First fight with husband....help

Last night I had a huge fight with my husband. This was our first huge fight, since we got married (8 months ago). I don't know exactly how or why this started but out of nowhere he started to ask me the last time I spoke with my ex. I was honest and said that I spoke to him, on aol instant messenger, a few months ago. He then started grilling me...how often do you talk to him, what do you talk to him about etc. This came out of nowhere and I was so confused but I answered all his questions honestly. I only talk to him occassionally and only via AIM, no phone or email contact. He asked me why I didn't tell him about it and I said that I didn't realize he wanted to know every time(I had mentioned it in the past). My husband does not have a jealous bone in his body (or so I thought) and I couldn't understand why he was so upset. I told him that I could either tell him everytime i spoke to my ex, or just stop talking to my ex altogether if it bothered him so much. He was still so pissed and really started to go off on me....I still don't understand why since I offered to cut off communication. I brought up the fact that he is in contact with ex and he claims its different because a) they broke up long before me b)i've met her c) my ex cheated on me, so I shouldn't want to have anything to do with him (my ex cheated on me with my cousin, really bad I know!!!)

My husband asked why I thought it was ok to be friends with my ex even though I never talk to my cousin....I said it was because when I found out about it my ex admitted it and later apologized. As for my cousin, she refused to admit it (said they were just friends) and she never apologized. In fact she got pissed that i told the rest of our family.

I know this may sound crazy but I am thankful (now) that he cheated. If he didn't we may have continued our relationship and I never would have been with my current husband.

There are a few reasons that I stay in contact with him....but mostly (I know this is bad) but I like to rub in that I am so happy in my new life. I try not to make it obvious, but I like him to know that I have moved on to better things. Also, I am nosey and I can get info about him and my cousin. I know I shouldn't care what they do, but I cant help but be curious.

My husband is now blowing this so out of proportion and saying he cant trust me, etc. I would just try and take one for the team, take the blame and say sorry so that we can move on, but I just cant. I don't like being accused of being dishonest when I haven't been and also I now feel like I can't trust him because I think he went through my stuff and even got into my facebook account. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me or that I can't trust.

I love my husband more than words can express and maybe I am totally wrong in this situation and just dont see it. I would like to get objective opinions/advice since I have no idea what to do to smooth this over.
I have NEVER seem him this pissed before and he is usually very calm.

My mom said that she thinks that he jealous (not in general but just of this one ex because we had been together so long) This may be true but what can I do about that? We met as adults and I had a life before I met my husband, I've never hidden that. He can't be angry with me for that???

I'm sorry this is so long but I really needed to get this out.

Any advice is appreciated.

First thing I would do is find a good time, when you are both calm, relaxed and not rushed and ask him if you can talk about this. Ask him if there is something you are doing, or something going on in his life that is making him feel insecure, or that you don't care about him as much as you did? This may all have something to do with things that are going on with him, not necessarily anything to do with you.

However, I do find it ... "off" that he gets upset over your contact with your ex but he does not feel there is any problem with him having contact with his ex. Now If you are fine with that. No problem. But I think that how you both deal with ex's should be fully talked about, explored and both people's feelings taken into consideration. From what you describe, he sounds like he is rationalizing about why it's okay for him to have contact with his ex, but he feels betrayed and angry that you also still have contact with yours. A little bit of a warning bell goes off there for me.

If this turns into a serious ongoing problem, I would suggest that you both go see a marriage counselor for a few visits, or more.

First thought I had is why do you care about "rubbing" in your ex's face how good your life is. The second thing that occurs to me is the fact that you are aware he talks to his ex.

I think the communication breakdown here is, that your husband feels that he has been open about it , you even met her (his ex) and so he feels everythings on the up n up.

He may have been feeling something shift in relating with you and his first thought was, "there is another man". Also you had a long relationship with this ex Maybe if he had met the ex and felt things were open the way he approached talking to his ex with you he might not be so overeactive.

Still you probably have some unresolved feelings for the ex in the sense that there is still anger or hurt since you want him to feel bad that your doing so well. The best thing to do is try to communicate and validate your husbands feelings and from there resolve your own about the ex. Clearly you both love and care about each other Im sure things will calm down.

There are a few reasons that I stay in contact with him....but mostly (I know this is bad) but I like to rub in that I am so happy in my new life. I try not to make it obvious, but I like him to know that I have moved on to better things. Also, I am nosey and I can get info about him and my cousin. I know I shouldn't care what they do, but I cant help but be curious.

When I read that paragraph ,, only one thing came to mind ,,,,,, Curiosity killed the cat .

O ,,,, O ,,, another one >>>>>....Let sleeping dogs lie .

Now just my guess ; >>>>. May be while your first argument went on ,, and you answering his questions " honestly * ,,,, He may have been perceiving this as his worse case scenario .
He may have had a thought about your ex , and your contact with him ,, Your Husband might have been leaning in the direction that you said * Hi * to your ex just in passing ... [ the other end of the spectrum ] .

IMO .
WMD.