[lucyv]

hi, i am new here but i think i have a real problem with attachment. I have been seperated for 3 years and last year i met a guy 10 years younger than me i was 38, he 28...we saw each other at the weekends as he lived in Belgium and I in the UK.Everything was great... but recently i have been having doubts. I have secured a job in Brussels and will be living with him. He is not an easy person, he is a workaholic with his own business, he is often moody,remote and unaffectionate. He is always too tired for sex and this makes me feel rejected. If i initiate sex i am often pushed away and it really hurts me. Im not sure if this is my own problem with neediness or not. I always feel he will find a girl his own age and when he rejects me this feeling is compounded. He always tells me he loves me and misses me and was happy i had secured a good job so we can be together. He sends me conflicting messages all the time...says one thing and does another.
when i stayed with him recently i found he had joined a dating site, when i asked him about it he told me he was just curious. He was mad with me for not believing him, but i am struggling with that. I am having a real issue with trust now and when he tells me he is going somewhere i dont believe him. I am moving my whole life to be with him but im beginning to think it is not a good idea. I can't seem to decide whether it is me being clingy, possessive, jealous (anxious attachment) or he is really bad news... i just cant seem to trust my judgment, therefore i can't make a rational decision. My head is such a mess with this.... i try to say to myself... get rid of him, but i can't actually do it because i think im being irrational. any advice on this will be MUCH appreciated.

[rappacinisgarden]

Hi, really I don't think u really have the problem...I think it's the other way around! I mean in the first year of a relationship passionate sex is the most logical thing, unless being a workaholic really affects him. But, you know, metntioning about the dating site is kind of suspicious. I get the sensation that he doesn't really and truelly respond you. What kind of love is he giving u? I love you today and not the next minute? That's probably what's causing your attachment; at least it would happen to me in the same position... And let's leave the age part away, it's a minor problem( I mean it could affect you in the sense u don't like the same music, or maturity, but he is 28, not a toddler) here, are you willing to engage in a realtionship not based on trust first; second, where you feel sometimes rejected, etc? You're just starting, if u have to give more time then give it some more time. But, if inside yourself u feel this is not for u and u always feel kind of a btrayment in his responsen then u know think this: I am an independent person first, I'm an independent women second; the decision is mine, and this way your attachment will wear off slowly. it's normal to feel attached, since you're in love and ready to share your life with someone u consider important; u want to comit(my spelling is horrible!) to the other half u love and attachment is a normal response. What I don't see so normal is his reaction, sounds like he doesn't want to or not ready for what it takes to attach for u. And don't worry, u have your own job, right? you have your own life right? And believe me, the first yr it is usually normal to feel passionate... Your worth it, overall.....

[rappacinisgarden]

And one more thing, just in case it crosses your mind: 38 is a good age to find a comitted relationship; you have a lot of time still to be loved. I say this because a friend of mine that's 33 suddenly got married out of the blue because she thinks she's getting old( and longs to have children and all that). Personally I would rather know what I'm running into. Children or whatever come later if I feel like it. Keep looking and have fun first! You are just in the ideal age to find somebody mature enough for you and responds nicely to you, not following his own wims... See u: Rappaccini

I have a cousin who has a very large buisness, its success he says is down to one thing and one thing only, gut instinct, go with it everytime.