[ihateit]

Hi all again!

Ok, I'm back with more questions heh...

My wife at the moment, and throughout our marriage, has gone into what I call droughts of intimacy. Early in her childhood another child, a bit older (they both weren't even 8 yet), raped her. I was the first one she ever told, and this was when we were in our mid 30s, we are now 40 and 41, I am 41). I understand how this can affect one, you do one of two things, you become (later in life) sexually promiscuous (glad it's not that one!), or you become shut down sexually (not good either, but better this than her cheating on me all the time). PTSD is not a major factor. Her T won't labe her that as she doesn't have enough "symptoms" of PTSD, only a few. She also has schizoid tendancies, not full blown by any means, but she will shut down, put up a wall and not want anything to do with anyone.

This seems to come and go. Her feeling are she can do without sex, doesn't need it. Being married, and personally thinking it's the greatest way to show you love someone (it's not the whole marriage no, but it's a big part of it, at least imho), this is becoming a concern. I personally love to make love to her. I know this sounds stupid, duh, doesn't everyone? No...she doesn't. She went two years without sex or even self pleasure, and wasn't bothered. In our relationship we would go for up to 4 weeks without it, and what I call a Pitty #*($ would happen because she would feel sorry for me. Which, really, is it worth it, she's not into it, and no, not all sex is good, the old pizza addage isn't true.

She's seeing a T, but I am not sure he's working with her correctly. She went to him because of this, and they haven't talked about it yet.

We have talked, we have had major problems as of late, not related to this directly, and are now just getting back on track with our marriage and lives. But lacking still in the intimacy area, it's been 3 weeks since we made love, and that was one of the pitty &*($ I received. Real love making hasn't happened in about 6 months...we would on average have sex once every week...or so.

So, I told her, it's up to you, when you're ready, I will be here. No arguments, no fights, it's not the whole marriage, and things will be ok again. Of course I am frustrated beyond belief, I look at her and ... well you know. So I am venting, and also asking if anyone has been through this and if they are now "better". It hurts when someone says I love you but I have no desire, when to me the love you feel is expressed most deeply when making love.

I don't push her, don't ask, don't talk about it, like I said, I have left it up to her and she's in control of this, she knows that.

Now with the schizoid tendancies, she doesn't wanna talk sometimes, this time she waited so long to talk our marriage almost fell apart. One T told me to leave her alone and when she's ready she'll talk...well, I know her like a book, when something's wrong I can see it, so I ask is everything ok, if I get an, "I don't know answer", I leave it at that, she really doesn't know sometimes, sometimes I can say bull and she will talk. I hate that, but I deal with it because that's how she is, but is this "fixable"? Communicatoin is #1 in my book to keeping up a great relationship, it's hard when someone doesn't want to talk.

Thanks guys!

[turquoisesea]

Hey, just wanted to say I read this, not sure exactly what to say, but a few things.

communication is huge. but it can be so hard sometimes.
Other thing, is that with sex, guys and girls automatically look at it in different ways. I'm glad you view it as an expression of love, call it making love, that's so good. So many guys don't so seeing that really makes me happy
For me... making love is just that... making love, it HAS to have the emotional link... and in a weird way... that link can be there without the physical action of sex. So, for me I probably wouldn't have such a problem if we didnt share sex together, and since my body isn't yelling at me to have it all the time like a guy's body is, it wouldn't be so bad. I dont feel any less connected from my boyfriend if we haven't had sex in a day, or a week. I'm sorry it's so frustrating. I just... wanted you to keep hold of the fact that girls DON'T always need it as much, and I'm hoping you can also see, that the connection can still be there. I'm so glad you're giving her the time she needs, but I do hope you two can keep communications open its so important.
Being raped - I can't imagine, it's going to be so scarring, mybe that's something you have to work through with her...

I hope my jumbled thoughts made some sense... i'm not sure they make complete sense even to me but I hope they help somehow

but regardless, good luck, hoping all goes well

[ihateit]

Thanks!

I have heard it both ways, the wife complaining because the husband doesn't want to make love, and visa-versa, but I have never heard anyone say they just plain old don't need that kind of intimacy.

I don't view it as a lie. Like I said there have been times when we would go through periods where everything was fine, 3 or 4 times a week, if not more...then the "droughts". So I know she needs it, it's just during these times I get so frustrated.

Now that she finally brought it to the attn of her T, and he's not doing anything ... I wonder about him. He has so far shown less than what I would call knowledgeable help. Maybe I read too much, or whatever, but there are things I know that apparently when my wife brings them up he doesn't. I can't be her T, even in everyday conversation if I say something, and she doesn't quite believe, and she hears it somewhere else she'll be like oh ok. I'll say I said that, and she'll say I needed validation. Whatever, so I leave the T to do his thing, but I feel instead of asking the right questions, he just treats the symptoms, well...there it is I guess...

Being that she has schizoid tendancies, talking is just not something she does (about her feelings). She can come home from work and talk up a storm about what happened that day, then completly shut down for the rest of the night, talking only when talked to. So, I have to do a lot of talking. This is frustrating, because I have the need to talk things out, let my feelings out, and like I said, she can and has shut down so much that our marriage almost fell apart. Willing to risk everything because she's affraid to talk? I dont' get it...I understand the diagnosis, and I try hard to read up and learn what I can, but it's hard to deal with, I love her so much, so I deal with it...when she lets you in, you can see how beautiful she is inside, and this isn't an ongoing thing either...it comes and goes, so when marital problems do arise, it's hard to deal with her not talking. *Shrug* guess I am rambling, but where else can I ramble?

[turquoisesea]

you're more than welcome to rant here
it's good to get feelings out that way, which is on reason I worry about her from what i hear. I don't know schizoid tendancies.... but, I've seen for the most part holding in emotions causes so many problems, I hope the T is talking with her about it. Honestly, no idea about the T... could be a useless T (i've seen those before) also could be that he's starting on a level lower than what you're thinking, going for something different... who knows?

Best you can do is maybe ask her if she thinks its helping and consider getting a new one if he doesnt seem to help. I wish it were easier to judge a T as bad or good... there's no standard... and even if there was it's so based on if you get alone with the T or not - and how open you are with that T (maybe the hardest part sometimes, at least for me)

Sometimes T's think they need to deal with the sympotms first - I think maybe getting at root of troubles is MUCH better, but again, i don't know the T, I don't know her

I hope all goes well, keep posting, ranting is GOOD, and you're more than welcome here
(seriously, join the club )