Love affair with therapist please help :(

allme, I agree with others that it would be very harmful to you if you continue to see this therapist. You will eventually get hurt and damage the real loving relationship you have with your husband. Plus he needs to be turned in to protect others who are vulnerable.

Having said that, I do understand the mixed feelings you have. I would love to have sex with my therapist, and crave it sometimes really bad. I imagine how great it would be. I really do want to. BUT, thankfully for me she would never ever do that! Why? It's wrong, she cares about me, she cares about my family, she cares about herself, she cares about her family, she cares about her job, etc. Plus she knows how harmful it would be. And I can tell her how i feel because she is my therapist. It doesn't give her a license to use my feelings to satisfy her own. This is what your therapist is doing, and it's very selfish and uncaring. But, even knowing how harmful it is, I can imagine how difficult it is to walk away from it. I don't know if i could, so it's a good thing my T would never do this. Please find another T who can help you through this!

Thanks again

Lynn I am sorry this is triggering you... *hugs* I have never cheated on my husband... but this I think is the closest I will ever come to it. I wont let it go no further.

I told my hubby about T. I told him about this transference thing and how I think it is happening to me. I didnt tell him about the kiss. He was very supportive and even suggested i talk it out with T. Boy if only I could take to a real T about it.

Hubby was very understanding and hurt all in one. He said he could understand but found it hard to accpet i had feelings for someone else even if it isnt real love. Which i can totally understand. After the pain I saw in my hubby, I have decided I wont see T again. I just wont. and I have txt him telling him I think what I am experiencing is Erotic transference and asked him what he thought and he hasnt answered me So I txt him back telling him I cant see him again and I will stick to it this time. I must. For the sake of my marriage and sanity I must. I have already spoken with doc about seeing a counselor.... will take around 4 weeks for app. to go through. I will hang tough until then and keep coming here to keep drawing strength.

You guys have no idea how grateful I am for helping me see sense. By coming here, I have possibly saved my marriage and sanity.

I look to god now and from deep within to find the strength not to see this T again. And I also hope that he finds it within himself to leave me be and not intice me into seeing him again.

Good for you, Allme!

I really admire your strength, both for deciding to do the right thing, and then for being able to go ahead and actually do it.

I hope that your next T is a great one.

Take care,
-Far

(((((((((((((((( Allme )))))))))))))))))))))) I am so proud of you!!! This may be one of the hardest things you have ever done. I am still very angry that he put all that on you because the last thing you needed to experience was this! I also hope you will find a great T who will help you through all of this. It was not your fault for what happened. It is called abreaction. I am sorry this happened to you. But I am so happy that you made the right choice!!! YIPPIE!!

Wow... so positive on so many levels. I admit... my eyes popped out of my head when your husband suggested you talk to your T about this. EEKS!! What a man you have there. So able to put his own feelings aside for your sake. Though misguided his suggestion the fact that he would go there says alot about his character.

Stick to your convictions now hun. I had it in mind to suggest you throw the erotic transferance term at the doc to put some fear into him and there you had gone and done it. Doubt he will be texting back now. If he does and tries to rationalize then it will just be more evidence of how delusional he is.

We will be here standing by you while you wait on a new doc. Celebrate your husband tonight with something special on the menu perhaps. He is quite the man you have there. So glad you are not going to put it at further risk. You can get past this. You may find yourself flip flopping again but don't give in. You are looking in the right direction now.

Wishing you peace.

Allme,... Man, what a situation. You have some great support here, please draw from it whatever you can. You will need it. You've been given some great advice here, the right advice. It looks like you have taken it, that's fantastic.

