Afraid of people in general, unable to communicate, please help!

OK, first time posting in PC, you guys seem like a nice enough bunch of people, maybe you can help me out (hope Im in the right section of the forum). I am thinking its time to get professional one-on-one help as well, so I might be doing that sometime soon. My post is kind of long, sorry if Im rambling, just wrote it how I felt it.

Heres where I am coming from. Most of my life, I have been pretty introverted, and really struggled to relate to people in general. I also had some bad social experiences in my early teens, which just made things worse. Because of all that I had a really poor opinion of myself, and even though people always tell me I am intelligent, I always seemed to do pretty average, and sort of sabotaged myself academically by not putting any effort in because I didnt want myself to succeed. Stupid, I know.

So, my family moved cities when I was 16, and I never really made friends with anyone at the new school, so Ive been pretty much alone since then, not going to movies or parties or meeting new people. I was in the church band for 2 years, but about a year ago I quit because the whole thing sort of came apart. It was a big deal for me, and I didnt really know how to get over it, or move on, seeing as Im not confident or social enough to go join another band.

Since then, I havent really done anything besides sit in my room, playing video games and watching movies, and the working during the day. I also hate myself sooo much for not being able to connect with people. I get absolutely terrified when I have to speak to someone I dont know. I know its called social withdrawl or something, but I dont know how to get over it. I went to an anime convention the other day (ok, so anime is lame I know, but I enjoy it enough to watch it, and I thought its nice to be part of a group). My whole reason for going was to meet people, relatively similar to me, with the same interests etc., and even though there were guys there who I speak to almost every day on the internet, I couldnt even go up to them and introduce myself. I really hate myself for that.

So, my family are the only people I really have. I have a decision to make now though, because work wants me to move away. I dont think my family understands me anyways, they just seem to think that I enjoy being alone or something, but they are all I have in terms of relationships, so now I have to leave them behind. I sound like some kind of whiny kid, but Im 21 years old, and I guess Im emotionally dependent. Life in general is really getting me down. Its 4:21 in the morning as Im writing this, and Ive hardly slept, and its work in a few hours.

I really dont know what to do, and Ive thought about killing myself since I was 13, but I cant do it because it will destroy my family. I still think about it often though, I just feel like I dont deserve to live, and Im a disgrace to those I love, though they say they are proud of me. I hate they way everything has turned out, and I dont know how to fix it.

Hopefully someone can help me get through all this stuff in my life, I just want the next 21 years of my life to be better than the first 21!

Hi max and welcome to PC...

Your post was thoughtfull and certainly filled us in...

I think your idea of seeking professional direction is a great one. You seem to understand much of your behavior and now look to the whys...in hope of solutions...

I also find your efforts at breaking through with some socialization a good demonstration of your willingness to change things...

I'm sure you can....

Welcome again,

Lenny

Thanks Lenny, your thoughts are appreciated.

Hi Maxthepiro,

You guess your emotionally dependant.

Hummm how about ...you let what others think of you be the absolute truth.

( OTHERS, being those who have put you down or rejected you or defined you in some manner and you fall short of some .... someway you should be for them. )

You hate the way things have turned out... By whos standards?

Ask yourself this through out the day .

Are you comparing yourself to others ? and what is this comparison.

Patricia

I to am standoffish when it comes to people. And being out of work, I may go 2 to 3 weeks with no one to talk to but my dog. Just staring at this box. I wish I could get help but in a small town there in none the only city is an 1 1/2 hour drive and with no gas money O well. I really hope you can find help we deserve it. I hate they way my life is going. Bill

Hi Patricia, well, I did used to compare myself to others, I grew up amongst some really rich/overachieving kids, so it was stupid of me to do so. Now that I look back on the last 10 years, I see that I really was just a normal kid, but I felt like garbage. But I know that they were wrong about me, but I still hate myself.

By hating the way things have turned out, well, I mean I hate the fact that I have spent the last 7 years or so shying away from people and being unable to develop relationships, instead of doing things like going to parties, movies, hanging out and all that stuff. But thanks, you are right, comparing yourself to others is going to bring unhappiness.

Yo Bill, I know how horrible loneliness can be, we gotta find a way out, we just have to.

i think i have common situation with you..and i had been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder but whatever it is that not helping at all...
i dont have any sugestion for u..just want to share its suck to have this personality and dont know what to do....i hope u will find help soon..and get more happee

I lived much like you do several years ago. You sound like you may be agoraphobic...look it up on the website info pages. There's also something called social anxiety disorder. I understand not wanting to be around people-I'm often afraid that they want to use me-which is common-or they want to hurt me.(In an emotional way.) Maybe I'm paranoid, but I've found that my intuition is my best friend. If I meet up with someone&my intuition says "uh oh" I listen now. I used to be really stubborn about not listening to it&I've learned my lesson the hard way. Keep your chin up-coming here is a good start. Welcome

Welcome,
You aren't alone. I don't trust many people either&tend to isolate, maybe you have social anxiety disorder-though I think going to the anime convention was a good first step. Keep in touch with the people you met&let it slowly grow from there.
Stop beating yourself up! You're not stupid or garbage&screw the kids who dissed you in school&in your home town. People are cruel for the dumbest reasons! I know what it's like to have a hard time meeting people-I isolated until the only person I had was my bf&when things got bad there I was really screwed. We've since patched things up for now. My family is another story-they treat me like a pariah because I'm mentally ill. Screw them!
Have you tried to make friends with people you work with or by volunteering somewhere? Another place you might try is a website called meetup.com, they have groups local to many metropolitan areas&have groups that meet for lots of things-social, things in common, support, etc. I've met people through that website&have had pretty good luck so far. I go to a self esteem building group now. Check them out.
Best of luck in the New Year&feel free to PM anytime.