I Don't Want to Need Anyone EVER AGAIN

i know one da-mn thing for sure in this life..don't want to need anyone..be vulnerable to anyone..or reveal myself to anyone...it just makes me panic...don't want to feel anything...and definitely HATE myself when i need anything..that's a feeling I have worked hard to avoid..da-mnit..!

I'm sorry hun *huuugs*

(((((((((((((((((( mcdonald )))))))))))))))))))))

kd

I'm sorry sweety!

{{{{{{{{{{{McDonald}}}}}}}}}}}

nightdream

Oh boy, do I know that one. I've been saying that for as many years as I can remember and as much as I never wanted to be alone again, the mere thought of opening my heart and letting someone penetrate within and leaving myself vulnerable has happened to me without even noticing it was and I couldn't stop it once it started. I know just how scary it can be, I'm scared to death right now, I've managed to maintain those walls for a long time and then it happened when I least expected it. I remember all the previous hurts that built those walls, that put me in a position that I didn't want to ever feel that hurt ever again, it just about killed me (well not literally) the last time, when my marriage fell apart. I thought never, ever again will I allow myself to get involved with someone just to open myself up for possible more hurt and leave myself so vulnerable. I *really* had a hard time with it and my walls were brick solid and I was successful, until recently when a really great guy found a crack in my walls and found his way in. Do I feel vulnerable and panicked? HELL YES!!! I wish I could feel secure in the love we have for each other but the old hurts just won't go away and although he is a new person, it's still damn hard for me. I hope with his constant reassurance, that we can get past my insecurities. I don't want to be hurt again, I remember only too well how it feels. That hurt doesn't go away overnight. I want my newfound love to work desperately and we're working on my insecurities. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you all this except that I very much understand exactly how you feel but maybe someday in your future when you least expect it, somebody will find a slight crack in your walls and penetrate to your heart too. I know you're probably saying right now, I won't let it but I said the same thing too. In fact, it was me that told him first how I felt, it was killing me to keep it in any longer, I felt like I was going to explode. By doing that, I really put myself at great risk of rejection because I thought he was feeling it was just a friendship but all along he was feeling the same thing too.

I guess what I'm trying to so ackwardly say is to hold steadfast to your walls of protection as long as you need them but if you start finding yourself in the position where your feelings of friendship for someone start escalating to something more, I hope that you will take that huge step, lay your vulnerability our there and see where it takes you. Believe me, I never thought in a million years that I ever would but sometimes love is far more powerful than those walls of protection that we build.

In the meantime, hugs sweetie. I understand your pain, I understand your need for protection from hurt and not wanting to let yourself be vulnerable again. I lived it and I'm still working through mine. Much love and hugs being sent your way. I hope you'll let mine in.

{{{{{{{{mcdonald40}}}}}}}}}

I hear you! I feel this way SO often.

Sad way to be, though, isn't it??

Hey McD --

I know just how you feel. Was thinking about this late last night after my sad, withdrawn time in chat with you & others.

A part of me wants to believe that I will have a relationship again someday -- that there will be "zing" for me again someday --

And then, after I flirt with someone, or if I consider how I would respond if someone actually responded to my personal ad (without a photo of course to minimize the chance that anyone will respond) -- I wonder what that might be like --

And I feel a tight thrumming come across my belly that is so uncomfortable, it is almost unbearable.

My whole solar plexus tightens up, and the paralysis starts to enclose around my heart, and I am gripped by a fear that is closer to terror than being afraid . . .

I am about to hijack your thread, I think, not sure -- sorry if I am making this too much about me, McDonald --

Please understand that the man who abandoned me abruptly in 2003, after 15 years together, when I became ill and lost my job, without any preceding fights or signs (at least none that I noticed, being concerned with my health and job and all) --

Was so beloved of my family that my mother (who is 80) cried when she learned he was gone. My brother has taken sides and chosen to stay friendly with my X -- and told me to kill myself when I was suicidal after X left.

X was devoted to making others laugh. He read joke books so that he would always have ammunition to bring laughter wherever he went.

He was so kindhearted to animals it would bring tears to my eyes. He loved my dogs, and me, and did many, many kind things. He cooked and did all the grocery shopping and laundry when I was in graduate school. All of it. Maybe that was part of the problem. He was so heavily invested in me becoming a tenured professor and him being able to quit his job, that when it didn't happen, and when my health suggested that it could never happen -- I ruined the Master Plan and he left. I don't know that for sure, of course. I asked, and he denied it. He eventually screamed that I was so filled with hate and anger and bitterness that he couldn't even go any place with me anymore.

I've had 3 Ts and 1 pdoc tell me that they believe what he did, not what he says. When I told my mom that he said he left bec. I was so filled with hate, she replied, "Well, it sure took him long enough to find out."

"What did you do?" asked my friend Martha. "Were you rude to waiters?" She was impatiently standing in the aisle of a restaurant looking for our wait person, and at this point yelled, "Yoo hoo" at the absentee server. Like she would recognize rudeness to wait staff.

I'd asked if he'd marry me if my health insurance ran out, so that I could afford blood tests that could save my life. He said I was "forcing him into a marriage" that he "didn't want." After 15 years -- his behavior means -- You were good enough to live with for 15 years. But I'd rather that you die than have to marry you.

That diagnosis is now in question, and my health picture is not so bad as it was in 2003. But I've done a lot of research, and 50% of all husbands leave a woman after a diagnosis of lupus. They leave when we get cancer and other bad illnesses. How does one trust again, after one has that experience and takes time to research the statistics on it?

I cried as much because X's final opinion of me was that I am filled with hate, as because he'd left. He'd given no hint that he hated me that much. I'd noticed an occasional caustic putdown, and was surprised by it, but thought it was my low-self-esteem that was causing me to take such remarks the "wrong way." That I needed more reassurance than any one person could provide.

X slept with a little smile on his face. I called him my angel. I trusted him more than I've trusted any other person in my life. And then one day he called and said, "It's over. My feelings have changed." And that was it. No second chances for Wants2Fly. No discussions about what went wrong. No less how to fix it. No couples counseling, not even to help me deal with what happened.

Friends have said -- if you feel like you don't want a relationship after 2 years, give us a call. What you are feeling is natural right now.

22 and a half months have passed. I don't know that it's so much that I don't want another relationship as that I don't see how it could ever be possible.

Because this tight thrumming across my chest -- it hurts so much -- it hurts now even when I write about this, such a long time after it all happened.

A world of compassion and support opened up for me here at the forums, and in the spiritual community I hang with from time to time, but close intimacy with a man again -- I just don't see how I could ever let myself be that vulnerable again. Not with this tightness in my chest like a steel breastplate protecting my heart.

So yeah, I know just how you feel.

sorry, sorry, sorry, McDonald, to steal the thread

How many times have I told myself the same thing only to be in despair down the road due to loneliness. We're such funny animals. Just recently I was on the verge of being in a relationship, but like usual, I screwed up and now she hates me. I wish just once in a while things could be simple. Yoi and double yoi.

(((((((((((Mcdonald))))))))))))))) hang in there hon

thanks John, for sharing and responding..&, by the way, I love your puter name lol mac

thanks for caring..thanks for sharing..my outburst seems to be universal and that is comforting..in a strange way..lol mac

thanks for sharing..we really seem to be on the same page...it helps! mac

You may have my thread anytime...isn't it something when life changes so abruptly and you're left to clean up the mess..pm me anytime...thanks for caring...
mac

you're my bud.....thanks...

((((((((((Grace)))))))))))) hope things are going a little better for you now.