[VanillaBean]

My boyfriend is kind, loving, smart, funny, handsome, patient, understanding... and a SLOB from HELL.

I posted in Healthy Parenting about his 19-year-old son, who is a disrespectful nightmare of a young man... and who makes his father look like a neatnik.

I need some advice on how to deal with his habits that do not involve cleaning up after him, which I refuse to do - he is an adult, and I am not his mother, I'm his girlfriend.

I don't see moving out as an option. Some people suggested that in my thread about his son's issues. We are a very serious couple, very much in love, and I really do not want to move out over this.

I know there are plenty of people who are very neat and have a partner who is very not. How do you deal?? Do you ignore it? Nag every day? Cry alone in the bathroom?

Help, please.

[Pomegranate]

I've never had to deal with as bad of a problem as you describe. But, as I like things relatively neat and tidy, I tend to clean up and do what I have to do to make me happy and feel comfortable in my living space. If there is something that does not directly affect you, some chore, some area of the house, etc. I would leave that alone until the slob takes care of it - and let him know you have no intention of helping with that, no matter how bad it gets. Like not washing his clothes. If you can do that. This is a tough problem, good luck! I hope someone here has some better ideas for you.

[Rhapsody]

Hire a Maid..... as he does not sound as though he is going to change his bad habit any time soon.

[Pomegranate]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Hire a Maid..... as he does not sound as though he is going to change his bad habit any time soon.

Great Idea! (If you can afford one.)

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

I've never had to deal with as bad of a problem as you describe. But, as I like things relatively neat and tidy, I tend to clean up and do what I have to do to make me happy and feel comfortable in my living space. If there is something that does not directly affect you, some chore, some area of the house, etc. I would leave that alone until the slob takes care of it - and let him know you have no intention of helping with that, no matter how bad it gets. Like not washing his clothes. If you can do that. This is a tough problem, good luck! I hope someone here has some better ideas for you.

Thanks, Pomegranate

I used to clean up after everyone, because the mess really pissed me off. Then I started to feel like I was being taken advantage of. I talked to my boyfriend about it and told him I was not a maid and I was NOT going to pick up after him or his sons anymore. He agreed and told me he never expected me to clean up after anyone but myself. I was doing it not only because I hate messes, but because I was unemployed and had to make myself feel useful. Now I have a full-time job. My boyfriend works from home most of the time, and I know he doesn't spend 8 straight hours on his computer and on teleconferences. He has plenty of time to straighten up - he just spends that time playing video games and messing with his iTunes library. He lets a mess get so bad that when he finally decides to clean he spends like four hours doing it.

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

Hire a Maid..... as he does not sound as though he is going to change his bad habit any time soon.

Haha... I did think of that. But we can't afford one.

[curley]

[

Hiring a maid is a quick fix, and may work! But most do not want to pick up everything or you may pay alot extra for that. But I heard Dr Phil tell someone something one day and I try to use it. If you love someone and everything else is good, isnt it better to ignore the things that "in the scheme of things" are not so important. I lived with a slob too, sorry to say I could not always ignore it! But that would be my advise if you can do it! Good luck

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by curley

I heard Dr Phil tell someone something one day and I try to use it. If you love someone and everything else is good, isnt it better to ignore the things that "in the scheme of things" are not so important. I lived with a slob too, sorry to say I could not always ignore it! But that would be my advise if you can do it! Good luck

Yes... that's true. Other than his messiness, he's easily the nicest man I've ever dated. I'm not always easy to deal with as I have Asperger's syndrome. He is patient and understanding and always instinctively knows just what to say to bring me up when I'm feeling down.

It's hard for me because I've always been a neat person. Plus I have OCD as well as AS! So learning to ignore this will be a bit of a challenge.

Thanks for your advice.

[VanillaBean]

Okay, so I've realized this is not something I can ignore.

Because it's not minor clutter.

