i got contacted by my ex tonight.....
i cant begin to explain the feelings ....
he is in the military,,, and wants me to come out to visit..... he's in another state and he's leaving in a few weeks.....i am overjoyed that he contacted me.....
he is the reason i tried to kill myself on new years eve two years ago.....
him leaving me then was the trigger for my first psychotic manic episode.....
i have been horrible since he left.....
never wanting any other guy and only had a short sex relationship just this past november.....
he told me tonight he still loves me.. and i still love him...
circumstances though, he is not willing to change his marital status for me (he got a chick pregnant in training and married her 6 months into his service) ...and i should see that as a strong sign that this is never gonna happen....
i would wait 4 more years for him, i would live on base with him, but none of that is reality.
reality is still just me, all alone......
and god must have it in for me tonight cuz the episode of ER is all about the army thing going on and just compounds the issues im having right now about my feelings for my ex.....

i know its not something i should say here but i am just triggered by these feelings and about my ex calling and professing his love, that i have a strong desire to .........i want to OD.

and the news story saying how airline ticket prices are down.....
ugggg
why ?
why is it all coming down ?
the roof is falling, its all caving in, just like in my dream.

[dalila]

<font color="green"> b[b]So sorry that things seem to be conspiring against you ccl you deserve all the good things in life. Save hugs if you want them. </font> [b]

[JohnShaft]

I've been tormented recently by an ex myself. I wish I didn't love her but I do. I had been writing a longer response but it hurts so bad I couldn't finish it. I really hope you get through this. There are no easy choices.

[SpazKatt]

I say RUN as FAST as you can in the opposite direction from him, it sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

but if i had the tickets for the plane, and i have the childcare arranged, and it doesnt bother me about the marital affair....
i wonder what stops me from wanting this wholeheartedly.....
my fat... i might have put on 5 pounds since he saw me, and my body.. i hate it...
and would it ruin me mentally?
part of me thinks this would be very productive to have one last crack at it and just revisit it once more and then let it go......
so torn.
i appreciate your guys honest opinions, but please no harsh remarks about homewrecking... cuz that is NOT the real issue here.

[SpazKatt]

I'm sorry it sounded harsh I did not mean it in that way. I meant a train wreck for YOU! that it would be damaging to yourself and possibly cause turmoil for you, you don't need this *hugs*

no i didnt mean that YOU, spaz, are harsh, i am just asking anyone who reads this to try to not become focused on this being about an extra-marital affair.....
someone in public chat called me a homewrecker, but they miss the point...
this is about my struggle with my love for this guy...

Jen, stay strong. Listen to the part of you that knows the truth about him. That he was the one to leave. That he was the one who got the girl pregnant while you were waiting. Remember that none of this is your fault. I'm not saying that he is a bad person cause I try not to pass judgement. Just that you seem to know the right thing to do. I'm sorry for your struggle and I hope that it only gets easier. Take good care of your self. Much love.

Ryan

[SpazKatt]

oh ok sorry... I want you to know I wasn't trying to upset you I'm trying to offer support! *HUUGS*