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#1
Apr 03, 2009, 11:43 AM
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After the breakup I recently experienced, I felt like I had lost my best friend too. I know that sounds cliché but he really was the only one I ever completely opened up to... Even though he had said we would still be close, and that we would still talk and hang out, we didn't. I invited him to several different parties that I was involved with, and attempted to instigate conversation between the two of us, only to feel awkward and rejected. I'm extremely sensitive, so after a couple weeks of this kind of behavior I *gasp* took him off of my top friends on myspace. I know that's an immature thing to do, but I figured he might notice something was wrong if I did that. A couple more days went by and he didn't notice, so I decided to tell him. I texted him late-ish at night and told him of my decision to take him off of my top friends (to me that was basically saying that I didn't feel close to him any more, and I didn't consider him a good enough friend to showcase) he said he understood, but when we got more into my reasons for the decision things got ugly. I became extremely upset and actually hurt his feelings and pissed him off for the first time ever. He had pushed me into sexual things in our relationship that I was not ready for, and even when I told him I wanted to slow down he did not listen, and he had no intention of staying with me long term. I had reasons to be angry, but I was so much harsher than was necessary when my goal had been to repair the friendship.
After realizing that the friendship was something important to me, I told him that we needed to talk in person to at least try and work things out. I drove the whole 45 minutes to his town, and picked him and his dog up off the side of the road (he was taking a walk) and we drove around talking about things for a while. When we got back to his house he told me several times how glad he was that I came out to talk to him. But I’m really bad at expressing emotions in a friendship, so I just smiled and looked at the ground. Even though things are going so well between us right now, I’m not sure if we can maintain it… He told me about how he asked a girl he’s friends with to prom, and I got sad about it. Since we were just texting he didn’t necessarily know, but I’m really sensitive, and even though I don’t want the friendship to end, I’m having a hard time having only friendship-type feelings for him. I’m trying to play it cool, but I am very very bad at hiding my feelings from people, especially him. What should I do? 
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#2
Apr 03, 2009, 03:16 PM
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i think that its extremely hard to get over someone when theyre there 24/7. and even though you think you could be friends in the long run, its probably just going to make it harder on you if you try that now. when i broke up with my ex-fiancee i couldnt imagine ever being friends with him. but its been about a year now and i finally feel okay, and so does he, talking about guys ive dated since him etc...
you can't just force yourself to stop having feelings for a person. and if he really is a true friend then hell understand that you just need some time. maybe after a while of dating other guys, seeing him date other girls etc... youll be able to get to that friend point, but right now id say a clean break is best for you. usually clean breaks are the only way to go. and i can tell you, having a guy be best friends with his recent ex....is not good on the current girlfriend. when it happened to me it drove me insane and i eventually broke up with him bc i couldnt take it anymore. typically, this kind of situation never works out for anyone involved. give it some time. |
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#3
Apr 08, 2009, 08:44 AM
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Quote:
I went and picked him up again yesterday, and we had another talk. It was nice. I told him all of the things that have been bothering me lately that I can't tell anyone else, and he told me some things going on with him. At the end of the conversation when I dropped him off he, yet again, told me how good it was to talk to me, with the addition of saying that we should make it a weekly/bi-weekly thing... |
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#4
Apr 08, 2009, 09:29 AM
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His behavior reminds me of the way an ex treated me after he broke up with me. He swore up and down that he still wanted to be friends and maybe even get back together after awhile - he claimed he was "scared" of how strong his feelings were for me and needed to "find himself"... blah blah blah. All BS. What he wanted to do, but of course what he wouldn't come out and say to my face, was play the field, and he wanted to "stay friends" in case he didn't find something he liked better. After hanging out with him a few times as friends, I decided it was too hard for me because I still had feelings for him, while also being hurt and angry.
It sounds like it's too soon to think about trying to be his friend. I personally would not want to be friends with someone who has done and said the things he has. He sounds like a very selfish person. If being friends with him is really important to you I would give it some time, and try not to expect anything from him. It's cool if you guys can drive around and have a good conversation, but just be cautious. Good Luck... |
 Umm_kelly
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#5
Apr 08, 2009, 10:13 AM
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Gosh!!!! More of these type of guys!!!! I wish I had a kind of spray to wipe them off the planet!
 If he tells you that he wants to "be friends" with you, it might just be a plan of his to keep you as a sidekick, just in case he can't find somebody else OR to use you whenever he feels like it. He KNOWS you are not over him. He WILL take advantage of this. Truth is, they don't really mean to stay friends with you. They don't think that way at all. Only women think like this. Maybe he tells this to you to "soften" the situation or because they feel guilty. Little by little they distant themselves until they finally cut off communication completely. If there is one thing guys do hate is "over-analyzing" a situation. STOP hunting him down in your efforts to try and "be friends". This causes him to suffocate and get bored with you. I'm pretty sure he sighs every time he sees a call or a message from you. You, on the other hand present yourself as too desperate. KEEP YOUR COOL. You have other friends too and even if you don't go get yourself some!! Don't show him that he's THAT important. Don't feed his ego. Let him be. If you see that he is not communicating with you, FINE. Move on, fill your life with activities. Get busy! You are an interesting person and you do interesting things. Make him regret his choice of letting you go. Don't focus so much on this one lousy person when you can fill your life with so many other people. Give others a chance. You will always feel weird when you see him with another person. You will always wonder, "why her and not me?". Cut him lose. Step away and with time you will see that he wasn't a good choice for you. Now, go out. Get out of the house and start making new friends!!!! 
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#6
Apr 08, 2009, 10:37 AM
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I think it's possible to be best friends with an ex, but not if you still hold romantic feelings for him - and especially not if you're still hoping for a future exclusive relationship with him.
