[Adhesion]

So, both me and my boyfriend got out of relationships where we had bad breakups. His was a suprise to him as he thought they were going to get married, were best friends and then out of the blue she tells him she hadn't loved him for years, etc... When she is out of the picture he is fine and seems to be moving on, however when she contacts him it seems to bring up the past and make him go back and forth between missing her and hating her.

We have been together about 6 months now and I know he really does care about me and want to move on, my question is can he? I'm trying to figure out if i'm overreacting to the situation because of my own bad experience or if I should run for the hills. My instincts are to stay, give him time, and hope things work out...but I need objective opinions. Thanks!

[CedarS]

Can he cut off contact with her, set things up so she cannot contact him?

I don't think you are overreacting. You have valid concerns.

[salukigirl]

i feel like youre describing my last relationship. i told him "its amazing how every other person in the world can get their ex to stop contacting them but you magically cant?" he always said he didn't want her and hated her but would hide texts from me and even lied to me a few times about hanging out with her.

i ended up break up with him because one day i came to his house and the photo album with all her pics and notes from her was gone. Then he told me that he had thrown out the album but took out the pics he wanted and kept them and wouldn't tell me where they were. So I left, I couldn't handle feeling like I had to fight for him anymore. but then again she would send him texts saying how much she missed him etc...

I don't know if yours is like that but ours included him hiding her from me which was, ultimately what broke us up. I'm the kind of person where, when I break up with a guy I get rid of everything. pictures, notes, love letters - everything. And he kept everything he had of her and it just ate away at me.

personally, I think it's a little unfair to you if he is with you while still having feelings for his ex. i'm not saying there is anything wrong with him, if they were together for years and it was a shock to him then it's no surprise that he's not over her.

You need to have an open discussion with him and find out if she is contacting him because he wants her to, if he actually wants to get over her or if he's just waiting for her to "come around" or what. I know it's a horrible feeling thinking that you have to dive that deep but he could be lying to himself and not even realize it. And the big thing is if he WANTS your help. My ex didn't want to admit that he still had feelings for her and didn't want to admit that he LOVED the attention she gave him. he even told me that maybe if I did more things that she did (text him saying I miss him etc) that he wouldn't talk to her anymore. So I didn't have the patience to help someone that didn't want my help. but if he admits any feelings he has and says that he wants to make an honest effort to get over her then go for it. Its just not worth sticking around if he can't even admit that something is going on. And if you notice a different in him, then chances are its real - you don't imagine changes in a person's mood y'know? so I say just talk with him - wherever the talk goes will tell you what needs to happen. (sorry for the rant)

[Adhesion]

Thanks for the feedback. I guess the reason I haven't cut and run already is that he has been very open and honest with me about his feelings and how he hates that she can still get to him. I think his biggest problem is that he still has a hard time believing she is the selfish user she has shown herself to be. I mean, she left him after 4 years telling him she hadn't loved him for the last 3, then moved to Washington state to live with a married couple with 2 kids so she could get knocked up by the husband!!! She kept telling him she wanting to be friends, yet she only contacts him when she wants attention! He is a very kind hearted person, and I think it's more the fact that he can't accept the rather horrible person she is now and has a very hard time hating anybody.

As long as he continues to be honest with me I see that as a good sign, but wonder how long is reasonable to give him in terms of working through his feelings or not? They've been broken up for over a year, but she just finally got out of his life in a more permanant manner a few months ago.

[artie]

I saw on some TV documentary we are all programmed to be both faithful and to have a "roving eye" at the same time, I truely hate the fact that I've always had some interest in other women, however fleeting, even when I've been head-over-heals with my partner. I see it as a very primative part of my brain doing battle with the more advanced civilised part. I'd take more notice of his rational choices than fleeting emotional reactions to his ex.

Accepting that there will be some interest in others is probably essential to a lasting relationship unless each partner keeps it secret so it never becomes an issue, but I suppose it's a matter of degree, how much is tolerable.

(I hope this isn't disturbing to you, I'm not that experienced with realationships so may not know what I'm talking about)

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by Adhesion

We have been together about 6 months now and I know he really does care about me and want to move on, my question is can he?

You say you two have been together as a couple for six months..... but how long has it been since he broke up with his ex before he meet you?

[salukigirl]

I agree that if he talks to you about it that he's probably pretty trust worthy. It's when he hides it or lies about it that problems arise. My current bf and I talk about exes openly because we understand that we'll probably run into them from time to time and neither of us want to be thinking "I wonder if they still have feelings for them" so we talk about it.

One thing I noticed about my ex (the one I talked about preiously) that differs from my current bf is the constant concealing of anything like a cell phone etc... Like his phone would ring and if he were in the other room I'd pick it up, look at the screen and say "blah blah blah is calling" and that would make him really mad. Sometimes he would snatch his phone out of my hand or turn it away from me or wait until I was out of the room to text someone back which always got to me. My current boyfriend asks me to answer his phone and will show me texts he's gotten or sent even if I don't ask. He also doesn't hesitate to check his email if I'm there, go on his facebook or myspace or anything else. That lets me know that he doesn't have anything to hide.

Sorry...another story lol. My ex that I've been talking about made plans with some girl friends up in Chicago that he was going to be there for New Years (this was on facebook) so when I got on it does the little updates and said that he had written that to a girl. And I said "so you're going to be in Chicago on New Years? Were you going to tell me?" and he said "where did you see that?" like he didn't want me to know and when I asked if he was going to tell me he said "well I guess I just did".

Anyways lol as long as he doesn't act like the jerk I've been talking about I think you're safe. Best bet is to always be open with each other. And once again, sorry all my posts have been so long!