[nostoc]

I have been involved with a woman for the past 16 years, the last 8 we have lived together with her 15 year old daughter. Our relatinship has not been the strongest, but we stayed together for the benefit of her child (not mine biologically, but I consider her mine since I have been there all of her life). We have had problems communicating feelings, but never had a problem with intimacy. Since March, she has been playing The Sims Online and late last month I was told they were moving. I have since found out they are moving to another state to live with a man she met on the game and has never met in real life. She is quitting her job, quitting school and leaving all of their friends and support behind. She is also having a number of cyberaffairs, which she does not consider to be cheating. I am concerned for the safety of both mom and child with them moving away to be with someone with no prospect for work and with a child who has been at risk of dropping out of school this past year. She denies she has a problem and even jokes about the possibility of this guy killing them and buring them in his garden! She spens 14+ hours a day on the computer and I am being shut out when I try to help. I have resisted cutting off the Internet of the possibility of repercussions and further distancing from me. I am considering taking legal action to protect the child and get mom some help. I would like to hear from others who have been in this situation so I may keep an open perspective on the situation. Thanks, Anthony

[nostoc]

Follow-up:

My biggest hurdle in this situation is to get my SO some help for the Internet addiction. She has refused any suggestions to seek counseling and her family is just not providing the support needed to help me with this. She is angry with me and starting to feel resentment as she feels I am trying to control her and interfere with her plans to move. She cannot understand the concept that moving away to another state to live with a man she has only known for less than 60 days of online chatting is a serious safety risk. She is asking her online friends who are supporting her to make the move, although some of them are suggesting she take steps to protect herself and her daughter. I could understand a visit for a few days to check things out, but to pull up and move away from a stable job, nursing school and her friends and family is not a safe thing to do. Her family called yesterday morning and told her I had spoken to them. She now feels even more resentment and has finally displayed some anger to me, which she has not done in a long time. She says she feels anger for me for a number of issues, but she never displayed it nor resolved it with me. I cut the Internet yesterday afternoon after she blew up on the premise that I was moving to a new apartment (which I am as I cannot stay in the current apartment and keep it together once they are gone). Hopefully, going without it for the next three weeks will give her some time to bgin seeing clearly. I know she will seek out other Internet access, but at least there will be no access to The Sims Online for her and her daughter. I accept a share of the cause in this situation as I know she is depressed and feels the need to get away to a fresh start. I have felt the need to do the same, but I am also very willing to seek counseling for us to resolve the cause of our feelings and to try to salvage a 16 year relationship. I understand Internet addiction is as serious as a drug or alcohol addiction and withdrawl will soon occur which I expect to live through hell the next few weeks. I wanted to post this follow-up to provide some additional information on the situation and to again ask if anyone else is battling this or has battled this to please contact me. Thanks, Anthony

[Zenobia]

Dear Anthony,
I became addicted to a relationship I had on-line. It was a symptom of my problems at home. I could not speak to my husband about the inner me. I had hidden parts of my life so deeply and just couldn't bear for him to find out about them because I felt they made me an awful person. On-line I could talk about these things that had been eating me up for years and years. On-line I was free from the fear of seeing that look that gets on people's face when they think what I have done and had done to me is distasteful. I needed to talk, I had tried to get into therapy 2 times but was dumped by both therapists making it even more obvious to me that I could not possibly tell anyone I knew about what happened because even therapists couldn't stand to look at me. So when I got on-line suddenly I could talk about all this stuff, about being raped and abused, about what I did to cope with it. It felt good to be able to talk about this toxic muck that was filling my being. I met a guy who would listen and would tell me about his muck. He was always there to tell me what a wonderful person I was even though I had done these things. It was extremely addicting for me.

The thing is it is not real and that is what makes it so dangerous. People can get on-line when they feel like it. In real life you have to deal with the person even when you don't feel like it. People on-line can give themselves a persona that is what the other person wants more then anything but that persona may not be real. But when you are addicted reality mixes with fantasy and it becomes impossible to tell the two apart.

When my husband found out it drove me over the edge. I either had to loose my husband or loose the one outlet for the toxicity of my inner being. Neither loss was acceptable. I totally lost touch with reality and ended up having to go to the hospital because I had a complete, severe mental breakdown. I am fortunate though. My husband was devoted to me and gave me the time to wean myself off the internet relationship even though that relationship tore him apart. I also got hooked up with a therapist who was willing to take me on. I found out that I was BPD and now wonder if that is why the other two dumped me since there are a lot of therapists who do not want to deal with people with this mental illness. The relationship with my T eventually became my new outlet for these feelings and he taught me how to express this stuff to my husband. Even so it took me over year to gain enough trust in him and my ability to express my feelings to my husband to finally be able to break the tie between me and the guy on-line. It is a hard thing to do. If my husband had forced me to end contact in one blow I probably would have killed myself or at least tried. I was severely suicidal through that whole period of my life.

I hope this helps.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos

[nostoc]

Thanks you both Carrie and Ian. I appreciate your comments and they are very helpful. Carrie, I thought I had replied earlier, but it looks like the post didn't make it. Ian, I really appreciate hearing from you also as I suspect the same thing in there being a covert motive for this guy encouraging the move. I will post updates as the move approaches and in the event they do move, what happens once they get there. Anthony