Here are some examples of how things look in our home:

- the sink is full of dirty, crusty dishes that are beginning to smell
- the fridge is full of old, moldy food
- the bathrooms (we have 1.5) both have pee on the toilet seat, and one of them has evidence of, um, explosive diarrhea (sorry) as well. Pubes everywhere, dried toothpaste in the sink and on the counter and mirror. Sometimes I lift the toilet lid to find a number two floating there that someone forgot about. Hair clogs the sink and bathtub drains
- clothing (most of it dirty and therefore smelly), music equipment, books piled in the middle of the living room (leaving little room to walk)
- empty two-liter soda bottles littering the kitchen floor
- I can't remember the last time we ate dinner at the kitchen table since it is piled high with tons of junk (and this is where our mail gets tossed unless I retrieve it)
- every trashcan we have in the house is overflowing
- dirty dishes pop up in the couch cushions, under beds, you name it
- chip and candy bags litter the floor in pretty much every room of the house except for our bedroom, which we have to keep under lock and key because his boys were going in there and taking things
- one of the throws on the couch (which is broken, by the way, and has had cushions ripped off and stuffing pulled from it) looks like a giant hanky - it's crusted with boogers (this is his son's doing, I'm sure)

Those are just a few things.

Is this normal????

We are actually arguing about it, because I simply can't stand the mess. I hide out in our room because the rest of the house disgusts me. I refuse to clean up his messes and hoped that once I said so he would do it himself. He has only let it get worse. I see his complete unwillingness to meet me halfway as disregard for my feelings and comfort. I do not expect him to scrub the grout in the bathroom with a f***ing toothbrush - I just want our home to be clean and comfortable for everyone here. Is that too much to ask?

He claims that his business takes precedence over "everything else". He works from home most of the time. So today, when I asked him if he wanted to hold off on watching a movie until after he cleaned the kitchen (which he's been saying he's going to do for the past week) he yelled at me that I was being "completely asinine" because he couldn't clean the kitchen yet, he had to work on some proposal. The movie was just for background noise I guess. He tells me I don't understand how important this business thing is... it's so huge it is taking up "all of his time". Well, guess what? He has plenty of free time (I know, because I SEE it - until about a week and a half ago I was home all the time because I couldn't find a job). He plays video games with this time, while dirty dishes fester in the sink, poop floats in the hair-encrusted toilet and his son goes down the road to Disrespectful Loserville.

I am sick of living in squalor. I tried to see all the good in him but this is beginning to get in the way of everything.

And like I said... we can't afford a maid.

I'm so angry right now.

This is never going to change, is it?

[Rhapsody]

What emotional issues does he have that needs to be dealt with?

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

What emotional issues does he have that needs to be dealt with?

He has told me that he thinks he has ADD, but has never been diagnosed. I found out recently I have OCD, and when we discussed it he mentioned that he thinks he has a lot of OC traits too.

We talk A LOT about mental issues, because I have plenty. He doesn't seem depressed to me, or overly anxious. He yells on occasion but doesn't have a terrible temper.

He is very positive, very upbeat, very social.

I don't know He claims before I moved in (seven months ago) that the place was "immaculate", and that his son also cleaned up after himself, but "fell back into old ways" after they took a trip to Mexico and used the living room to organize and pack for the trip. Once they got back, he claims, his son started in with the slobbiness. Early in our relationship the place was clean (his older son was staying at his mother's more frequently then and his younger one was with his parents for a few weeks).

How can someone just stop caring like that? I really don't think he is depressed, and he is a busy man but he always finds time to socialize and play video games!

I feel like a nag, and I hate it!

[Pomegranate]

Since he seems to be blaming you for the mess - "He claims before I moved in (seven months ago) that the place was "immaculate"," perhaps you can move out again, maybe just in with a friend or family for a month or so to see if his place gets cleaner?

It would also give you time to sort our your feelings, and give him and his sons time to do that also. Then you can decide, if the house doesn't get cleaner, 1. if you want to live that way and just accept it and be content. 2. if you want to do all the cleaning and be content. 3. you want to keep the relationship with him but not live with him. 4. you want to end the relationship because this is something you just can not live with and be happy even though you care for him.

[lostnbigcity]

here is something my sister did.....at the time I thought she was a nut but it worked ....about a week before her husbands 40th birthday she sent out invitations to all his friends and family members...she didn't put who the invitation was from but told them it was a BIG SURPRISE! she bought drinks ,snacks, cake ,ice cream and then left them on the table (while her husband was taking a shower)...then she left for awhile...about 2 o'clock there her husband was playing his wonderful video game and not caring what was going on around him...a knock at the door and people started rolling in .....He was so embarrised ...my sister then came home around 3 o'clock and acted like she knew nothing about the party...since then , he makes sure house is clean BEFORE he does anything else....might have been a mean thing to do but it woke him up......just thought I'd share that with you ....good luck! p.s my sister had been complaining of the mess for years so the friends and family finally got to see what she was talking about....the party didn't last long due to the mess and there was no place for them to sit ,we still talk about this ..things have changed so much...

