Should I be suspicious?

Let me start off...my husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for the last 6 years.

I was recently using his laptop and found an email he sent to another
woman. It just said "hey", but being the obsessive type that I am, I had to do every kind of search on the email address to find more info on this person.
All I came across was an AOL profile. I confronted him later that day and
asked him, "who is Leah?" At first, he said it was someone he went to church with. I asked him why he was emailing her. He wouldn't give an answer. He later went on to tell me that one night when I wasn't home a few months back, he had went to one of the clubs in town. He met this woman there, somehow she got a hold of his email address, and they had sent a few emails back and forth. He claimed there was "nothing there" because she had a fiance and that they weren't communicating any longer.
That information wasn't enough for me.

I started extremely obsessing over why this was happening and wanted
to know everything I could about this woman. I asked him to tell me her last name, he wouldn't. It came to a point where I was begging and pleading to find out. Eventually, I had to end up threatening to leave him over and over again, and he gave in.

First thing, I found her myspace. I had a problem with her right away.
She seemed to be everything I wasn't. It would make since why my husband might have considered leaving me for her. (Or at least that's what ran through my mind.)
I went further on to find out other info on her life, her marriages/divorces, and even her so-called fiance's marriages/divorces. It's become a routine thing to check her profile daily.

I've come to a point where I feel like I'm not getting the truth from my husband, as little of a deal as most people might find this in their own relationships, it's a panic situation for me. I know my husband's only friends, and they are all males.
He claimed that there was only friendship to come out of this, but he knows how I would feel about him being friends with a female, especially one he met at a nightclub! I ask him who talked to whom first, how long they talked, what the emails were about, etc. Since he had deleted all of them, and was sending all but one through his work email account.
He tells me "I don't remember! It's so unimportant to me, that I don't remember!"

I'm just looking for advice on what to do, etc. Should I take my husband's word for it and let it go? Do I have a right to be suspicious? Am I totally blowing things out of proportion? Please help.

I would follow my gut instincts on this. If you feel something is wrong, then no matter what your husband says, until and unless he can thorougly explain himself, his actions and allow you total access to his communications with this woman, I would not trust him. If he has nothing to hide, he would not be hiding anything, his actions would match his words.

Also, I would not accept that my husband would have a female friend I did not feel comfortable about. I would do the same for him. What is more important, your marriage or his friendship with this woman? If he says he is no longer friends with her, what is it that is telling you that this is not true? If he were truly committed to your marriage and you were his priority, his words and actions would leave no doubt in your mind or gut. If something is telling you things are "not right" I would respect that and be suspicious.

IMPO, you violated your husband's privacy as well as his boundaries. If you don't stop bugging him about something so innocent as an email, you may give him enough reason to want to look elsewhere.

Just simply tell him that you need some possitive affirmation from him that he's faithful to you. Don't nag him!

Something very important to remember: FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.

Here's the best case scenerio...but somebody is going to be rightfully pissed off & somebody is going to have egg on their face & need to kiss a lot of butt. However, you will definantly have your answer.

I do agree on the surface you did a lot of prying over something so trivial..the email said "Hi"
However, sometimes a woman's gut is an instinctual thing & sometimes it's just insecurity.

Here's a gutsy offer. You push him to let you see all the messages he's sent her on that spot immediately. You may tick him off because you are letting off some serious vibes at this point. When this is over one of the 2 of you are going to have every right to be mad, one of you are going to have egg on their face.

Assuming he gives you access to the letters...then you will know if it was innocent or something more. If he is involved with her, he's busted & you have your answer. If he didn't....he's going to have every right to be pissed at you. In which case you need to appologize for being insecure & say stuff like "the though of losing you just drives me crazy" Make him feel like king ***** for a couple weeks & he will probably get over.

The question is, would that temporary embarassment be worth the piece of mind of knowing from that point on you have a decent man.

I agree with both other post. There isn't much evidence but also doesn't completely past the smell test...Your decision...I would risk looking like a fool for a little bit to feel that I wasn't played for a fool

Hi,
I think you got good advice from thelionkinglives.

awwee sheucks...thanks

peace of mind is a wonderful gift, I would personally risk alot to have it...

then again that's what you would expect from someone with admitted trust issues...

I guess being married to the same man for 33 years I would just know that he's guilty. I wouldn't have room for suspicion. Trust got us this far and it will get us to the end, I'm sure.

Thank you for the advice.
I had already tried this "method" though. lol
I asked him to show me the emails or even tell me what was said. He said they were deleted and that they "never really talked about anything."
With the exception of one, I was told they were sent from his work account.
I stumbled upon the last email by mistake, checking to see if a file I sent
from his laptop to my pc was still in the "sent" folder there. That's how I found out about the situation.

