[mixedup_emotions]

Is this just another way of him disrespecting me? Or does he really, truly not understand?

Here's a recap of our texts for today:

Husband: Are you going out to lunch with coworkers or going home?

Me: Why?

(I end up going home - and he's there. He saw me arrive home, but then did not cross paths the entire time. As he was leaving.....)

Husband: I hope you have a good lunch. I was just asking a simple question and I can't eat meat.

Husband: Gotta go back to the building and I sure do miss the way you used to treat me like at (old job - meaning long time ago).

Me: Things are different now. I miss those days too...but it's not reality.

(an hour passes)

Husband: I know we can have a nice weekend as a family, and we should visit my dad for his b-day and go out with (daughter) somewhere nice.

Me: I don't want to give you false hope and also do not want to have to fake happiness. Maybe you and (daughter) can go?

Husband: We can begin tonight spending time out with (daughter) being civil, respectful and caring.

Me: You don't seem to understand that right now we need to give each other time and space to work on our issues and figure things out.

[mixedup_emotions]

More.....

Husband: Know you have been going across the street to (neighbor's)house for a while because of my ways but I never wanted things to be that way. You chose to do it and I can't say anything about it, but there is no reason why we can't begin change while we deal with the issues.

Me: I am not trying to be difficult. I am trying to explain to you what I need right now. Change does not happen overnight. You pushing me into what you think is right is only making me pull away further. You need to respect my space.

[salukigirl]

first of all im a little concerned as to why youre discussing something serious like this over text messages? you cant get a person's tone, facial expressions etc... through a text and this seems a little too serious to risk losing meaning.

second, it doesnt sound like hes being disrespectful at all. it sounds like he really really wants to try and make things right and he doesn't know how to do that. It sounds like he just wants to spend time with you and try to be civil with you. Its probably very hard to just leave you be when all he wants is to be with you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Ideally, we would be talking in person....and we have.....

I feel as though he is just reacting to the fear of losing his marriage. You don't go years of being controlling and disrespectful - and then turn a switch and it just stop.

I feel as though if I give him an inch, he will take a mile....He has serious OCD issues....anger issues....control issues.....And my daughter has seen way too much negativity in our house because of his actions and behavior. This is a man who when told to stop will NOT stop. He doesn't think before he speaks, even when you ask him to. He says what he wants, when he wants, without any regard for who is listening. He even tried to offer me sexually to our neighbor in exchange for having the neighbor's girlfriend. No respect for me at all.

If you take away all of the control issues, OCD issues and disrespect......I feel as though I will never be happy in this marriage because we have no common interests, can't even hold a conversation together because we are intellectually on such different levels and don't enjoy the same things in life.

I don't know. Maybe things will improve to where I can settle for "good enough".....

[madisgram]

at first i was, why isn't she giving this guy a break???....but then i remembered a gf that had a husband as you describe yours. when she left him she pretended to go to work, came home, and packed up everything-50%. i had asked her when she told me how she was doing this, why???? she told me just what you posted, controlling,etc. she had no life. he later contacted me for support and i was there for him but guess what? he was exactly as she described. i finally had to give him my own ultimatum with our friendship cause this man wouldn't leave me alone...phone calls, coming over unannounced when i asked him to call first, etc.
so i guess i'll leave this for you to decide or for feedback from others here at pc. if i hadn't experienced this with my gf's ex i wouldn't have known such ppl existed...it's so foreign to me.you've lived it so you're the best person to know, imo.

[salukigirl]

well if he does all of these things the simple answer is "leave him" but i understand thats much easier said than done and these situations are complicated. but coming from one of those typical dysfunctional families with the cheating and abusive father, and going through 2 divorces (as the child of course) i can tell you i would be WAY more screwed up if my parents had stayed together. Im pretty glad they split up because I don't think I could have been around all that negativity for another 10 years until I moved out.

[madisgram]

you may want to do what your signature says "...leave a trail"...settling for less may not be the best solution for you. hope you'll let us know how u're doing.