[SweetCrusader]

So I was talking to my mom today, and she was telling me about her dating life, and she said "maybe I shouldn't talk to you about this since you're my daughter."

Now I'm wondering, what's "normal" for parent-child relationships after the child is an adult? I think my mom and I were kinda enmeshed when I was a child, so I don't think the relationship was normal. I don't know how things are supposed to be when you're an adult, though. Do you relate more as equals? Do the rules change as to what the parent can share?

I plan to ask my T, but I would like your input too, please. I"m sorta still new to this "adult" thing

Thanks!
Angela

[kimmydawn]

angela, i think this is a toughie. i don't have a healthy relationship with the mother here, but i would like to answer according to my relationship with my own daughters as they've grown into adults.

i share more with them, yes, as they've grown. i try to not talk to them about anything that might make them feel that they have a responsibility towards me. to answer this, i think it depends on the individual relationship...what it was for the child and how it's developed. what may be "average" for one relationship, may not be for the next.

having said that, i think boundary line should be drawn on anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. if it's uncomfortable for you to hear something from her, then i think you should heed that and set boundaries for that particular discussion. am i making ANY type of sense? i feel like i'm rambling today...

love,

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Angie --

I'm not qualified to answer as a "mother" -- and I'm a middle-aged daughter. My mother was very formal when I was growing up. When I was in college -- probably sharing boyfriend problems -- she asked me not to confide in her, explaining, "You're from the let-it-all-hang-out generation. I'm from the stiff-upper-lip generation. You want me to respect your values, now I'm asking you to respect mine."

So personal sharing -- no, that's been at a minimum, though it has gotten better as I've gotten older.

To the point that my research has involved "cultural studies" I can say this:

Television seems to have broken down barriers between what some sociologists call "front stage" and "back stage" life. We see this in tell-all talk shows and "reality" TV where nothing is private and personal anymore. The portable camera has brought the public eye where it used not to be able to go -- literally. When one had to set up heavy cameras on podiums, large lights, and miles of cables to film something, the preparations ensured that what was captured on film was "staged."

Or, if you are familiar with the early years of Hollywood, "stars" never went out without their makeup. Rock Hudson married a studio secretary to hide his gayness from the public. The press corps did not reveal JFK's sexual peccadilloes.

This breakdown between "front stage" and "back stage" -- or public and private -- has extended into the family. Matters that used to be deemed "too sensitive" or innappropriate for young ears are now all out in the open. As well, society has become increasingly informal as front stage/back stage breaks down.

The high divorce rate also has changed relationships between parents and children. Many of the television programs reflect, I think, this openness between parents and children. Certainly it seems to me that young adults are more adult, responsible, and cynical than I was at a similar age. However, I was very sheltered by strict parents even for the late 1950s-early 60s.

And boy did I rebel, but that's another story.

In sum, Angie, I can't tell what"s normal. And I'm not sure that anyone knows. Society has been changing very rapidly amidst the technological changes, and in my opinion, the dust hasn't settled yet.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Kimmy -- Yes, I think that's good advice -- to set the boundary at where the conversation makes one uncomfortable. That's what my mother did with me. I felt hurt that she didn't want to know more about my life -- but I understood the need to respect her values.

I think that's what Angela was getting at. Very practical. Sorry about the sociological synopsis.

[Poppet]

Hi Sweet crusader,

I think that as adults we are all so different from one another - this is why i believe there is no set way for us to be. Also, this is a huge and very interesting subject so whether I can express myself ok, I'm not sure.

There is an ideal parent (mum or dad) that is different for everyone, we all want/need different things.
But how many of us get it ? Has anyone got it, even ?

You recognise that you and your mum were enmeshed and that wasn't quite 'right' and I think that by asking your questions there will be a lot of answers but no one definitive answer. I can tell a bit about mine to add into the pot.

I class my mum as a friend but she is also more than that. I am happy with our relationship apart from one thing - which I find difficult to understand sometimes.
She is not really interested in issues relating to the mind (both me suffering from and studying and working in that area) - which is, like, a huge part of me.
Having said that, the qualities of a good girl friend are there - we both like clothes, tv shows, chatting. She is always there if I am upset, and I trust her.

As for my dad, a long story, but he is not interested in me. But I feel that he does care, deep down. He is trustworthy but I find conversation very difficult with him.

I find it hard to see myself as an 'adult' also, and a 'woman' - get outta here ! So much of how we see ourselves comes from what we see and hear from parents reflected back at us - its a life time journey to be you and get the relationships how you want them ( or accept them as they are and let go of yearning for what you may never get ).

Relating more as equals with my mum is definitely true for me, but with my dad it may never happen.

I feel ok talking about partners with her but I think (personal opinion only) that conversations about sex with a parent are not quite appropriate. Its ok if the daughter/son is worried, maybe needs to know about 'birds and bees' stuff. But it feels dodgy to me if a parent were to talk about their sex life with their son/daughter.

My partner has a daughter aged 18 and mild references to her sex life have been made in jokes by him - I feel a bit uncomfortable about that, but they are close and it is a healthy relationship - something that seems odd to me, cos I don't have that with my dad.

I hope my waffle makes a bit of sense, I really think its also about getting to learn what you feel comfortable with and feeling strong enough to keep the boundaries you want - this can be so hard to do, I do not want to minimise it at all. Can take years - hopefully you and your T can work on this.

nice to speak to you.........take care, Poppet

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Poppet and Angie --

Poppet, I like the point you made about everyone having an "ideal" parent -- and does anyone ever get it. I'll be all of us have admired a friend's mother, made a comment about how great she was, and had our friend respond with a comment ranging from lukewarm to negative. It's one thing to be a "guest mom" and another to have to deal with the nitty gritty of raising one's kid.

Boy, I agree with you about being uncomfortable with sexual remarks passing between father and daughter. I felt uncomfortable just reading it. Guess I'm old-fashioned in that respect.

Hope this quest is helping you, SweetCrusader.

[SpazKatt]

My mom shares more as I grow and get older

[h0kie]

I think we're from the same generation Angie...and the older I get, the closer I am with my mom. I think it all depends on what the two of you are comfortable with. If she is comfortable sharing with you (and you are with sharing with her) then go for it. I can tell my mom pretty much anything.

She whines about my dad and I whine about my hubby. It's nice knowing I have someone to talk to.

[SweetCrusader]

This is very interesting, everyone! I am giving a lot of thought to what all of you have said. Thanks so much!!! I hope more comments will come, too.

Some very good points were made. I like what kd says about level of comfort, and also what wants says about generations being different because of technology. Poppet, I also like the thought that what makes an idea parent is different for each of us.

1day, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you? I think I imagined you as older than you are, if we are in the same generation.

Thanks everyone!!!
Angela

[h0kie]

lol...I turned 24 in August. People have thought I was older than I am since I was 10. I used to get all kinds of prizes from those people at amusement parks that guess your age. They were always waaaaaaaaaaaay off.

[SweetCrusader]

Well I've never seen your pic, but I just thought you were older! lol!

Yeah, we're the same generation! You are very mature!!!! I really thought all this time you were like middle-aged!

I'll be 23 in a few weeks

[h0kie]

I haven't posted a pic. Working up to it. Maybe someday.

I've always acted older than my age. In fact, I remember going to church camp in 6th grade. I spent the entire week with the counselors. I hated being around the kids my age.

There weren't a lot of kids around in my fam when I was young. I am the youngest girl of the grandkids/cousins. Only my brother is younger.