I have been in your situation Allme, I know how hard it is. THe pull toward the therapist is nothing like you've ever experienced before, this is probably true. The needs you feel are not new to you - you will have felt them at a very young age, they are human needs we are all born with. But perhaps what is new is the feeling that those specific needs are BEING MET by this "T". That IS like a drug, OMG it is definitely a drug.
Two very important things here firstly, you have
a) a husband who loves you, a secure attachment which is actually your primary anchor right now. Without him, I truly believe you will not be able to resist this therapist.
b) you have seen the danger this T presents to your marriage. HOLD that thought. Nothing else will give you strong enough motive to resist this therapist. But your marraige can, and should. DO NOT let your marriage go. We can say all sorts of things about the danger of this situation, your marriage aside. Single people get drawn into these abusive relationships with therapists, and it has even killed them. Yes, it can lead to suicide. You have already seen the potential here with it aggravating your Bi Polar. It can get very very bad. So use what you can to get away from him, you are married to a man who loves you and who you love. So use this... let it be the anchor that stops you going over that cliff. IMAGINE your life without your husband ... let yourself feel the emptiness that thought brings, let it terrify you, it will strengthen your determination not to go back to that T. You are already doing this, and that is great. You just gotta keep doing. Thats the hard part.

Allme, the road is not over for you yet. You have done the right thing, but your needs are still there, simmering under the surface. They will come back, you will feel tempted to txt him, you will have dreams, you will have moments of weakness when you LONG for him.
Recognise that his desire for you is not love. This man may desire you - but so does your husband. This man can not give you anything that your husband is not giving you. The fantasies he is inspiring within you, the insanely intense sexual desire... this is not his, it does not come from him, he's merely a tool that is drawing it out from WITHIN YOU. On his own, he is an older man, flesh and blood, his body is no better than the man who loves you, his feet smell as bad, perhaps worse, he picks his nose, scratches his crotch, probably can't control his orgasms as well as you fantasise about, won't be anywhere NEAR as good in bed as you imagine. This all comes from inside YOU, isn't it an amazing thought that you are capable of feeling such strong desire? It feels great, doesn't it? So own it, it is yours, not your T's. This comes from inside of you, and you can take those feelings to whatever relatioship you choose. This realisation alone is very empowering, and takes so much of that power away from your T and can help you put it back where it belongs.
Redirect that into your marraige Allme. You can. You have a man who loves you truly, cherish that now, your husband will be hurting that you had feelings toward T, even if he's being brave and supportive. Fix it, love that man as much as you can. You will reap the benefits of that for many years to come. It is the best road you can take right now. Forget the T. He is nothing.

GOOD LUCK!!!

" On his own, he is an older man, flesh and blood, his body is no better than the man who loves you, his feet smell as bad, perhaps worse, he picks his nose, scratches his crotch, probably can't control his orgasms as well as you fantasise about, won't be anywhere NEAR as good in bed as you imagine. "
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I just wanted to say this was a great post and I found this statement above very funny but so true. I bet he wouldn't be even close to what she imagined lol. I wasn't going to respond to this thread because it's triggering for me but I couldn't resist telling you.

I've never had a therapist so I honestly want to ask anyone here - what the magical appeal of a therapist?? Is it similar to a movie star appeal? I think it's good to remember what the above poster said - not to romantacize authority figures. They're just regular people who probably have annoying qualities and they all poop and wipe their butts the same way.

You have all the reason in the world to txt back and cancel and to tell him to leave you alone, its hurting your husband and your marriage. I know its hard but that should make it easier. Im not trying to sound harsh, Im just being straight forward. The hurt you will feel now by ending it is nothing compared to the hurt you will feel if it continues. Trust me!

..........

