Finally. I can say what I needed to say

Some of you know who I am, I've been a member for a few years. I had another name at one time.

Anyway, there has been so much I've been needing to release to people who won't judge me, but I have been nervous ever since my ex came across this website and printed very secretive things I never meant for him to see. Pretty messed up, I know.

Briefly, I am still seperated from my ex and still living with my boyfriend who was once my best friends husband. Their in the process of divorce. I have my 4 and 5 year olds half of the time. For the most part my ex and I are pretty decent when it comes to the children. We both agree that it's about them now and no longer about the two of us. Thank gah too, because it was an ugly split up with a lot of drama and pain. We're finally at peace.

I've been living with my now boyfriend for about 8 months now. I love him BUT....(there comes that stupid "BUT" again) he's not everything I thought he was originally. I am a fool everytime. Why?

I love him, I really do. He's fun, sexy, random, crazy...everything I wanted. Of course, the other side was recently revealed to me though. He has a deep pitted ball of anger and hatred I never even suspected he had. He sometimes pulls the same **** my ex does and makes me feel guilty and "bad" for being some certain way. I learned this in the worse of ways too, with a deck to my face while I was driving down the highway. I nearly ran my car off the road. I'm still sporting a shiner from that, so it's still fresh in my mind. How I've thought of him has changed and I feel kinda betrayed. I thought he'd never hurt me like my ex did, instead he hurt me worse. Not even my ex would have decked me in the face like that, he would have decked me in the arms or legs instead.

Than to make it worse (after all it was Valentines day), the next day he told me he didn't love me and that I was a horrible woman, horrible like his adultrous, abusive, alcoholic wife. Which, btw, I am not even close to any of those.

All I keep doing to myself is making these mistakes over and over. I am NOT a bad woman, I am for the most part a very loving and caring woman. I try..... What the **** else am I supposed to do? Yield myself, allow these men to mold who I am or who I am supposed to be? Nobody will ever love me for me and in this I am beginning to lose myself, I forget who I am anymore.

Sorry so looooooooong, but it's been a while.

(((youOme)))))))))))) no one, not anyone deserves to be hit...
Im sorry things are going so hard for you right now.
Please remember it was his choice to hit you
take care of you
muffy

youOme, i know you will be ok, youve been through a lot and now you are coming here, expressing yourself, getting it out (how you feel) so that others can hear and understand, see inside you and see that you are not an evil 'bad' person for any reason that can be shown, at any time of your life, from then til now... you are a woman who is emerging into her true self and making decisions that the woman who stands in the mirror is not the faded, wrinkly, guarded self that you previously imagined.. there has been a princess inside all along

Thanks soooo much, I know you are one of the ones who've been here since I came to PC and I have grown, from a 19 year old girl to a 23 year old young woman....that was so sweet, made me feel good. Thank you!

((((( Des ))))) I'm so sorry things are not turning out like you'd hoped. You've been through a lot, and you deserve happiness.... not to be beat on and abused (whether it be physically or mentally). Maybe he's be willing to see a therapist or a counselor or something? Is that a possibility? I just hope you can get things worked out to where you are safe from any type of harm. You are worth SO much more than that. Oh, this is MentalPollution (Jenn), btw.... just changed my name.

hey there, I don't know you very well but erm

that's just wrong. Unless you cheated on him, hit him over the head with a huge club, got drunk and like... jumped him or something?

erm, just no

doesn't sound healthy that he called you that... sorry that he did

wish i knew more what to say but ... wanted to let you know, just because he says these things does not make them true.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but a man should NEVER hit a woman, seriously. You don't deserve to be treated like this, and to top it off he does what he did on V-Day!?!?! He verbally and physcially abuses you, there's no questions to ask, just time to move on, leave.

Give time for your wounds to heal and remember that none of this was your fault! Someone out there, who will love you for who YOU are, who won't try to change you, is waiting for you, and you'll find it. As cliche as it might sound, I find it to be true.

GL and God Bless!

Wb YouOme, long time no see.

You have no choice in my book but to leave him ! What if he hits you in front of the children ? Or even worse hits them ?

Ps Hows the dog getting on ?

I've been pretty much where you are nd I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm so glad, though to see you posting here, where you will recieve support. All the things you have been through in the past has strengthend you; you know in your heart what you need to do and you are strong enough to say that you don't deserve this and neiher do your kids.

youOme, ive only responded to you a few times and i was away for a lengthy time, but i noticed you when i came back and i remember thinking that you are exceptional in many ways, and familiar in many ways as well.. i work with a lot of under-priveledged and 'unfortunate' teens and youth.. i see the struggle they are facing in todays world and i see in them a character of goodness, if only they are given a fighting chance.. you are proof of my belief that goodness dwells in the most unlikely places.. dump the abuser

Yeah, I agree that my options totally blow right now....I'm on a tightrope here.


My DOG...well, sadly sooooooooo sadly to say, my poor baby died of parvo...... It was horrible, I never loved a dog like her.

*hugs* I'm sorry about your dog

I agree with everyone. I can't deny what's right, even if it does hurt. I'm feeling the way I did with my ex on a daily basis, like pure caca, like I'm just the worse type of *****. I'm trying to cool my demeaner, because I'll admit, I can run my mouth like a mean drunken sailor. I tend to have that verbally abusive edge. My Mom was very verbally abusive to us kids and I seem to take my anger out on the men involved in my life, verbally. I DO have some responsibility here....BUT it does NOT justify him for wussy popping me in the face while I was driving down the highway. I believe the same as most of you and that is a woman should never be hit by a man, physically men are much stronger than women, especially upper body. What's worse about my incident is I didn't have the chance to block my face, see it coming, or hit the sonva ***** back. It was shisty.

With my ex I did blow a lot out the back, because I would constantly tell myself that I was in a dysfunctional marriage.... but I had two children with this man, 6 years under our belt. But with my now boyfriend, there's no obligation other than a apartment. That's it....no kids, no years.....just a bunch of drunken times and awesome sex. That's it.

I think I should sit down with him and discuss what it is we are wanting from this relationship and if we should continue on this way. If he's unhappy and I'm unhappy, than what the hell is the use.......

Thanks... The time I did get with her was awesome though..she was the schnizzle.

(youOme))))))))))))))))))))))))) so sorry about your dog

you said ((BUT it does NOT justify him for wussy popping me in the face while I was driving down the highway)))))))))))))))))))
There is never a justifacation for hitting anyone. Let alone in the face while driving. Let alone anytime in the face.
You never ever deserved it ..ever
Years ago I was with a person who hit me lots in the face. His fav spot.
Lots of times the ears. I guess he felt it was hidden then. Many times in the Jaw. '
If you can walk away......He's not showing you love .

You are worth so much more. No one ever should be hit
sending you caring thoughts and know i care
muffy

Hello youOme,

I don't know you. You don't know me. Today he hit you, tomorrow it might be your children.

You say you and your ex are doing right by the children...can you have a conversation with him about getting away from this bully?

Sorry you lost your dog, hope you don't lose anything else you love.

notz

hitting is not healthy, either giving or receiving ((You)))) you can change your future now