[GirlieMama123]

Trying to find the good in my relationship. I am a 25 yr old girl currently pursuing a degree in nursing. My BF is 34 with no kids. I don't know how it works, but we are complete opposites. I am very outgoing, bubbly and love to meet new people. Because of this I have a lot of friends. He on the other hand, does not have 1 friend outside of work. His life revolves around going to work, coming home and watching TV. He likes to isolate and be socially withdrawn, he says that is because of his job (he is a casino host). Which I understood in the beginning, but now I think it is starting to affect our relationship.

Although I know that he loves me, he is not affectionate at all, nor does he ever compliment me. To make a long story short, he wasn't raised with affection. Both his mother and stepfather are extremely critical and unaffectionate towards each other. His stepfather taught him to never cry or show emotion. Aside from when he is returning an "i love you" (once i have already said it) they only other way for him to express how he feels is when we make love.

THATS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES. I am always the one to initiate sex. I always have to get him stimulated, and when we have sex it is always the way that he wants it. I don't know what it feels like to be wanted or touched. I cannot tell you how agonizing it is to lay next to someone night after night and not be touched, caressed or fondled. It has been like this for about a year. When I brong it up sometimes he agrees with me and things get better but only for a short time. He masturbates everyday to internet pornography, I have caught him on numerous occasions, even in the middle of the night while I am upstairs!

I don't even know if this relationship is worth continuing. HE THINKS I AM CRAZY AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM.

PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. I AM IN TEARS AS I m writing this.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by GirlieMama123

PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.
I AM IN TEARS AS I m writing this.

((( HUGS ))) ~ ~ ((( HUGS )))

I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but I have been married to the same man for the last 23 years and he sounds a lot like your bf and our relationship has become just like yours and time has not made it any better.

If you are able to I would suggest that you move on with someone that shares more of your ideals and zest for life... and while the change will hurt right now I promise it will feel better in the long run - when you meet a man that gives as much as he takes from a relationship... Your True Soul Mate.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by GirlieMama123

Trying to find the good in my relationship. I am a 25 yr old girl currently pursuing a degree in nursing. My BF is 34 with no kids. I don't know how it works, but we are complete opposites. I am very outgoing, bubbly and love to meet new people. Because of this I have a lot of friends. He on the other hand, does not have 1 friend outside of work. His life revolves around going to work, coming home and watching TV. He likes to isolate and be socially withdrawn, he says that is because of his job (he is a casino host). Which I understood in the beginning, but now I think it is starting to affect our relationship. My wife and I are total opposites as well. But reverse it, I'm the outgoing one, she's the introverted one. Comes home from work and watches TV, doesn't want to go out that much. Yet, she does make an effort to go places because of the kids.

Although I know that he loves me, he is not affectionate at all, nor does he ever compliment me. To make a long story short, he wasn't raised with affection. Both his mother and stepfather are extremely critical and unaffectionate towards each other. His stepfather taught him to never cry or show emotion. Aside from when he is returning an "i love you" (once i have already said it) they only other way for him to express how he feels is when we make love. My wife was brought up in the same situation, as was I, I chose one route, to never let the ones I love feel left out, unloved, not cared for, to give them all the love and cuddles and tell them how proud of them I am all the time, where as my wife is more distant with them, but will give hugs and kisses when she feels. I have only ever had 1 compliment from her, but I understand her, and it doesn't bother me. I on the other hand compliment her a lot, and always get the ppbbtthh (tongue out and all hehe). Doesn't stop me tho. This doesn't mean he doesn't think about you in that way, just that perhaps he can't verbalize it.

THATS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES. I am always the one to initiate sex. I always have to get him stimulated, and when we have sex it is always the way that he wants it. I don't know what it feels like to be wanted or touched. I cannot tell you how agonizing it is to lay next to someone night after night and not be touched, caressed or fondled. I know what this is like, and yes, it's agony...it really is hard, to have someone you love next to you and that is all, they are just there. It has been like this for about a year. When I brong it up sometimes he agrees with me and things get better but only for a short time. He masturbates everyday to internet pornography, I have caught him on numerous occasions, even in the middle of the night while I am upstairs! I caught my wife no less than three times (she has admitted to doing it more than that) doing this (no internet, just in bed when I wasn't there), twice after, she had left damning evidence and admitted to it, and once striaght up caught her, she tried to lie, but I'm not blind and she finally admitted to it. What I learned from this was she didn't want or need the intimacy of making love, but did need the pleasure. I will explain more, it's not that she didn't/doesn't love me. At the time, she was going through some of her "issues", she needed "sex", but no intimacy, didn't want that closeness at the time. Her needs were not mine. This did cause major problems, until my T helped explain what was up, I get it now, and as frustrating and upsetting as it was, I understand.

