[myoasis89]

that I am going to counselling. I have co-dependency. Should i tell her how much she hurt me and caused me pain. Should I tell her that for once in my life I have some hapiness in knowing that I was not crazy thinking that something has been wrong all along. Should I tell her that it was her fault that I had no friends. For once I ahve a relationship with my bf whom i love and I don't want her to ruin that?

[sabby]

I'm so glad to hear you are in therapy ((((((((( myoasis )))))))))))).

Have you talked with your T about approaching your mom about your feelings and thoughts? If so, what did your T suggest?

Sometimes when we are working through relationships and problems stemming from them, we have this huge need to make the other person know how they made us feel. Sometimes we are strong enough to do that and hold our own, being prepared for what may be dished out to us, and other times, we really are not strong enough.

About 9 months ago, my husband decided he wanted to end our marriage. I received very little feedback from him as to why. He never spoke to me of any issues he was having...there was a complete lack of communication on his part and I was left wondering what the heck happened here??? There was such hurt and betrayal that I felt and I really wanted to communicate all that to him and in a way, I wanted him to hurt the same way he had hurt me. But I fought telling him. It was hard to fight. But I knew I was still feeling too vulnerable to discuss it with him and I didn't think I could hold my own and walk away feeling better for having had my say. I waited to work through the initial feelings...and I'm really glad I did. In time I was able to work through my pain and speak rationally to him about how he made me feel, how he had hurt me. I expected him to be cold and unfeeling and for the most part he was. It didn't bother me as much as it could have had I decided to confront him before I did some self healing.

So, that is why I suggest to you to find some healing and prepare yourself for every possible reaction you could receive when you confront her. Good self care


sabby

[Doesitend?]

First of all, sabby, sorry about your hubby. Mine did that in April, changed his mind, we went through therapy, and here we are again at the same place.

Now for the OP: Talk to your therapist about confronting your Mom. If she had that much control over your life, she can easily take over again if you are not careful. I understand your need to fight back and take control, but please make sure you are ready. I applaud you, though. I have just recently started taking control over my overbearing father. Please let us know how this goes!

[kimmydawn]

I agree with talking with your therapist first about this...long and hard.

If you feel prepared for this, your therapist is on-board with it, and you have good support and tools in place, I'll share this...

My personal advice would be to NOT do this unless and until you are completely independent from your mother (emotionally, mentally, physically and financially). I'm saying that because these times are very difficult in the best of circumstances generally, to complicate it by things really rocking your world due to having to continue in certain roles is more than difficult.

That's all the advice I can give based on my personal experience, hon.

I'm glad you're doing as well as you are, and hope you continue! Keep posting!

KD

[multipixie9]

the 3 posted answers above me are EXCELLENT AND WISE. they have covered the answer well, so all i have to add is what happened when i did not wait to confront my dad about a sexually crude remark he made about my body the last time i hugged him for many many years (as a 14 year old)

i called, sometime in my 30's, very early in my healing journey and told him what he had said to me, i won't repeat it here. his response was, and i quote, "hunh, i must have been really drunk, i don't remember saying that." end of quote, end of discussion, not the end of the pain and anger i felt. the validation of my feelings didn't come, the apology i hoped for did not come. i walked away with one more wound to recover from.

i love my dad and was able to forgive him. my mom who was very controlling and very demanding died before i was well enough to think of confronting her. so, i have had to do a lot of healing on my own - something that many of us have to do.

i wish you all the healing there is and hope you may come to a place of deep peace concerning your past. Timing Is Everything!

[kimmydawn]

Oh, gosh, yes! That's such an important point and should be gone over and over and over again with T and supportive people who'll be there for your afterward if you continue on with this.

Please know that you might not get anything close to what you're hoping for from this on her part. If you do this, it needs to be for yourself, for your own healing...and NOT dependent on anything she may or may not do.

KD