[Jessatasia]

Sorry to jump right in, and sorry it is so long.

1) We had gotten into a big argument, so much so that I stayed at my sisters for a few days. I finally called him and asked if we could talk he said yes but was going out with his parents for dinner. He would call me after. Around 10 I called him he said he was still there. Around 10:30 I called him, he didn’t answer. Around 10:45 I sent a text saying I was going to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. So at 11 I called, still no answer, sent a couple text no answer. So I thought well, I have to talk so went to his house. He wasn’t there. This friend of his lived a couple blacks away and close to on my way back home so I went there. His van was at her house. I called him, no answer. I sent a text stating I was outside, he did not answer and did not call back. I went back home. I sent several text, asking what I had done, and finally I just went to sleep. At 1:30 my phone rang and hung up. It was from her phone. The next day around 5:00 pm he sent a text saying if I want I could come over. I did. We talked. But I had a hard time getting past this. He swears they are just friends, but my question is why did he go there instead of talking with me and why would he be there all night? (From this he called me a stalker and said I was crazy. What I would like to say is yes I showed up but after he didn’t answer his phone and he knew I was there I left. I did not go to the door, I did not sit there.)

2) Few weeks later, I leave the house to be at work by 7, I get to work and found I got the day off. Thinking he would still be a sleep, I didn’t call I just went back home. When I got there I found her there in his bedroom with the door locked They were just talking, but it still seemed weird to me that she would be there after I had went to work. In his defense here, he shared the house with a married couple and so most time was spent in their rooms.

Note* He says they are just friends, but since this last he says he doesn’t talk to her and I believe him.

3) Current - Approximately a month ago, he got a Trojan on his computer. He wanted me to fix it, so I told him the night before I am gonna be on your computer tomorrow. The next day I get on, and was doing a search when I hit the wrong key a singles site came up in the previous searches. So I checked out where they went and logged on to his singles account. In there it had all his information and said he was seeking a woman age 34 to 35. He is 55, I am 47. When I asked him about it he said he didn’t do it, then he kept saying he didn’t type the info in then he said he was just trying to get into live sex chat. I had a hard time getting past this also. So I started checking his emails and his computer, I knew when things were deleted and what things. I knew where to look. I would ask him, he would get mad. But after we would talk he would say he understood and would check mine if he was suspicious and I should check his when I feel I need to. (I use to play an online game, and my accounts are still active, I was on there for many years hardcore so have a lot of friends. But when I got on he would question who I was chatting to, and get upset so I quit playing or even logging in. The last time I was talking with this family I knew on there, the husband, wife and their two kids and this bothered my bf. I am stating this because he gets upset when I talk to a family and yet couldn’t’ figure out why I would be upset if he got on live sex chat. He kept telling me it is normal and I over react.)

4) I still did not feel right checking on his, the other day again I had to do work on his computer, while waiting for a down load on his I noticed a picture of a girl he says is like his daughter I believe she is also around his daughters age In their 20’s), anyway in the picture the girl was barely dressed. I asked him about this he said she sent it to him to send to a guy he worked with. (my thoughts on this is if that is the case, why keep it? And would you keep something on your phone that was like this if it really was your daughter?)

5) This last weekend, we get in another argument because I found a few more things I was questioning, only this time I was looking. He asked me if I checked everyday, I said no, which was true and he got extremely mad and called me a liar over and over again. He finally got over getting mad and we talked yet again.

Ok, that is a few things as briefly as I could state them, I would like to say that during our arguments he always says he is not doing any thing wrong and I should trust him and my issues are from my past. What I would like to say is yes I do have insecurities, and trust is a major issue with me, however I am recently divorced and as bad as things were in my last marriage I always and to this day trusted my ex, never felt the need to check up on him. I state this to show that if I didn’t have reasons then I am able to trust. During several of our arguments he said we should go to a marriage councilor and yet when I finally set up an appointment he got furious.