Lynn, there is a lot of literature answering that question. I'm not a therapist, but I have my own ideas from my own experience and what I've read.
Firstly not all therapy relationships are sexual. For example, my first therapy was with a female T and that was not erotic, but it had an equally powerful pull. I left her office after each session with all the feelings of grief and abandonment and need as I felt as a literal 4 year old abandoned by my literal parents. She meant the world to me, though I was a rational adult and I knew I was not really being abandoned and she was not really my mother. But the feelings were REAL.
I think the easiest way to view the therapy relationship is like a parent child relationship. You take all your unmet needs with you to therapy, unknowingly, they relate to the issues that propel you there. These needs come out in therapy, like little feelers, they come out and feel around when they sense that maybe, finally, they may be able to be met. At last, someone to love me, someone to care about me, someone to understand and empathise with ME. This isn't conscious I don't think. At least, it wasn't for me. I didn't go into therapy expecting anything except insight into why I was so screwed up. I was hugely shocked, and I suspect like most who go into therapy, completey unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster it took me on.
So we go into therapy as adults, right? But we have these sometimes very childish needs. Often, but not all the time, this can result in the client wanting to be so close, so close to the therapist. We want their love. We want emotional healing through that love. It feels so inviting, so appealing. When children want to be close to their parents, they want to snuggle and cuddle up close, they want physical contact. It is not sexual. But as adults, we are sexual creatures. We relate to our closest partners sexually. I think it makes sense then that as adults we can very easily experience that need for closeness with T as sexual. Afterall, that is the closest we can get to another human. T can be the ugliest man in the world, but because we have such a strong need, the idea of sexual contact can become very desireable, when really that's not what we are looking for. How else do you explain why straight women develop sexual desire for their straight female T's? Its an emotional thing, that somewhere gets sexualised. Adults are sexual creatures, when we become enamoured with someone, we naturally want to express that sexually.
Of course, this is just a simple explanation that makes sense to me, im not a therapist. And when there's abuse in the history it adds all sorts of other complicated dynamics to it - there are books dedicated to the subject, whole books. Certainly if you are interested, there's heaps of research you can do on the subject.

Allme, I sit here amazed at your strength. It takes guts to do what you did, to stay away from your T.

I am worried, though, about your 4 week wait, and wonder if there is someone in your real life who can help you walk through this, keep you accountable, almost - a trusted friend, a doctor, a minister, until that 4 weeks is up and you see a new T? The love that we feel in therapy is so strong, so intoxicating. I thank God I've never had a situation like yours, because as weak and needy as I've been in therapy, I don't know what I would do.

-moonrise

((((((allme)))))))
just thought I'd add, that there are probably ways you can block his number on your phone. It might put your mind at ease.

Take care

Thanks guys

I have my parents and husband who can act as real life support and with you guys aswell, I should be fine until I see new T.

T txt me back last night (after a night of drinking) regarding my question about erotic transference. He said "phone me and I will tell you the answe". I txt back and said no he could answer me by txt. He simply txt back "yes".

So he agrees what I am experiencing is erotic transference, well why the hell couldnt he have told me that before I thought I had fallen head over hills in magical love with him? Well I know why, it was to massage his own inflated ego and use me. What a twat. So now today, I am trying not to txt him back... I want to ask him why he never told me this before ./...... well I know why but I want to see what he has to say about it.

I am so mad and so upset. I have never felt so stupid. I know it's not my fault but it hurts that a person in a trusted position has abused me and my feelings in this way. I have been abused ever since childhood in one way or another. Am I some kind of natural vicitm that will always find herself to be abused by people?

Oh sorry, now I am just feeling sorry for myself. *slaps self*

I am mad I feel so mad and so upset, how could he have done this to me. Secretly I hoped that it was real love... somewhere inside me I thought maybe he could see what noone else could see and thats why he loved me so much..... GRRRRR Oh man what a number he pulled.

I JUST WANT TO SHOUT AT HIM NOW.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME.... MAKE ME THINK WE WERE INLOVE AND THEN TAKE IT ALL AWAY LEAVING ME BITTER AND INSECURE AND WORST OF ALL OTHER PPL HAVE GOT HURT TOO.... MY HUSBAND.

I AM SO ANGRY

NEED TO CALM DOWN

I have been (allme) in your situation for SIX years. I have read tons of material regarding the t/client relationship, and even spoken to the head (and attorney) of the State Board of Ethics in my state, AND other t's who told me what I already knew, and I wrote to ADVOCATE.web and TELL.....

I don't know if you told your husband, but I would'nt do it, for many reasons. Therapists are very often attracted to a client, but are supposedly trained to handle it appropriately. A lot do not.

