[clknia]

I really need some help. My boyfriend of 2 years will not initiate any kind of sexual activity towards me at all. We have sex only when I initiate it. This is a huge problem for me. We have so much fun together we love being with one another and there is no doubt that he loves me but he won't touch me unless I touch him first. It makes me feel like he's not attracted to me or like he just doesn't want me in that way. We have had numerous conversations about it and he tells me that he's usually tired from working all day...he constantly tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and that he wants no one but me but he won't touch me. I don't know what to do about it and its making me very unhappy...its almost like he's scared or nervous but the sex for both of us is so obviously great! He said that he's not used to a woman who wants to have sex as much as I do...he compares me to an 18 year old boy. I need to feel wanted by him and I don't know how else to explain it to him...I get so much attention from other men and I just want it from him...I cry when he's sleep which is usually as soon as he gets home from work and my self esteem is going going gone...he tells me that he will do better and nothing changes...I try to spice things up...I role play wear wigs but nothing seems to make him want me and he knows how I feel...I need some advice

[Bellatrix00]

Hmmm I can definetly understand how that'd be frusterating! But if every other part of your relationship is great, and he tells you you're beautiful.. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Some people are "take charge" types. He just dosen't seem like a take charge kinda guy. I bet he probably dosen't take the lead in making plans either. I can see how it'd make you feel unwanted.. but really.. if he didn't want you, he wouldn't be with you! Noone is forcing him to be with you!

If i were in your position I would maybe just not initiate at all for a while.. That way if he wants it (and he will) he'll need to do some work too!

[bonaire]

It's not that he won't touch you - he will when you initiate. I'm somewhat like that too. There's a lot of baggage that goes along with why I do this. First, I live in what I guess we'd call a sexless marriage. Once a year is about it now. Mid-40s, two great kids, etc. However, the issue I have is I respect that my wife had been raped in college a long time ago and don't want to pressure her for my own personal needs. This is despite marriage being something that is "nurtured" by closeness and intimacy - we are sort-of winding down in this area. Never really were too much into it anyway.

Why would a guy wait for the woman to initiate? It's not her fault. Seriously. He may have a hang-up that hasn't come up yet. Why not go to a therapist to work things out? Mediation can really help delve into deeper situations that just don't come up over a cup of tea between the two of you. Or - how about a sex therapist? They exist and it would definitely be a good thing. However, you mentioned it's your current boyfriend, not husband. He may have memories of another woman in his life that he hasn't let go of yet, maybe a childhood issue or some other hang-up.

For me. I love sex a lot. And you may say "but only once a year". Yes, that is true. My wife and I never had much of an interesting sex life. There is far more to sex than touching and intimate contact. There are hours of talking, feeling out each other's souls, touching each other's brains in terms of chatting about things you love to do together, life experiences, life goals, etc. I look at sex/intimacy like this. Either you're on the same page and jumping in bed at the same time - or there's an issue that needs to be dealt with. Too tired from work? Ask if he's so willing to put out such a physical effort at work - why not take it a bit easy on the job and save some up for you - the important one in his life.

Are you young? Does he have any other friends or co-workers who are chatting him up about his life? Maybe talking about someone they think he should meet? Maybe he's just going through growing pains, peer pressures, other family issues, etc. Talk it out and let him know nicely what you want. If you nag it out of him, he'll not want to do it. Women who nag are just trying to convey their needs but it tends to really irritate men (at least in my opinion). if a woman is yelling at me "hey, you never touch me .... come on!" - this would be a big turn off for me. What I want is someone who is at the same level intellectually and physically. If you have a big difference in life history (he's a taxi driver, you're a medical studen, he's raised on a farm, you've live in cities all your life) - then you may have other incompatibilities that can also get in the way.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. Therapy is probably the easiest way to handle things. Don't be a "victim", however. State what you want - and say it's important. If he's not into giving you what you need in life - you have to decide who you need to be with "for you". Unless he's the man you want to be with the rest of your life (or the next few months) - then you have to own your own future and where you want to go with it.

[deliquesce]

if he is too tired from work, then can you two negotiate something like being free on weekends? or waking up early and doing it before breakfast?

like - being tired from work is a valid excuse. totally. but if that is the only reason, then there are ways around it. if he really does understand that this is an issue for you both, then he might be interested in trying out other ideas.

[ncguynva]

My soon to be ex wife was like this. She found boys that wanted her (yes boys bc they werent men...) but i wont get too much into that...
Coming from somebody on the opposite side of the fence here there could be a couple issues....
My sex drive slowed down ALOT when she kept pressuring me to have kids
Also my parents were not that affectionate and i adopted their ways without realizing it. Could he have alot of stress from work? How long has this been going on?