When he is with me all my suspicions go out the window, he doesn’t watch his phone for messages, He doesn’t leave the room to talk and puts his phone on speaker a lot of the times. He has given me all his passwords. We have a very active sex life and take baths together every night. We even watch porn together. He says he believes we are soul mates and I need to trust him. I honestly don’t few he is cheating but I feel his actions are what make me feel insecure. We are a lot a like, a lot different. We spend hours talking, on a regular bases. He always picks up on when I am upset and ask me until I tell him so he is attuned to my feelings.

So I have a couple questions as to what I can do, I love this guy dearly, but can I trust him? Am I over reacting? Too insecure? How can I trust him? What can I do to get past this? The only other thing I probably should add is I am severely depressed..

[madisgram]

welcome to pc. i'm sorry you are depresed but i suspect what has taken you there. i don't know if i can answer your question cause i'm not "there" but i felt a few "red flags" go up when you were telling about what's happening.
i can only share my experience from the past. my T told me to go with my first instinct because i was probably right. i was a trusting person until a realtionship proved to me that some people have hidden agendas and they didn't include me.
you stated enough that i'd be concerned as you are. i don't know what, if anything, is truly going on. do you have a therapist that you can run all this by to? i feel he might see things objectively and also give you suggestions of how to sort all this out with your partner.
keep us posted on how you are doing, k? we care about you.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Jessatasia, I agree with Madisgram that you should trust your instincts. I also was divorced at age 47 after a 20 year marriage to a man whom I never had an ounce of distrust. We were just like brother/sister and the relationship was unfulfilling. I was so happy to be free and not NOT looking to date at all, but shortly after finding myself single, I did find men seeking my company. My initial dating experience after the divorce sounds a lot like what you are experiencing with this man. I SO wish I had listened to my gut instincts. In all honesty, I'm rather ashamed to admit, the sexual aspects of the relationship after my long, barren marriage blinded me to the many red flags and bad vibes I was receiving, making me very anxious and insecure. A loving relationship should not propel one to search the significant other's computer sites, nor should it cause one to have sleepless nights in which you are trying to reach him by phone, much less driving around looking for him. I'm not criticizing you on this as I've "been there, done that" myself! But, having experienced this same kind of thing, I can tell you honestly that I WISH I had walked away from it much sooner than I did.
I also know that when one is enmeshed with another in a sexual relationship, it takes superhuman will power to extricate oneself. But my hard advice here is to give yourself some alone time, or even time with friends and other men of different character.
Patty

[AAAAA]

From what you've posted you have reason to be concerned imo. The one that went off like air raid sirens was when you came home unexpectedly from work to find him locked in his bedroom with another female. I don't think that you should have to call home to give advanced warning that you'll be there when you're not expected.

I've had many male friends through the years, I cannot think of a single situation that another male and I were locked in my bedroom. Even when I was extremely ill and a good friend came to check on me. All my kids were home as was my husband, but friend just said he'd come back when I was able to go downstairs.

[Jessatasia]

Thank you for the replys. I was pretty sure I was losing it. Reason being is that everytime the subject comes up with him, he says that me getting mad over the incidents was crazy and that absolutely no one would see my side. I know from past experience that my instincts are always right. I think I convince myself that I am wrong and that I am not seeing what my eyes are seeing. The one thing I can't get out of my mind, is I keep seeing that "seeking woman" "age 34 to 35". It just about knocks me over. He said he has been single for a long time and didn't really think of it at the time. It took two arguements and two weeks to get him to see my side, which was "how would you feel if I had done that?". So being single for a long time, just seems to me that a person should know what would be ok and what not if they really want to have that relationship. Maybe, I am wrong.

At the time I had posted this, I had honestly believed I was in the wrong for getting mad at him. I don't want to seem naggy or to feel I am picking and chosing his friends.

Not sure what I want to do, but I do know that this roller coaster I am on currently is not what I want for the rest of my life. Being someone who gets depressed if I want to live then my life simply can't afford it.

Thanks again for the replys.