks to both of you for reaching out. It is very much appreciated

[sabby]

Hi Chereen,

Funny thing about grieving....it takes as long as it takes. No tried and true specific amount of time really. Everyone is different.

I do know what will help with the process to not feel so intense, and that is to carry on with your life, work hard to find YOUR joys and YOUR happiness along the way. By putting your efforts into yourself and not sitting at home feeling sorry or pining over something that will never happen, you will help yourself to heal from this hurt.

As far as your friend not being willing to talk about it right now, it could be that he can't face the pain you are feeling. No one likes to know that they have caused a loved one pain....give him some time and maybe when he sees you feeling better, it will help him to be able to talk to you more.

All this said, I'm not insinuating that you are wrong to feel the way you feel. I'm just saying that sometimes to move past times like this we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and go on our merry way

Take good care!

sabby

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by _sabby_

Funny thing about grieving....it takes as long as it takes. No tried and true specific amount of time really. Everyone is different.

Ever so True....

[sabby]

Hey Chereen....wondering how you are doing. Hope you are feeling better.


sabby

[Cherreen]

Hi Sabby,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read about my troubles. I am feeling better at the present moment, but there are still times when I feel really down. I am taking the advice that I received from several people, including people from this forum, by trying to spend less time with him in order to make myself realize that I have other people who care about me and that I cannot simply focus my attention on one person. I realize that this is unhealthy and it is probably the reason why I felt so depressed last week. He had told me that him and his boyfriend started saying "I love you" to each other and I just couldn't take it. My feelings for him run very very deep, so I think that by distancing myself from him for a while I will learn to detach myself from him and hopefully this will allow me to deal with the situation in a better way. Thanks so much for checking up on me. It is very much appreciated.

Originally Posted by _sabby_

Hey Chereen....wondering how you are doing. Hope you are feeling better.


sabby

[sabby]

Awwww ... good to hear from you Cherreen. I'm glad you are taking steps to help yourself. That tells me you are going to be fine You know...time can be a great healer as well. There is nothing wrong with taking time to feel what you feel, do what is best for yourself and keep making forward movement. Sounds like you are doing just that.

Hang in there hon.....we're with ya!


sabby

[seeker1950]

HI, Chereen,
So many wise and compassionated answers here. I agree with what Sabby said,
"Funny thing about grieving....it takes as long as it takes. No tried and true specific amount of time really. Everyone is different."

There is also something about the dynamic of being attracted to a gay person which is, though painful, perhaps not as final or wrenching as, say, being rejected for another female. You know this man's sexual preference. This should, in time, hopefully soon, alleviate some of your feelings of sadness, and allow you to move on with your life. You can still think of him as a friend.
Love
Patty

[Cherreen]

I haven't written anything on here for a while so I guess I'll provide an update. I'm doing better with my situation overall, but occasionally I still get upset about it. My friend (the gay guy I'm attracted to) really has been making attempts to include me in his activities as much as possible, which I like because he's showing me consideration, but at the same time I wanted to pull myself away from him to try to spend more time with my other people in an attempt to rid my feelings for him. I like that he's showing me consideration and we still do spend a lot of time together, but an awkward issue occurs when he wants to spend time with both his boyfriend and me at the same time. I feel kind of awkward being in their presence, not only because I feel like the third wheel, but also because I have feelings for this guy and here he is making out with his boyfriend right in front of me. I've turned down spending time with them several times and it makes my friend upset, but I just feel too awkward around them. Should I feel this way or should I just enjoy myself regardless? I can't tell if my behavior in this situation is justified because I almost feel childish, but at the same time I'm genuinely upset.

[seeker1950]

Chereen, hunny, I'd be turned off to seeing him make out with his boyfriend, whether I had emotional feelings of attachment to him or felt toward him just as a platonic friend. This sounds inconsiderate to me. I think you would be wise to distance yourself and find other friends to spend your time with. You deserve love and respect.
Love
Patty

[SophiaG]

its hard when you like someone that cant feel attraction back towards you. *hug*

I think it'd be best to move on if he is kissing his bf in front of you. that's a sign he isnt interested in you.

[sabby]

(((((((((( Chereen ))))))))))))

It surely looks like he cares very much for you as a dear friend, since he is now including you in his life again. That must make you feel really good to know that there is still a connection between you.

I can certainly understand if you wish to curtail your outings with him and his bf now as you seem not to be over this attraction to him yet. Maybe you could have a phone relationship with him...talk as friends...keep in touch, but back away from getting together and going out. You have every right to allow yourself to work through your feelings for him from a safe distance.

I think, keeping yourself busy with other things, other people is exactly what you should be doing to move on in your life. Good for you! Know that in time, you heart and your brain will figure all this out and you will feel better.

Take good care!

sabby