[curiousgirl71]

Here is my dilemma. I love sex, touch, and physical and verbal intimacy. I have been living with my bf for a year and a half and he can barely say "I love you" in person (he writes it in cards) and never initiates verbal praise, compliments or physical intimacy. The only time he tells me he thinks I am beautiful is in cards.

I try to initiate lovemaking, and he rebuffs me. He is never in the mood. He won't even let me give him a no strings attached bj. We have sex less than once every six weeks. The current count is nine weeks, and the time that we had sex before that lasted five minutes. Normally he lasts 15-25 min.

Prior to our relationship I had an adventurous sex life. I enjoyed variety and experimentation. But in order to make this relationship work, I would accept ordinary sex once a week. He has no idea what lovemaking is, and is not interested in becoming educated regarding it.

In his youth, he says he had more than 50 one night stands (we have both been tested for STDs prior to our relationship) We are both 37. He says that in the latter years, he just hasn't been interested. He says the one night stands were more of a conquest and bragging rights thing than a drive thing. He says sex brings him little pleasure.

He has phimosis-- his foreskin will not retract. He sometimes complains that it hurts him after sex, yet he is not at all interested in doing anything about it.

He never initiates sex. He is a terrible tease, in that he shows affection by teasing but never complimenting me.

He touches me, but often only after I am hurting emotionally from the lack of touch. Even then, his sexual touching is more like teasing, and not really sexual. He will jiggle the boobs and my belly (which makes me feel self concious about the belly) and will pat at my vjj as if it were a dog. I have learned to short circuit my turn on because I feel very cranky when I go into a sexual desire mode that is never satisfied.

I have approached him about it often, but he seems to be disinterested in making any change or growth in this area. I have almost left twice now. He begged me to stay.

He does work long hours, which probably doesn't help. I would like him to go see a dr about it, but that seems to be out of the question.

He is even resistant to taking B6, zinc, DHEA or anything natural that might improve his drive. And the B6 would help with his carpal tunnel syndrome and his gout, but he still resists.

I love him, and I know he loves me. I just don't know if he loves me enough to take steps to grow with me in this area. I am his first long term relationship, so I do allow for that, but it is very hard not to take these things personally and to heart.

He is a really generous and fun to be with other than these issues.

Any feed back?

[bonaire]

Explain your needs to him in an open way. If it's important to you - it has to be out in the open that you will need things from him. He has to be responsible for his part of the relationship.

I'm also someone who loves sex. But in my marriage, it's not just part of it. We have sex about once a year. You may be looking at that type of future with him if things continue. Were you guys thinking about getting married? If so, you have to work it out or else it will become something that will irritate you ongoing.

His 50 ONS's as he was younger probably just destimulated him from sex. About the worst sex-partner you would want is a porn-actor. Second would be someone who had a lot (though 50 is probably not a lot) of sexual partners. You want your sex to "mimic" your real life together. If you you have fun outside of sex, your sex should also be fun. Your cooking together should be fun. Your commute to work together should be fun. If it doesn't and you have a "he is the one" relationship - then go to a sex therapist and also a medical doctor and work this out.

[bebop]

I could have written your post. I too am very frustrated. no wise words but just know you are not alone hon.

[curiousgirl71]

I guess I am spoiled as I was married for 15 years to a man that had a similar libido to mine.
My ex husband and I had sex at least three times a week over the 15 years. I married him at eighteen and we were both virgins. He was interested, attentive, and adventurous in bed. Plus he loved me so it was very intense.
He ended our marriage out of the blue one day. I still don't know why but I have stopped wasting mental energy trying to figure it out. It took me several years to move on and start a new life. My ex and I are still friends, as we have two kids together, but I have no sexual feelings for him now. He is more like a brother now.
But the sad thing is my bf also feels like a brother. To me this is not a romantic relationship. I want that passion again.

[Rhapsody]

Many of us women are having the same problem with our men once they hit around 40 (and over) - and the best advice I can give as a woman that has been there and is there still - is to enjoy the sexual moments when they occur and to not push for more than he is able to give... either due to low testosterone, tiredness or emotions.

I have learned to take matters into my "own hands" and I invested in a few good adult toys that help me out on those days when I am wanting and he is still fulfilled from our sexual time together a week ago.

[ihateit]

Well, I don't speak for every man over 40, but I am over 40, and I would love to make love to my wife two or three times a day...unfortunate circumstances have us in a no intimacy mode, but that will change...if you are healthy and take care of yourself, your sex drive will stay pretty dang good. I suggest that if any of you are having problems with your husbands (I always had the opposite lol), talk to them, low libido, erectile dysfunction, etc., could also be linked to serious health problems.

[JS1scuba]

Get a new boyfriend. Since you have no children together the break out will be easy. The work you will have to put into this to get it to work the way you want sexually will take years if at all. Combine that with the physical pain he has and wont do the surgery to correct it means this is just a dead end street. 18 months is a long time.

I've been on the reverse side of this and after a while you will just become resentful, hurt, rejected and feel inadequate.

Get your house in order and go looking.

Cheers
JDS