Trust....

Hi..Im new here but have alot of communication issues with my SO. FOr reasons that all came before he entered my life...my ability to trust someone with my heart and feelings is so difficult...practically impossible....
My self esteem is terrible and always has been...he has helped with this but not enough that I can open up.
He is very open and has no problem expressing himself when something is on his mind...He begs this of me.
How do I start...how do I save this....I will lose him if I cant find out how....that isnt something i want...any suggestions...advice or similar situations will be hugely appreciated.
Seekign Serenity...Jennifer

Hi Serenity
I want to help, don't know if I can, but I'll try. Like you, I've had low self-esteem and communication problems. I was always uncomfortable, especially in SO relations and the fear of losing my best friend was regular. We get into these things hoping to find an understanding friend and instead spend hours dreading all the things that can go wrong
If your b/f is really trying to help, take little steps. Share one thing. Likely it won't explain everything and he'll ask for more. Go on until you feel you can't go further. Tell him it's all you can share right now because of your difficulty trusting, but that you're working on it and need his understanding. Hopefully he will allow you to work on it in your own way and the trust and understanding that develops will make you a stronger couple. In time, let a little more out each time. Try not to judge his actions or reactions as judgments of you. Like anyone, he has to process things in his way and he's probably not any more perfect than the rest of us. When we put ourselves out there, we take a chance that others will reject what they see. It doesn't always mean we are wrong. It may mean the other person has a difficulty understanding us. If they truly care and the relationship is important to them, they will be willing to reach a little further, thereby expanding their own knowledge and understanding and growing. If he is the sort who already knows everything and only points out where you are wrong, rather than learning with you, consider whether the relationship is right for you at this time when you are trying to grow.
I think honesty and the ability to be ourselves in a relationship is essential to true happiness. If we have to hide or pretend, we are always afraid of being "found out" for who we really are. It's easier and better in the long run to just be yourself from the beginning

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Start little. Just state your current feelings. "I am sad" Then tell him what you need. "I need a hug then I want to take a bath by myself." Then let him comply with your wishes. Sometimes he will push then simply tell him. "I am not ready to talk about it. Let me write it or let me just feel it for awhile." I know that this doesn't seem like a monumental thing. It doesn't fix your trust issues. But if you can do this once then you will do it again and it will carry over to other more difficult topics. Just the other day I was ask my husband something and the way he was standing me my chest tighten and instead of regressing, pulling away because I couldn't trust that posture I simply told him that his posture led me to believe that he was angry at being asked to do something. He looked down at himself and realized that it was a stance he uses at work and didn't mean to convey the message he was sending to me. It takes practice on both sides. You have to practice giving and he will have to practice recieving. They often say they want us to open up to them but don't realize that our learning to open up requires them to also learn how to recieve what we are giving. It is a difficult dance to learn but well worth the effort.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos