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#1
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I am in deserate need for some adivce here I do not know what I am dealing with and hope someone may be familiar with these signs and help me identify what I am dealing with.
I have been dating a man online for 9 months, he in the begining was the man of my dreams. Since the begining of our relationship we talked about meeting in real life. I planned a trip half way around the world to meet him. Two days before I was to leave he admited he was on probation after serving 9 months in prison for a crime he claimed he did not commit against his exwife. He did not want me to come until probation was over. I rescheduled my trip. Our relationship on line has been tormutulous, the day we partnered online two women claimed to have been in relationships with him. Since then there have been a couple more but his stance is it is a game and he is not responsible for the way women interrpret. I do have some trust issues in the online arena due to being hurt previously in this environment. When I question or accuse him he gets very upset and angry, to the extreem saying he was imprisoned for false accusations so it really gets to him (I can understand this btw, but I did not know about this in the begining, by the time I knew I had already questioned). I ended up going to meet him in real life in January for two weeks, it was wonderful, he was caring, loving, kind, gentle. We saw the sights, shopped, cuddled endlessly, watched movies, took care of each other, made love twice a day minimum. He held my had everywhere, I never opened a door, he was a perfect gentelman. He does not work, he is in the online game where we met fulltime. He says is waiting for all the divorce related property to be dispursed (long story here, but it is true as I in person went to the property while there). He has said he can not even walk to the store without feeling so angry about all of it, he needs to game to focus and not have to address his real life issues (this is what I am wondering, what are his real life issues). He does not feel remorse if he does something that hurts me. He rarely says he is sorry for things he does. He will often blame me for things that others instigate (for my reaction to them, saying it is a game only). He has always claimed to love me real life and everything else is just a game. He has had at least one depressive episode in the past when he was ready to end his life. He can get extreemly angry, sometimes over the stupidest things. Everyone thinks he is wonderful as they never see this side of him, only me. He often tries to manipulate or control me to some extent. About a month ago I shared some of his tyrant chat with a friend of mine who said, this man is a sociopath. It stuck in the back of my mind and in the last few days I have been researching this and other mental illnesses/defects which has led me here. He seems to fit around 7 of the defects to be a sociopath but that is just things I know for fact. I do not know that he is a liar, he has actually been pretty honest with me as much as I can tell, outside of two or three times he said he was doing something other then what he was, other then that he seems honest. He does not feel good about his life, this morning replying to me when I said he did not need to control me "last thing i need is control over another i have enough of a job guiding keeping control over my useless life". He has left me in the online arena to be with another woman who does not anger him but claims all along that we are still together real life. This hurts me so much but he seems to not care, his immediate needs come first and says he needs to be happy online so he can deal with his real life issues. For some time I have suspected his real life issues are more then just waiting/fighting for the property from the divorce. What I do not know is what he is suffering from. I do not know for sure that he is a sociopath, depressive, borderline, I have no idea. I know this is long but at the same time probably not enough for anyone to give an actual opinion, but best I can do here. I am happy to answer any specific questions about his behavior. The reason I am seeking help is we are pursuing his coming here to live with me. I need to know what I am dealing with first and while I am working on getting this from him he may never really admit it. Does anyone have an suggestions, advice, ideas, questions I can ask him that would help me determine what his problems are without pissing him off and never finding out anything? In real life he seems very capable of love, in the confines of the internet he seems non caring and mean. Help please!!! |
#2
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OMG....sweet heart....RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can....I would never ever tell anybody what to do, but this guy is a total mess and he's a player!
I suggest you to read your own writing one more time....There is nothing good about this relationship, why are you wasting your time? He's telling you that he's on probation and it's false....oh...right...he knows better about law than the judge up in the court!!! Come on girl...wake up... I want to hear from you that you stop contacting this guy....I'm afraid that he hurts you badly....watch out....why don't you get in touch with the ex-wife to find out what was going on? There are other guys out there too....lots of them.... take care and be careful.... Marjan |
![]() Capp
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#3
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Live with you?!
Marjan is right in that you have answered yourself. Having such serious doubts that you are researching so-called defects--that is not a term for mental illness--because you fear him is your answer. Run? Hire a Harley owner and get the heck away from him. You deserve better...Be Safe Cap
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The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve. ~~unknown~~ http://capp.psychcentral.net |
#4
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...................
I almost got in a fight one time with my ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriend who was a serial rapist, who was supposeadly reformed by the system. He was still hiding things. Needless to say, she moved in with him and he started doing stupid sh** like locking her in the basement, and not letting her go out, because of his issues, one being trust. I moved her out because she told me what was really going on, and at that time.....well....I just did. After the almost fight incident, DNA came back from a rape he committed ten years prior. At that point in time technology was not up to par, but the system still saved samples because they knew the technology was not far off. As of this day he is in jail for a very, very long time(GOOD). The point being....is it really worth it? After he went back to jail for a long time(GOOD), I cut ties with the woman because I felt she was safe. The damage had been done. She lost a good man. I started questioning myself. If I have to question myself, like you yourself......RED FLAG......THE FLAGS ARE FLYING........but again.....love is blind............... ..............its ok to be single..............me.....I would rather be with no woman than the wrong woman........................ ......................................ST...................... .......................................... |
#5
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this guy sounds like really bad news. you have to be sooooo careful about who you meet online. the fact that he claims his arrest was all false is a huge red flag! oh, i just saw that it was something he supposedly did to his ex-wife. if it was in any way some sort of assault then that is really playing with fire. please stay as far away from this guy as you can get. you deserve someone a whole lot better.