I continued to question him though (my bad) and was told that my mother had told him to go out and "have fun" by himself that night/weekend. He was trying to pass the blame onto her in a way. And, that the female in question tracked him down, by finding his employers' website (the school board) and finding his email address from the site's directory.
He also told me that in one email she had said she told her fiance
she had been talking to him, and he said it was okay as long as they weren't having lunch dates, or more. I also asked him if he told her that he was married, he wouldn't give me an answer for that, either.

After a long night of arguing, I just wanted to try to move on and forget things. Knowing the type of personality I have, this won't be easy.
I'd like to think, if something were going on, forget it. I guess it evens out for all the times I let him down with my mood swings/disorders.

Thanks everyone for your input!

I don't understand why you think that woman is all what you are not....and if you think this way, then it means your husband wants a woman like you, the one that is not like the other woman....
He's married to you for so long and he wants you....why are you creating a monster for yourself?
I'm a jealous type of person and I'm working on it....good lord, god gave me a boyfriend who just has girlfriend and absolutly no guy friend....can you believe that? I think God is punishing me for being jealous...and you know what it is funny about it? my boyfriend is so sad that doesn't have any guy friend....hehehehe....
just be relax and be confident that nobody on earth would be "YOU"....you are special and what you are offering to your husband, nobody else can replace it....you guys have history together....and that's count....so be relax....and take care of yourself....
also, stop checking the other woman's profile...who cares about her? wish her a best luck in her life too....

I agree that an invasion of privacy would be enough to make your husband act like that. You know how, you could be perfectly okay with something, but the second it's forced upon you, you will do everything in your power to revolt against it? To him, Im sure it feels like he's 16 again living with his mother. Constantly being questioned when you're not doing anything can be very frustrating, especially if you're married and have a good relationship anyways.

If one email that says "hey" is all you have to go by I would drop it. If he's cheating or straying, you're going to notice more things that just one email. If he's seriously interested in another woman he's going to do things to impress her. So usually the signs of that are changing your wardrobe or grooming yourself more than usual, changing colognes or wearing cologne if he doesn't already. That type of thing. Don't you think that he could snoop through your things and find something that might seem incriminating even though it's not?

I think everyone needs their own space and, if you accuse and accuse, that might cause a "well I'm being blamed for it, I might as well do it" type of attitude. When exes have become too controlling of me in the past, that's what made me start looking (Ive never cheated on a guy, I mean just even checking out other guys).

And insecurity is probably the biggest turn off for a guy. Even a mildly attractive girl can become hot if she carries herself well and has confidence. Just like a super attractive girl can become ugly if she has a bad personality. It works both ways. So, instead of taking the "are you cheating on me?" route, try taking the "what reason do I have to be jealous? I know I'm the best woman for you" route. If he is even thinking of straying from you, showing some confidence and showing that you don't care about this "other woman" would bring him back.

Bottom line....you have to know that you are the ****.

I totally agree with Pomegranate on this one. I don't think your husband should be offended because you've invaded his privacy unless he is in fact guilty of messing around with this woman on the side. When you're in a relationship with someone there should be no secrets between the both of you, that's what being in a relationship is all about, you share everything with the person you're with openly and there will be no room for suspicion. The truth is, people do lie and cheat and if you choose to play the fool because you're afraid the other person is going to be offended when you investigate, you'll never find out who you're dealing with.

My advice to you would be to investigate on your own but to keep quiet and not bug him about it unless you find some real facts.

Good luck to ya.

1. hmmm... emails gone...not impossible, take him at his word for now on that.

2. Him blaming your mom does seem kinda like deflecting a little. How does her saying "have fun" relate to this woman? Did he actually meet up with her?

3. Him not answering you on did he tell her he was married. This is odd to me. Because the logic doesn't add up either way.

a. If he was cheating with her & didn't want you to know, he would not have raised your suspicions by not answering...he would have simply lied to you & said yea.

b. If he's not, it doesn't make sense that he would evade answering because it's going to only make your suspicion worse.

The only way this logically computes is he is messing around & wants you to find out because he doesn't have the guts to say it. If that's the case you would have alot more to go on right now.

or

if he's not then he wants you to wonder for some reason.

unless my logic is faulty...I don't believe based on this that there is a lot here. I'm not saying not to listen to your gut...I just personally don't see it based on this info

I would let it go right now...if there is really anything going on...you'll have many other things...

I forget which poster at this moment but i agree with he would change habits & routines...he would start "peacocking" so to speak.

Best wishes