[asylumgardens]

I don't let people in because I am terrified of the immanent rejection. I'd rather be lonely, though neither option is good. I allowed myself to get close to someone, my best friend, because she reassured me she would not do this to me, and now she is. I feel like I can't even talk to her now, she's purposely leaving me out of things and ignoring how that might make me feel. I feel like she's trying to make me jealous with her other friendships on purpose, but I'm not jealous, I am hurt. I don't feel like I can ask her about this because I already know how she will react (based on her actions recently when I've tried to confront her). She will say I've overreacting or taking things too seriously or something.

As an example, I asked her why was she being so argumentative with me (in a way where I feel like an idiot by the end of every conversation) and she said she isn't, I'm just being too sensitive, and it's my own fault (not hers at all) if I feel like an idiot. She knows how my self esteem is, and has tried to convince me on many occasions that it is not my fault if rejection occurs (at least not only - both parties must accept their own actions and what happens) but now she's claiming it's all me and not at all her? But she KNOWS how I will blame myself anyway, and her reinforcement that it is my fault, I am a terrible friend, I'm a over-dramatic idiot, is what is pushing me over the edge now.

Why would I want to be friends with such a person you might wonder? But this is the person I trusted, and she knew what a leap that was for me, and she did care a lot. She would stay up crying for hours with me trying to help with my emotional (suicidal) pain. I don't know what I've done to make her change so drastically on me. I want to ask, but I can't. I know she'll just say I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I can't just let this friendship disappear, but I don't know what to do. I feel like maybe she's just sick of me. I know that dealing with someone who is chronically suicidal and depressed like me is not easy, so maybe she just wants this friendship over, but I don't know why she'd invest so much time in me, insisting that I'm not a bad person and that she doesn't want me to die if she's just going to let our friendship end in this way now?

Also, I have to say I am suicidal (not in a suicidal crisis, though) and though I wouldn't kill myself "because" of her, it's giving me a last straw sort of feeling. I don't want to be alone forever, and I feel like if I cannot trust her, I'm through bothering trusting anyone. She is just the most recent in a long line of people who have mysteriously become distant and cruel to me, and it's hard to believe it's not my fault (I'm the one thing all these people have in common). It's just so hopeless. My financial situation, job, lack of independence, lack of being able to finish college all compound onto this feeling of hopelessness, but now the feeling that there is truly no one that knows me personally who cares what will happen to me.. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long and no one will probably read it anyway, but I'm just so alone and, as I've said, I don't know what to do.

(Also, I don't have a T, I can't afford therapy or any other doctor, no insurance, and the free mental health clinic in my area is not the least bit helpful. The T they gave me was insanely judgmental and when I asked to change to someone else they said they couldn't due to the high demand they have.)

[Vlo1980]

Hi there!

You're terrified of letting people in? Hey, join the club! I have problems with that too but that's not what I want talk to you about. If this person means this much to you, why don't you open your heart and tell her how much you care and how much you value the friendship you both have? Try to be there for her too. Instead of concentrating so much on how she helped you with your suicidal issues and made you feel a lot better, try to reciprocate by being an equally good friend to her. Friendship is a reciprocal thing, it's a two-way street. If you concentrate on her for a change, you'll get the focus off of yourself and that will contribute to your own well being as well.

About your suicidal thoughts, have you thought about all the pain and sorrow your family members would experience if you actually decided to end your life? Do you really want to put the people you love through something like that? Problems never last forever, my friend, life has its ups and downs and that's what makes it interesting.

You must be going through a really hard time right now and I understand how hard your situation really is for the fact that you don't have a job or medical insurance to provide you with the help you need to overcome your problems. The way the economy is isn't helping either but talk to a social worker in your area because they know about medical plans for indigent or unemployed people that can be very helpful to you. Don't give up, ok?

I hope you feel better and I'll pray for you.

[asylumgardens]

I do have a job but it's menial and minimum wage, so I can barely make the bills I need to pay already.

I do care for her, too, and that's why I feel so upset by this. I feel as though I have been a good friend to her, too, and I've apologized countless times for what I must put her through, but at the same time we have a lot of fun as friends, and it has all seemed mutual until now. Now she goes out of her way to not include me and then to later tell me about things she's done with other people, and she just doesn't seem to care.

Now, the reason this feels so last straw for me is that I DO live because of how it will hurt other people. I do not live for myself at all, and the pain of living for other people and then those people just not caring and giving up later, what's the point? Is it more important that I'm alive because people don't want me to die, but then those same people just go and abandon me later and I'm the one left in pain? Either way it seems selfish on someones part, and I hate feeling like I'm living for people who don't really care. I've worked hard to try and be happy with myself, but I'm not, and I won't be, so I don't know what else there is. I'm not saying this in suicidal crisis or anything, in case anyone reading thinks that. I'm not going to go off and kill myself right now, but it just intensifies my feelings of suicide ideation.

[Vlo1980]

In that case ask yourself if this friendship is really worth keeping. If she is excluding you and ignoring you and the whole thing is causing you more harm than good than it is probably better if you both part ways. Try to widen out and make more friends because real ones are very hard to find. Try to look for help for your financial situation too. There are special programs to help you with housing and food expenses, I know about a few in my area but unfortunately you live in another state. I'm sure you'll be able to find something similar in your area if you do a little research.

[madisgram]

thank you for having the courage to share with us your feelings, (((ag))). you may have more inner strength than you know. i am sorry you feel so lonely but know that i care how you feel as i am sure others do here too. learnig to trust ppl can be difficult for many of us. i discovered that part of what was happening to me with this same dillemma was that i was unknowingly picking the wrong ppl to be in my life. i would be blindsided when these ppl would eventually hurt me. but not all ppl are that insensitive or noncaring. keep posting and letting out your feelings. it won't fix everything but it will surely help. i was terrified as you are now at one point in my life. take safe, baby steps and try to find ppl that will cherish you. you are worth it.