The T point of view

I would also like to say that I think you should continue the blog! I really enjoyed reading it. What ever happened with the book? I tried googling to find it, but couldn't.

Fire it up, Doc! Great blog should not be lost!!!

I am a therapist and have been thinking a little about your question and how to answer it. I think the most important thing for me is that I had my own therapy and experienced it! It means I am comfortable with transference - whether it be positive, negative, erotic, etc. It is a way to understand and is how I grew to understand myself. I would never mention the word 'transference' to my clients, rather I would just work with the relationship with me and how it feels. Transference is a normal part of every relationship but a therapist who can work with the transference can use the relationship as a laboratory to help understand something - something we cannot do in our normal relationships outside the therapy room.

If a therapist has worked transferentially in their own therapy they will have found that the erotic is an expression of something very early, that early relationship at mother's breast, which is infact incredibly erotic for both mother and baby - it is a vital part of our development and the blueprint for all future relationships. It is a very beautiful thing. So it is normal, when experiencing the care and attention of our therapists, for these feelings to be stimulated - in a need for reparation, in response to feeling close and connected. But because we are no longer babies or little ones and are now adults, these early erotic feelings often get translated into adult sexual feelings - and that is quite normal - and ok!! It can also be very frightening - I remember when it first happened to me, a heterosexual woman, with my first female therapist (who didn't get it at all and hurt me terribly), that I was very confused and frightened. I couldn't understand why I felt sexual towards her and it scared me. I have had friends who fell in love with their elderly male therapists - that was equally confusing to them until they had understood and worked with it in their therapy.

Infact, I now see this as something very beautiful that needs to be treated very carefully and with great respect - it is the basis of our capacity to love and should never be rejected or pushed away, but equally the feelings should never be acted upon by the therapist (it unfortunately happens alot) - to act them out would be tantamount to child abuse in my opinion.

Unfortunately many therapists don't understand and haven't worked through their own early attachment issues - and they are the ones who will push away, shame, reject and terminate.They will often be fearful of 'love' and showing their love for their clients - they will be defending against something in themselves they don't want to go near. The client is then re traumatised believing their love and need for attachment is wrong - to have needs, to depend, is wrong. So sad.

I welcome the clients love feelings and work with them in a sensitive way, using them to help us understand what happened to them and giving them an experience that is reparative rather than harmful - so they can eventually move away from me to have happy, loving and healthy adult relationships.

I hope that helps a little

Moon

Moon, I'm very much interested in what you posted above. When I first saw a T, years ago, I thought my feelings for her were sexual. She told me something like what you wrote. She said they were sensual, not sexual. I've been seeing my current T for about 3 years. She does IFS, SE, and EMDR. In the beginning, a child part hesitantly held her hand because it felt safe and wonderful. It never felt sexual. However, I got very attached to her and once when she tapped on my knees during EMDR it did feel sexual. I like my T very much, and always thought I was straight, but the touching felt "too good", as I called it. We didn't touch during EMDR anymore, but holding her hand still felt safe.

This year we are doing a lot of SE, somatic experiencing. Once we did touch again, and it stirred me up. I wanted to hold her hand but she wouldn't let me. She said that she felt something sexual in the room. We discussed what happened, and she believes me that holding her hand never felt sexual. She knows my child parts want to be loved, but says it makes T about her, not about me. I agree with that, but my question is this. Can it be both? Can most of what I feel for her be the way you describe it in your post, that the infantile needs get sexualized because I'm an adult? I don't think my T understands that. She keeps talking about how most people are bisexual, and if I am, she doesn't judge me. I'm going to read some of your post to her, if that's okay with you. And, by the way, I'm married for many years but for a long time we haven't had much of a sexual relationship. So I think some of those needs ARE met by my T but in general, the love feels like you describe. Thanks again, for your helpful posts in this forum!

Wow, that's so funny that you saw this! You're welcome! Thanks for writing- I really enjoy reading it.

I am undergraduate in the mental health field, and went to see a therapist for an unusual situation (church related); I fell in love with him and 7 years later I feel the same. Too long of a story to go into here. Unfortunately he led me on, sexualized our relatiionship, etc. etc. I contacted the TELL network years ago and once again a few weeks ago and have read many many books on the issue. I hve spoken to and e-mailed the responders on the TELL (exploitation) website; they have a wealth of information. Unfortunately the mental health community doesn't police their own, and since this all happens behind closed doors, no one (even in all of the studies) really knows how many therapists cross the lines.

The general public doesn't understand the dynamics between client and therapist and when seeing a therapist for the first time, we have no idea what to expect and usually trust them. "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" by Peter Rutter is one excellent resource; it gives a "snapshot" of a therapist on the "slippery slope" to behaving unethically.

I think every therapist office (or therapist) upon intake should discuss transference......just a fancy word for feelings (unless you are speaking of the Freudian).......transference/counter.....is present in all relationshps. If a client understood that powerful, strong, loving feelings can happen in therapy for many reasons, they wouldn't be so confused and perhaps be encouraged to discuss them when they DO come up. Okay, off my soapbox for now, LOL

Nicole