Dumped all my friends

Never created a thread myself. Hope I'm not being too bold. But at my DBT group the T was asking about how we were doing on our relationships & I just said: "I dumped them all--destroyed them--not too nicely, either. Suddenly told people I didn't want to have them in my life as they were causing me too much drama or triggering me" (had friends from my bipolar support groups who were cycling & reminded me too much of my mother who was an out of control bp that caused me a lot of trauma).

So one of these friends said would I dump a marriage like that & I should discuss it in therapy & I thought, my god, I've got too many issues to discuss in therapy & I'm paying out of pocket; I can't afford friends that I need to discuss in therapy, too. I need to concentrate on my marriage in therapy. Then she started to leave me voicemails spewing stuff about how I was passive/aggressive & how she counted how many times I spoke too many times in the support group we go to & I was disruptive & I was usurping the leader's role...all this stuff that I guess she had been harboring against me that I had no idea about. So again I was triggered about my mother who would wake me up in the middle of the night when I was 10 & call me a ***** (I didn't know what the word meant) & kick me out of the house & I'd have to go out to the garage or walk down to the Safeway (when I got a clue to sleep in my clothes with change on me & my father--who was absent but told me to call his secretary to come pick me up).

So this out of the blue accusations was scary for me. So basically, I feel like I am incapable of judging what other people think about me so I am severing all relationships. So relationships--GONE...don't think I'll try again. My 2 grown kids & my husband I will concentrate on.--Suzy Anyone else have troubles like this??

You are incapable of judging what other people think about you because they are in charge of what they think and you have to ask/they have to tell you; guessing on your end not allowed!

But I think you're doing wonderfully recognizing that she has the issue and has been "harboring" all that stuff against you; dumping it on you like your mother dumped on you in the middle of the night is HER issue, not yours. You're doing well getting away from her.

But I wouldn't sever all relationships until the relationship proves to be a problem for you? You cannot avoid getting hurt or surprised; we can't "control" other people and how they respond and what their issues are; we can only be comfortable with ourselves, in ourselves so that their drama doesn't impact us. Keep working on your mother and your marriage and things that mess up your ability to care for yourself but I wouldn't dump everyone willy nilly until I was sure they weren't being helpful? How are you going to know how you impact others until they tell you and not all they have to say is always going to be complementary?

.........

Thank you for your replies. My mother is long dead. She committed suicide when I was 15 (she had bipolar as I do). So I hate to admit it but I was happy when that happened as she was very abusive to all of us kids (physically to my brother very much).--Suzy

(((Suzy))) sounds rough.... I think avoiding drama with these friends is a really good idea, but perhaps dumping them outright is a too drastic measure? Do you get anything positive from them at all that would make them worth keeping in some kind of respect? If not, then I think you're doing the right thing, but if they are there for you at times when you need them maybe a wiser course of action would be to limit contact or set some boundaries...

Hey, I see you're from N.Z. My mother was from N.Z.

I'm not good at setting boundaries.--Suzy

I've often felt like doing the same thing except then I would have no support from family(as usual),bf(as usual) or friends(as usual). You have to pick your friends VERY CAREFULLY. Meaning hardly anyone you meet is worthy of the trust needed to be a true friend. I had a friend who used to e-mail me everyday&ask me a zillion questions about my mental problems-which I answered. When I asked her what hers were-she brought it up that she had multiple personality disorder-she promptly told me she wouldn't talk aboutthat with anyone but her T. Well, I've since found that she has in fact discussed her illness with others. I was honest&candid&what did I get? A big smack in the face saying "You're not good enough to know about MY problems, but it's MY right to know all about yours". Her e-mails became less&less frequent&then she complained that I was depressing her by discussing&asking for advice about problems w/my bf. She even said that reading my e-mails made her want to hurt herself. THANKS A LOT. Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore&I don't consider her a friend. AGAIN I was taught by example that you can't trust anybody that you can actually see&spend time with with any information about your problems. I for one am sick&tired of being treated like a pariah for being mentally ill not just by the STUPID UNCARING PUBLIC, but also by my family&"friends". I TRUST NO ONE. It's too risky. If you have a problem, both the mentally ill&the rest of them just wantto stick their heads in the sand&ignore you unless you're ALWAYS sunshine&smiles. I'm SICK, I don't function that way or I wouldn't be considered mentally ill. I dumped all of my support groups several months ago because they weren't support groups, they were popularity contests&there was one woman who was in EVERY group who would say, "Well, I'm just being honest..." &then proceed to say something to tear you down if you'd DARED to voice a problem in the "support" group. I say GOOD GOING! You don't need anyone else giving you a hard time because you have mental problems-those who are also sick would be sympthetic you'd think, but it's not true. The ONLY place I've found ANY support is here at Psych Central.

Yes, I find it very difficult to sustain friendships. One of the ones I just "dumped" actually counted the times I called her (on her phone voicemail machine, I guess) & said I wasn't initiating calling her enough! Well, when she never answers the damn phone I quit calling! I don't believe in "keeping score" with friends. Sometimes one person needs more time & attention & then it might be the reverse.

Wow, when I told her the relationship was not serving either of us well (in a healthy way) then the hidden wrath of all sorts of things she was harboring against me came out. I was shocked. That just proved to me it was not a good relationship. But I am just so wary now. I don't want to enter into another "friendship" at all.

I do have my husband & children (grown now).--Suzy