It looks like he's your friend now, but you have to put in all the work and it doesn't appear you get much in return.  I think it will be much harder for you to be his friend. If he goes to the prom with this other girl and has a wonderful time, could you honestly be a friend and be happy for him? If he falls in love with another girl, would you give your blessing and be a "best friend" to them both?  At one time I loved my ex-husband with all my heart. I wasn't able to call him a friend until I got over the love I felt for him. He's married to a good woman now, and I am happy for him. I'm married to a good man now, and my ex-husband is happy for me. I wish you good luck with your future friendships and relationships. 
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| Umm_kelly
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#7
Apr 08, 2009, 12:06 PM
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… I’m not sure how to respond to any of this. Do all of you really think that he would try and drag me around like that? It's not like I text him or call him all the time. Actually, I never text or call him. I let him instigate every conversation (almost). I don't know what his situation with the girl he asked to prom is... when he told me about it he kind of laughed it off like the idea of going with her to prom was silly. Then yesterday when I talked to him (with absolutely no promting on my part) he told me how he doesn't even know if he wants to go to prom at all.
I've been telling another close guy friend of mine (a strictly internet relationship that's been going on for five years) about the whole situation, and he thinks that J (my ex) does like me and is just not ready to be in a serious relationship. I tend to at least trust his opinion a little, because they are similar guys, and my internet friend is going through some issues of feeling trapped by a relationship. The biggest reason why I'm having trouble with the thought of just not hanging around J for a while is that we're now in our last couple of months of high school. If I stop being his close friend now, it is entirely possible that I might never see him again after we all move away... plus I only see him once a week, at most, anyway. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't have romantic feelings for him still, but I also continue to have the friendship feelings/mental attraction that I've had with him since the begining. He is more similar to me than anyone else I've ever met. I just get where he's coming from with everything. Even the not wanting a relationship thing. I understand why he thinks the way that he does... And yes, I do have other friends, lots of them actually, but none of them are as comfortable for me to be around as him. I just don't feel awkward. I never feel as if there is anything that I can't say to him... With all of that new information, do your opinions stand as they were? |
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#8
Apr 08, 2009, 01:30 PM
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Hi Kelly
My opinion was just something to consider. I was just saying it could be painful for you down the road. If he's your friend and he makes you feel good, there's no reason to end the friendship - especially with only a couple of months to go before graduation. Okay, you win. If it has to end, it will end - and by then you'll probably know it's over. If you give up on him now, you risk spending the rest of your life wondering what could have been. My only advice would be to protect your heart. 
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| Umm_kelly
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#9
Apr 08, 2009, 02:48 PM
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honestly...chances are you wont see about 90% of your friends after graduation. I am only friends with maybe 2 or 3 people that i was friends with in high school. Its not like you guys were married with children....it was a high school relationship that you will get over about 2 months after freshman yr of college starts. I understand that it feels real and important now but trust me, you are not going to care later on. He is not worth it. They never are. Because if they were worth it, they wouldn't do that kind of thing to you in the first place.
The only ones who should be worth the fight are the ones who wont make you fight for them. Think about it that way. Give it up, its not that big of a deal. And I'm sorry but he's a high school BOY. Wait until you find one that's grown out of his immature "I'm not ready for a relationship" stage before you go fretting over a guy. If he's pulling this stuff then he's not mature enough for you anyways so don't waste your time. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's how it goes sometimes. I think it's time to get over him and move on. |
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#10
Apr 08, 2009, 07:00 PM
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I hadn't realized you guys were this young! Maybe you are similar now...but I'm willing to bet that in 5 years from now you'll be a lot different. You are both growing and maturing as people. Life will give each of you different experiences, bad and good ones and those experiences will have an affect in the development of your personalities.
If you think that this person is really worth it, than sure...try to be friends with him. However, if this process wears you out and if you don't see him doing as much to keep you close as well, then....let it go. As I said, move on...give chances to other people. You are so young! You're still at the very beginning. |
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#11
Apr 09, 2009, 08:33 AM
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The first thing I would like to say is that even though it is a "highschool relationship" right now that doesn't mean that it isn't important to me, or him. I have actually attempted to end the friendship a couple of times, and he didn't want me to and didn't let me. Those attempts were because of my own insecurites, not really anything he did. The "things that he did to me" were as follows:
Secondly, he does not make me "fight for him". I am a withdrawn person. If anything I make him fight for me on occasion. Also, I know that he is just a boy, but I am just a girl. I don't know if I want a serious relationship. I definitely know I don't want a standard normal relationship. A big problem between me and him was how he thought I wanted more out of a relationship than I really do. Also, I intensely dislike maturity, or at least I dislike the kind of maturity people think that I'm supposed to have. I have been known to act with much more "maturity" and care than most adults (my mom, my grandma, and other family members/teachers) who tell me to be mature in the first place. I am not including you in this one, just venting now. I mean no offense by this post to you salukigirl. I just want you to understand the situation a little bit more, because, as I said before, I was offended by your last post to me. |
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#12
Apr 09, 2009, 08:50 AM
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whatever. everyone is saying the same thing to you but you keep defending him. if you werent going to listen to anyone's post then why ask the question in the first place. youve heard my point and wont take it so im done trying to help.
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#13
Apr 09, 2009, 11:57 AM
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I posted the question because I was confused, and hurting. In the process of writing down the situation I discovered how I really feel about everything, which can be a challenge for me. And even though most people gave me the same advice, they also mentioned things about how they came to their conclusions that just aren't true about my life. All I've been trying to do is get the facts out there. But obviously the facts don't matter. And neither do my feelings.And I am so sorry that I won't completely cut off ties to someone just because he broke my heart. |
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