I don't even know if this relationship is worth continuing. HE THINKS I AM CRAZY AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. Yes, he has a problem...

PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME. I AM IN TEARS AS I m writing this.

Ok, you've seen my quotes. My wife is anti-social, doesn't like ppl, and I have no clue how I even got close to her. She, imho, was out of my league, but I gave it a shot and we did really hit it off. The problems we have are psychological (we both have one form of anxiety DX'd, mine's diff, by far from hers, but we both have our problems). I feel your B/F does have some psychological problems as well (growing up in a home like that would set bells off in any therapist). I would, if you want this relationship to last and be ok, encourage him to go to a T. Bascially, the thing I hate to do but have done, go see a therapist or I'm outta here.

If he keeps insisting there is nothing wrong with him, I wouldn't stay, you have a long full life ahead of you, you're not tied by marriage (not that I am "tied", I really truly love my wife as much if not more than the day we got married).

God bless and GL!

[GirlieMama123]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

((( HUGS ))) ~ ~ ((( HUGS )))

I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but I have been married to the same man for the last 23 years and he sounds a lot like your bf and our relationship has become just like yours and time has not made it any better.

If you are able to I would suggest that you move on with someone that shares more of your ideals and zest for life... and while the change will hurt right now I promise it will feel better in the long run - when you meet a man that gives as much as he takes from a relationship... Your True Soul Mate.

I can't even get him to go see a therapist with me. He just bought a brand new house and I am living with him for about $300 a month since I only work part time and thats all I can barely sfford after school expenses. If I move out I won't have anywhere to go so I feel stuck

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by GirlieMama123

I can't even get him to go see a therapist with me. He just bought a brand new house and I am living with him for about $300 a month since I only work part time and thats all I can barely sfford after school expenses. If I move out I won't have anywhere to go so I feel stuck

I understand.... ((( hugs )))
When I was going to therapy it took three years before my own husband would go with me, and I too feel stuck at times because I do not work at all (stay at home mom for 20 yrs and now I have medical problems that get in the way of me working) and believe me there are times I would have left if I could make it on my own.

[GirlieMama123]

Originally Posted by ihateit

Ok, you've seen my quotes. My wife is anti-social, doesn't like ppl, and I have no clue how I even got close to her. She, imho, was out of my league, but I gave it a shot and we did really hit it off. The problems we have are psychological (we both have one form of anxiety DX'd, mine's diff, by far from hers, but we both have our problems). I feel your B/F does have some psychological problems as well (growing up in a home like that would set bells off in any therapist). I would, if you want this relationship to last and be ok, encourage him to go to a T. Bascially, the thing I hate to do but have done, go see a therapist or I'm outta here.

If he keeps insisting there is nothing wrong with him, I wouldn't stay, you have a long full life ahead of you, you're not tied by marriage (not that I am "tied", I really truly love my wife as much if not more than the day we got married).

God bless and GL!

Its good to know that there are people out there that understand the situation that I am in. It helps to know that this is coming from a male persective also, so thank you . This am we had one of those "long talks" that he says happens wayyy tooo often. Basically what I got from it is that we should send each other our schedules via eamail, and then he will compare them and find time when we can spend together. He says that a lot of couples do that (how would he know since he never goes anywhere) and that it is totally normal. Because I am too "high maintenence" he has decided that 3 days out the week is an appropriate amount of time to spend together (2 out of those 3 days my daughter is with us and she really keeps me occupied). I basically have come to the fact that he just doesn't want to be bothered with me. Maybe he needs someone more like himself, low maintence, isolated and anit social. I told him that, along with the fact that maybe it is I that cannot give him what he needs.

He said that we were gonna have this same talk when he got home and again on thurs. Seems to me that he's being cold, rigid and insensitive. What do you guys think?