[chloepie]

I had written a while ago about my boyfriend and I breaking up. Good news is we got back together, the bad news is that I'm not sure what to do next. He is seeking counseling for his issues, and I know one of his big issues is opening up. He has a problem opening up to me, and especially other people. He wants to make friends, but how can you make friends if you're afraid to give some of yourself to the relationship. He has built this huge wall around him, letting it down every now and then for me, but all in all, he's just scared to let me in.

It's hard for me, because I feel I have opened myself up to him, and now I have to deal with his indecision of us and his difficulty showing me he cares.

Is this something that can truly be fixed, or should I just get out now before I get involved again....(I know this is a decision I need to make for myself...if I could just get some insight from others, I would appreciate it)

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Chloepie -- Refresh my memory: Are you already in counseling? It takes two people to make a relationship. Even though you may not have any issues with sharing, a counselor can suggest communication strategies for gaining the other person's trust. Perhaps you should both be in counseling, if you are not already.

So glad to hear you have made progress.

[WHISPER]

I will have to agree with wants2fly. Try the counseling for a while give him a chance then make a decision. Wish you the best!
Whisper )

[Myzen]

Hi Chloe,

Some people are very reticent about deep stuff, especially emotions.

One practical thing you can do is to be with your boyfriend and not push him to talk about anything that's hard for him.

It might take a long time, but if you listen to what he talks about, and don't push for anything, you will start to get a feel for the way he is thinking. It's a real skill, and hard to do, but just being there and paying attention is the key.

I learned this in my teaching job, and I was amazed at the revelations that come out when somebody starts to let down the barriers. It was never what I expected, but it was always good to see someone loosen up.

I hope that helps a little.

Cheers, Myzen

[chloepie]

Thank you all for your posts. I am actually a counselor in training, and so I have attempted to be patient while I wait for him to open up, basically being as supportive and available as I can for him. But he needs more help than I can give him.

He doesn't know who he is, what he wants, or even how to love. After two years of me trying and getting hurt, we agreed it was better to be apart. He cares about me, but he doesn't allow himself to love because he is afraid of getting hurt. I have done all I can for him because I truly believed in him and loved him, but I can't go on hurting.

I recently found out that he does not even really believe in himself, and doesn't even think he can change. He doesn't see himself in a relationship forever because he can't trust anyone to let them in to stay that long. Any person who opens up to him, he pushes away and hurts them because he is protecting himself. He needs counseling and I need to get away before he hurts me more.

I really thought he was the one for me, but I see now that I need someone who is capable of loving me and being open.

I do realize that he needed me in his life to show him what love really is and show him he's worth loving. I wish nothing but the best for him, but unfortunately, I need to start moving on with my life and begin making it about me. I need to find a man who could see a future with us, or at least doesn't mind thinking about getting married.

I still want to be a support for him, but I need to spend time for me moving on and letting go. If you have any ideas on how to be supportive from a distance, I would definately appreciate it.

Thanks!

[_Fly]

Hello Chloepie -- I am a bit skeptical about remaining "supportive from a distance." For myself, that has too often meant never really cutting the cord and truly getting on with with my life. Always hanging on to the emotional investment I made in The Other.

You are a counselor-in-training, so perhaps those who are mentoring and guiding you can help you establish boundaries between your personal needs and your professional desire to help.

You've made a brave and reasonable choice. Good for you!

[chloepie]

Thanks Fly! And I think you're exactly right. I want to help, but I know that right now, it won't help me move on. I have created space between us and told him for the time being, I need to remain distant in order to get over him. I take a whole month and I won't talk to him, and I completely erase him out of my life, meaning no e-mails, no IM's, no cell phone, nothing. I erase him out of my phone, off my buddy list, everything!! For one whole month, I am without him, and it helps me realize I don't need him and I am fine without him. Usually, that time allows me the ability to be friends with my exes further down the line. I have tried this for everyone I have broken up with and it works well.

We'll see how well this works with him...

Thank you Fly for your advice!!