I have a "how could you do this to me" letter, but haven't given it to my t yet. He led me on physically AND emotionally.....100's of sexual innuendo comments. Being a woman alone after 31 years of abuse made me vuleranable, but knowing eerything I do, it hasn't made a difference. More later. Love, Allison

No. This is not true.
He is responsible for this in the therapeuitc relationship, not you.
If you had said you wanted to rob a bank, would he accommodate your wish?
No, because what he did was all about him All of it.

I read your other post about you texting him and him texting you.
Texting him is encouraging his manipulation.
He now wants to meet to talk about what happened. This is all about him too. All of it. He is now trying to manipulute what happened to make it something besides the unethical and very harmful behavior that it is.
You need to process this, but with another therapist. By doing that, you will be able to stop thinking about him so much and you will be able to come to see what happened for what it is. Please find someone to talk to as soon as possible so that you can resist his manipulating and so you can put this in perspective and move on.

Hi,

I know what you say makes sense.... but these feelings are so intense. I am trying, really trying to do the right thing. It's so hard.

thank you for your advice... and thanks to all for advice, you have raised points and opionions that is really helping me see this for what it is.

Now it's up to me to act on it..... but I have a feeling this isnt over yet.

Allme, You need to stay mad!! Let me fuel the fire. All those text you are sending your (T) he will save and use against you at a later date. He will use it to prove that you were obscessed with him, and not the other way around. He will also try, and probably succeed, in finding a way to rationalize his responses to you. Dont mean to make you paranoid, but you need to know that if hes done this before, he has succeeded. Definately block all of his calls, and take his number out of your phone. Please know that we care about you, and dont mean to be offensive in any way or to trivialize the feelings you are experiencing. You are fighting your own will. I admire your courage and strength, as this is one of the most difficult things youve probably ever had to do. Be strong precious one! When all is said and done I do hope you report this man, even if its anonomously. Hes probably already had a few reports sent against him , one more may be just enough to get someones attention.

Very understandable that the feelings are intense. And that this is very flattering and feels good. And that those good feelings might be something you don't want to go away. And that they are conflicting with your sense of right and wrong, making it all very confusing.

It would be good to process with another T the idea of whether you want this to be over yet...

He will not stop trying to manipulate. He can not give you the answers you are looking for. He should be running scared right now and that means he is desperate to get you back under his influence. He will stop at nothing to get you to think he cares about you. He will lie and he will set you up until he gets what he wants unless you keep yourself unavailable to him. If he wants to 'explain' then have him explain this to your husband or your parents or to your next T. You know WHY he did this to you. He is not who he has presented himself to be. He is a fraud. He is dangerous. You can't believe a word he says. He is poison.

Keep talking to your family. Let them help you. If I were you mom I would be at that guys door so fast all you would see is the dust trail on the way.

Everytime you feel your resolve weaken rant about how mad you are. Let the anger work for you. Let the anger keep you strong.

Meanwhile nurture that needy child in safe ways. Talk to your family about your needs. Talk about the need he was filing. Let them try to fill those needs for you. You are beautiful and lovable and your needs matter. Use this time to validate your needs and turn to those people whose love you can trust. Stay safe. Keep talking.

(((((sharon/allison)))))) I am sorry you find yourself in this same position as allme is facing right now. I hope you will decide enough is enough and get yourself safe. Six years is a lot of time to give away. I pray you don't give away another day. Take heed the knowledge you have gained and take strength from the folks here who can support you to love yourself free.

********************scream********************

I AM BACK TO ANGER ..... I FEEL SO FRUSTRATED I WANT TO CALL HIM NOW AND TELL HIM TO EXPALIN HIMSELF TO ME... THE ADULT ME. I NEED TO PROTECT THE CHILD ME THAT HE HAS MANIPULATED... OR HAS HE.

What if he really does love me?------------------------cant stop crying........... I need so much help and I am so scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your therapist knows how to talk to your inner child directly. He knows how to manipulate his clients...are you starting to get the picture?

All I know is that at the end of the day, you have to sleep in your own skin. Sending you safe hugs and hope you will find peace in whatever path you choose.

I hope there is a trigger icon on this thread.