Last edited by Anonymous39281; Apr 23, 2009 at 08:37 PM. |
#6
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I will go back and read the rest later.....I cant yet after just that one issue, I feel uneasy
but, if he waited that long to tell you something you'd eventully find out anyway if you actually had a real life relation, then...just be careful, very careful |
#7
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still not read it all.....met in real life
you never know someone till you live with them |
#8
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uhhhhhhhh......I did not even read that part yet about him coming to you to live, do what you may, believe what you may
but, be careful, very careful |
#9
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Thanks everyone for your input. Yes, red flags indeed. As to the arrest he claimed she hit him with the car (dual car accident) then she tried to leave and he restrained her. Motorist saw this and when someone separated them he kicked at her. He claims she was a drama queen and the attorneys told him due to witnesses and the drama queen he would not stand a chance and to plead guilty to a lesser charge. I can understand why he never said anything in the begining, who would? no one wants to tell about mistakes they have made unless it becomes neccessary. When he told me he claimed that everytime he saw me on cam he felt the need to tell me but just could not do it.
What I do not understand is how this man was so perfect for two solid weeks. i dont know, maybe that is an ability with whatever defect he has. I have been researching on the net extensively and while a friend of mine who I showed some of this mans chat too said he is a sociopath I do not think now that this is the case but rather that he is a narcisist (sp?). Mainly because he will admit his life is not good and I have seen in my relationship with him how he needs to make himself seem better then he is. Rest assured at this point I am not inviting him. But, I do really feel a need to understand him, if that is even possible. And, at least to understand what he is suffering from. Again, thank you all for your input and support, it is really greatly appreciated. ![]() |
#10
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Just reading your post rings alarm bells for me
![]() Relationships start off really peachy then can gradually get more trying. So if your starting off like this I'd be a bit worried. Lisa |
#11
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hmmm..why does it seem you are in cognito-stevie oaksmith
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#12
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Of course I am incognito, I do not want to point fingers, place blame, call out, or say anything against this person. I do after all love this man, that is why I am here to try to understand what he is dealing with incase there is any way i can help him and so I can resolve this relationship with him one way or the other. |
#13
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Well, it has been been nearly 10 months, in terms of the online arena where we met that is lengthy. What i can not resolve is how someone can be so perfect in person but be so different online. I really need to resolve all this so I can either move on and forever wonder or understand what his problem is and try to help if that is possible.
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#14
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hm.then make whatever concious decision you feel comfortable with
but both characters appear to be lose cannons in hypothicy, imo....not just his tread lightly, be very careful, if love is real...only the emotion holder can tell Last edited by coralproper; Apr 24, 2009 at 09:02 AM. |
#15
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could be worse...human nature tends to make that sword double edged with the opposite being true in alot of cases, statisticly speaking....I would guess....from world news
Last edited by coralproper; Apr 24, 2009 at 09:27 AM. |
#16
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Quote:
but, understand now that I/we are all just using borrowed time...it is of the essence...that was a long duration in my world/mind, at this point in time |
#17
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.............
.........from my experiance.......... Mental Illness can be treated......if the person with the problem is willing to seek help... This is the begining, inwhich leads to a barrage of questions for myself. These are some questions that I ask myself.....and the answers are mine, like your answers are yours. ........the most obvious first........ ........does this person have a problem with drugs or alcohol? ........if I recoginize a problem and bring the problem to my partners attention...... ........what is my partner really willing to do? ........can I smell the smoke....before the inferno? ........and then I start making decisions based on my partners actions...... .........while keeping in mind, my own difference of feeling....which are.... .........the difference between love and lust....or the heart and head..... ......................................ST............................. ![]() ![]() ....................... |
#18
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Quote:
My ex husband kicked me and I called the police and I got so sad for doing it and I bailed him out....but he was occasionally kicking me and insulting me even after that....although, he was so afraid of cops! He used to grab my neck too that's the worse thing ever....For sure, I was defending myself and trying to kick him back....but woman's kick is nothing compare to a man's kick....My ex looked so calm and innocent and he was educated from a good family....nobody even believed me if I would have told them!!! He was a good guy for two weeks??? That's nothing honey...nothing...for sure, he can keep himself for two weeks....trust me you are off without this person...and why waste your time for him? put your effort to find another guy online....there are plenty of good ones out there..... good luck Marjan |
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