[austria]

My fiance and I are living together since 1 year and recently we are having communication problems and fighting at least once a day because of stupid things. We are getting married in February 2004 and I hope that we can resolve this communication problem somehow. We just dont know how!! We love each other a lot and are looking forward to getting maried and spend our lives together, everything else in our relationship is perfect. He sais that i dont listen, but i do; when i want to talk or explain, he interupts me and doe not let me finish talking; he sais he does not understand me sometimes; i think he does not have enough pacient and is very stubbornly . Can anybody help me?

[Rapunzel]

I would suggest going to couples counseling together to learn to communicate better. It sounds like both of you may need to learn how to listen to the other, how to show that you are listening, and also how to know when the other is listening to you. There are also plenty of good books about communication and relationships, which might help if both of you would read them and talk about it.

[Zenobia]

I second Rapunzel's suggestion. Couple's counciling is wonderful. The therapist will help you get an understanding of each other and to learn how to discuss things without hurting each other over, like you said, stupid things.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[austria]

Thanks for your quick reply! I thought about couple counceling, but honestly find it kind of wheared to do it. Because, is'nt that something for couples who are already married? Does'nt it look stupid that we do counceling BEFOR we are even married??
The book is a very good idea, and if you have any suggestions for me, i really appreciate it.
Because we are getting married in a catholic church, they want us to to a "focus", which is pretty much a questionary with about 170 questions about you and your future spouse. We both had to fill this out in seperate rooms and in about two weeks, we should get the answer of that. I am looking forward to this opportunity to talk to somebody outside our relationship and might help us.

[darkeyes]

Sounds like you are already married, I am not making fun of your post, but I've been married 25 years and over the past 10 years my husband has fallen into this terrible, annoying habit of finishing my sentences with what he "thinks" I am going to say, or just cuts me right off as I am talking. I keep stressing he needs to see a counselar (I already do) cause he is becoming a control freak, I think he forgets to leave it at work, ha!ha!
I wish you 2 lots of luck, love & patience
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Rapunzel]

Actually, more and more people are going to couples counseling before they get married. You just want to start it off right. I've heard it said that you should go into marriage with your eyes wide open, but then after marriage keep your eyes half closed. You and your fiance love each other, so why not work on your relationship from the very beginning?

Since this fighting is bothering you though, I think it would be best to work it out now and know that it can be resolved, rather than wait to find out after you are married that it only gets worse. The marriage ceremony isn't going to change anything. I hope that there are not any problems that are too big to work out, but if there are, wouldn't it be better to find out about it now?

There are lots of books about relationships. One that I have is Couples: How to Confront problems and Maintain Loving Relationships by Dr. Carlfred Broderick.

[Serenity]

Sounds so familiar.... "I" make no sense ...Yet 9 out of 10 other people understand me easily and completely....Ask me a question but cut me off before i can even complete my answer then say i dotn communicate or express how I feel.....Complain I dont communicate...yet "you" rate way higher than anyone else and what "you" feel is foremost..."right" and everythign else secondary.....Im starting to learn the meaning of "Hypocrit" unfortunatley

[/i]</font color=red>
Serenity

[bunnyape]

Even the happiest of couples have been known to fight a lot, according to my own research with a number of them for my recent popular book, LOVING IN FLOW. It's not how you fight that matters most, but how you "repair" after the fight. If you can clear the air afterward, that counts the most.

But it seems you two really need some help with your styles of talking. What worked for my husband and me was to use what I call a "talking pillow." It's just a little pillow, but you can use anything, just so long as it's not sharp! That's because when you have the pillow, the other person has to be quiet and really listen closely. Then when you're finished talking, you give (or toss) the pillow to your partner.

We only use the talking pillow when one of us is having trouble being heard, but you two seem like you need it NOW.

Counseling might be useful, depending on the counselor, but we found that this wasn't the answer for us. If you can both practice not interrupting, that will be a good start. It takes effort and attention to be good talkers and listeners. I wish you luck!

Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
http://www.BunnyApe.com/lovinginflow.htm
Author of <font color=red> LOVING IN FLOW: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way </font color=red>