[VanillaBean]

Oh, he's not blaming me for the mess He knows that I am very neat and always clean up after myself immediately after making a 'mess' (I put that in quotes because I don't actually make messes - I am referring to the fact that I wash my dishes right after putting them in the sink, make the bed every morning when we get up, never leave dirty laundry on the floor but rather put it in my laundry bag right after I change my clothes, etc.). He told me that because I wondered if he had always lived like that, and if his older son had ALWAYS been so inconsiderate and messy, or if it was a new thing. I was convinced for a few months that the two of them were letting the place go because they saw me as the new "maid", or that maybe his older son had a problem with me and was "acting out". My boyfriend assured me that neither of those things were true, and I believe him.

I'm really thinking my only choice is to move out other than this we do have a good relationship, though lately we argue about the mess all the time! Maybe I'm extra-intolerant because of my OCD... at any rate, I'm feeling miserable.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by VanillaBean

I'm really thinking my only choice is to move out other than this we do have a good relationship,

If this is your only issue with this relationship (this wonderful man) then I say keep him and stay while working on the problem from with in the house..... maybe it is time for the entire household to sit down and talk about this problem together.

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

If this is your only issue with this relationship (this wonderful man) then I say keep him and stay while working on the problem from with in the house..... maybe it is time for the entire household to sit down and talk about this problem together.

This has been an ongoing issue for months - frankly, I don't know how people can live for years with someone who's so messy. I want to clarify that if I did move out, our relationship would not end. This is not a potential dealbreaker for the relationship - it's only a potential dealbreaker for us living together.

Talking about the problem hasn't done any good thus far. He knows how I feel, believe me. I have tried praising him for something good he did as a precursor to talking about the issue, so he would know I do appreciate him, and was not attacking him. I've tried the casual approach - "oh, didn't you mention cleaning the living room today?" I've even offered to help - not do it myself, but help him out so maybe he would be more willing to do it sooner rather than later. Nothing has worked, and I'm turning into a cranky b****. As for his son's behavior, there will never be a talk involving all of us. He has given me explicit instructions not to directly say anything to his son about the way I feel, and not to talk about it to him (my boyfriend) in front of the boys. He is afraid it will make me look bad and cause problems. Even when something happens to my property or food/drink (it gets lost, broken, eaten, what have you), he doesn't want me to say anything to his kids, and claims he is doing it to protect "us". When I was still cleaning up after everyone he did talk to the boys about the effort I put in around the house and how wrong and inconsiderate it is to just trash the place after I spent hours straightening up. A fat lot of good that did!

[spidermonkey]

Vanilla,
I would say just try your best to ignore it if everything else in your relationship is great, but it sounds like its way too much to bear and it sounds like he won't take a hint and clean it up himself.

Perhaps you can ask again and relay to him how much this is hurting you and that you feel like he doesn't appreciate what you do. But be sure to be super nice and no nagging (not saying you are a nagger, but some men look at it as nagging)

Another suggestion is to stop doing other things in the house (cooking, grocery shopping etc) and spend that time cleaning. When he asks why there is no dinner or food in the house you can say that you had to spend that time cleaning up his mess!

Maybe you could do a trade off....tell him that every time he cleans up you will do something for him that he likes?

I hope this helps and good luck with everything.

[VanillaBean]

Originally Posted by lostnbigcity

here is something my sister did.....at the time I thought she was a nut but it worked ....about a week before her husbands 40th birthday she sent out invitations to all his friends and family members...she didn't put who the invitation was from but told them it was a BIG SURPRISE! she bought drinks ,snacks, cake ,ice cream and then left them on the table (while her husband was taking a shower)...then she left for awhile...about 2 o'clock there her husband was playing his wonderful video game and not caring what was going on around him...a knock at the door and people started rolling in .....He was so embarrised ...my sister then came home around 3 o'clock and acted like she knew nothing about the party...since then , he makes sure house is clean BEFORE he does anything else....might have been a mean thing to do but it woke him up......just thought I'd share that with you ....good luck! p.s my sister had been complaining of the mess for years so the friends and family finally got to see what she was talking about....the party didn't last long due to the mess and there was no place for them to sit ,we still talk about this ..things have changed so much...

Thanks for this, lost... I missed it before, somehow. That's great!