I understand that he isnt initiating it but have you sat him down and told him what you have told us? My wife sat me down and I told her a few issues I had with her but she didnt work on them. So needless to say it didn't help me out. How could I help her if she wasn't willing to help the root of the problem?? I did try, i wont say fake it, but there was like 2 weeks straight that i just went straight for it once i came home. I did this for two reasons 1. i finally realized that it was a problem 2. maybe if i gave in a lil and initiated it a lil more, she would get motivated to help me out with my issue.
Needless to say it failed.
My advice is to sit him down and ask him why he doesn't initiate it. Tell him not to answer you right away and tell him to think about it for a day or two. That should give him enough time to think about it and maybe he will realize soemthing that you cant see. Best of luck

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by bonaire

It's not that he won't touch you - he will when you initiate. I'm somewhat like that too. There's a lot of baggage that goes along with why I do this. First, I live in what I guess we'd call a sexless marriage. Once a year is about it now. Mid-40s, two great kids, etc. However, the issue I have is I respect that my wife had been raped in college a long time ago and don't want to pressure her for my own personal needs. This is despite marriage being something that is "nurtured" by closeness and intimacy - we are sort-of winding down in this area. Never really were too much into it anyway.

Why would a guy wait for the woman to initiate? It's not her fault. Seriously. He may have a hang-up that hasn't come up yet. Why not go to a therapist to work things out? Mediation can really help delve into deeper situations that just don't come up over a cup of tea between the two of you. Or - how about a sex therapist? They exist and it would definitely be a good thing. However, you mentioned it's your current boyfriend, not husband. He may have memories of another woman in his life that he hasn't let go of yet, maybe a childhood issue or some other hang-up.

For me. I love sex a lot. And you may say "but only once a year". Yes, that is true. My wife and I never had much of an interesting sex life. There is far more to sex than touching and intimate contact. There are hours of talking, feeling out each other's souls, touching each other's brains in terms of chatting about things you love to do together, life experiences, life goals, etc. I look at sex/intimacy like this. Either you're on the same page and jumping in bed at the same time - or there's an issue that needs to be dealt with. Too tired from work? Ask if he's so willing to put out such a physical effort at work - why not take it a bit easy on the job and save some up for you - the important one in his life.

Are you young? Does he have any other friends or co-workers who are chatting him up about his life? Maybe talking about someone they think he should meet? Maybe he's just going through growing pains, peer pressures, other family issues, etc. Talk it out and let him know nicely what you want. If you nag it out of him, he'll not want to do it. Women who nag are just trying to convey their needs but it tends to really irritate men (at least in my opinion). if a woman is yelling at me "hey, you never touch me .... come on!" - this would be a big turn off for me. What I want is someone who is at the same level intellectually and physically. If you have a big difference in life history (he's a taxi driver, you're a medical studen, he's raised on a farm, you've live in cities all your life) - then you may have other incompatibilities that can also get in the way.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. Therapy is probably the easiest way to handle things. Don't be a "victim", however. State what you want - and say it's important. If he's not into giving you what you need in life - you have to decide who you need to be with "for you". Unless he's the man you want to be with the rest of your life (or the next few months) - then you have to own your own future and where you want to go with it.

wow that actually cleared some stuff for me too!

[destined84]

I really feel like your bf really is attracted to you b/c then it probably would never occur (having sex) alot of times my hubby just likes for me to take charge and Im usually the one making the moves. I really dont feel like you have anything to worry about. Have you talked to him and told him that it bothers you?

[prettyjolie]

wow.. This really helped me a lot.. I am nineteen, female, married for 6 months.

anyway.. with my husband, he's always been the one to initiate sex.. i think the only times I've initiated I kind of made a joke of it by like goofing around and stuff. I like having sex, but I'm a little afraid of it.. Maybe this is the case with your bf/husband (sorry, i dont remember after reading all the posts lol). I was raised Catholic.. and not that I am very religious myself, but my family has always tried to tell me that sex is sort of a bad thing. It may not just be the religion, but my family is very conservative I guess about the subject. I never had a sex talk with my mom. I had to figure it out on my own. And my family is very judgemental when it comes to sex.. like if someone has sex outside of marriage (not adultery), then they have less respect for them. Ive never seen my parents kiss or be affectionate.

So I have been taught that sex is bad.

I have only been with my husband.. so this is all kind of new to me. I don't know my body and I am afraid. I believe that most people that come from my type of background have the same problems, though usually women.

Your bf/husband might just not be comfortable with his sexuality. He may be afraid, like I am. Even though he enjoys it, he's scared of initiating it or being obvious that he likes it. Because even though you may not judge him--he might judge himself, like I do.
He is probably insecure. I have low self esteem and I feel fat so it's hard for me to be naked, especially in the light. Maybe he has confidence issues.

Just talk to him. But don't be judgemental about it because he will feel threatened and may not want to be honest with you. I still have to have this talk with my husband.
He's been acting weird lately and this hadn't crossed my mind, that maybe he feels like you do.. unappreciated and unattractive since I don't initiate sex.
Thanks! =D

Good luck and sorry for the looooooooooong post haha.